silly childish in laws

[sphinxster]

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

I think Fear Obligation Guilt is pretty spot on here. Your DH isn't allowing these farcical Skype calls to go ahead because he wants to be the bigger person (although he might justify it to himself that way) but because he can't/won't stand up to them.

But this is not a sustainable situation. Could he really stand to keep this up for months and years without losing his shit one day? Or is the silent treatment - as far as he's concerned - infinitely preferable to weeping and wailing and anger and guilt trips.

Tough one OP. Toxic doesn't even cover it. And it's a bad bad lesson he's teaching your son about shitty family dynamics. I know he's still little, but he's going to notice when he's older.

P.S .....I´m not sure of the background of how your husband´s relationship is with them, including throughout his childhood, but I´m wondering if reading up on toxic parents would be enlightening and helpful to him?

I know there are lots of books that get recommended on here ( I can´t think of their titles off the top of my head ), but I think there´s some useful resources on MN too. Maybe on the Stately Home thread?

If he reads something that might help him get out of the FOG ( if indeed that is what it is ) and let him learn that his parents´ behaviour is severely abnormal. He needs to come to a realisation from somebody who isn´t involved and maybe a book for reference could be it?

sphinxster,

re your comments that I have separated:-

"I can see people's points of view about leaving doors open and being the bigger person etc but i feel we can still do these things if we say to get in touch when they've dealt with their issues and moved on".

Your mistake here is the second part of this sentence starting with "I feel...". They are not interested in solving their issues because they think that there is nothing at all wrong with them and their actions here. They will never therefore deal with their issues!

"As a side point, if they are miffed about not seeing monkey balls then how do they think being like this will resolve that situation!!"

Oh similar to the above really, they really do think you will eventually tow the party line and give in. Again they really do think they are not at fault here.

Just say no to any Skype calls from now on, you both need to completely disengage. Moomin who mentioned FOG is bang on here, your DH is mired in it and that is stopping him from moving forward as well. He certainly needs to read Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" along with "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

sphinxster

I think your DH is still seeking their approval and is very much afraid of his parents reactions. He is far more afraid of "upsetting them" than he would ever be of upsetting you. His own inertia when it comes to his parents is really hurting him as well as you and your child now.

Woah!!!

On no account must this kind of emotional pubishment be demonstrated toward the father in front of a 4yo.

If they treat your h like this, what stops them hurting your ds to hurt dh further...from experience, nothing.

No contact unless they are civil. It is that simple.

if they are miffed about not seeing monkey balls then how do they think…..

I'm really sorry, I know I'm being juvenile, but this just made me laugh out loud.

sphinxter If you don't mind my asking, exactly what do you think your DH will do if you tell him enough is enough in no uncertain terms and that there will be no 'silent skyping' (shudder, creepy). Leave you? Hit you? Defy you? Yell?

Sometimes it's good to put a 'name' to your fear because once you name it, you can (hopefully) deal with it.

One thing I'm also wondering - how are these Skype calls scheduled despite them refusing to talk to DH? I'm guessing they send some sort of curt email saying they will be online at X time and DH must make himself available?

I bet it's same time every certain day.

I'd be out...

Well thankgod you dont live near them. Tbh having a small baby is stressful enough let alone added stupiditys to make a new mum even more anxious. They will shoot themselves in the foot big time if they keep this up. Maybe dh could have a clear the air chat and if they keep up the sulk cut out the skype. Enjoy your baby and the fact their not on your doorstep!

Most likely I guess, Hissy.

No way would I be setting aside weekly "grandparent time" just to extend them a regularly opportunity to reaffirm their bullshit. And they don't even really interact with the baby, just silently watch him? Nope!

It´s like the husband is complying out of a warped sense of duty. I´d be interested what his childhood was like growing up with these wankers as parents. The wider family dynamic is usually holding the clues in these situations.
I appreciate it´s hard to look objectively when it´s your own parents and you´re emotionally involved, but he´s got a wife and son to consider now. His loyalty should lie with them.
He needs to accept and respect his wife´s unhappiness. Sphynxter, you need to stop pussy-footing around and get angry. Your son shouldn´t be subjected to their nasty weirdness. He does not need Grandparents like this in his life.

Rumble, that is a concern. Although ds is still unaware of the creepiness of being watching via iPad, I can't imagine this will resolve anything and I can imagine a (not so distant) future when he asks what the fuck is going on once a week (I'm sure he'll be more eloquent than that).

Regarding dh's relationship with his parents: this is him norm I guess and therefore he sees little wrong with it ("you know how they are"). We've been together since Uni (about 1,000 years) and on his graduation day his mum turned to me and said "I didn't think he'd do it". They don't make any effort to see him when we visit. In fact, on one occasion when we arrived she continued her ironing and on another occasion when my husband was over to the uk for work they buggered off to their caravan! There's other anecdotes too but I'd be going off on a rant. Basically, he gets more affection and support from my family who love him dearly.

My parents, who adore dh, are absolutely bewildered as to how they can treat him this way. My parents are also very diplomatic and won't get into a slagging off session but encourage us to talk to them about this and try our best to resolve it. My family is very far from perfect btw but we like to talk never stop talking.

I think the FOG theory is worth investigating and maybe getting some literature. Again, this is such a difficult situation for my dh. He's a new father and just wants to show off his child to the people that matter the most to him.

But, I am concerned about the sort of message that this will send to my ds if it doesn't stop. There's no way I want my child exposed to this behaviour.

Acrossthepond I think I'm most scared that I would have bullied dh into a decision he didn't want to make.

They'd be so much happier if they just had you under electronic surveillance so they didn't have to bother to connect to DH on Skype to start the weekly monitoring session. I wonder if they would consider joining the NSA?

none of this is really about the moral high ground or being the better person. What's the point of turning this into a moral discussion when the core of this matter is that your husband's parents are bizarre?

they don't seem to love him or want to see him. They get this bent out of shape over your name being part of the surname. They don't give a flying fuck about you, yourself and they don't sound like they give a flying fuck about your husband, their son, either.

So he ends up holding this little 4 month old baby up to the iPad and saying nothing for half an hour?

Can't your husband see how extraordinarily bizarre and off the planet this is?

Would your dh agree to sending a video of ds instead of skyping? That way they're still "seeing" ds without the awfulness of a skype call when they're not talking to you! I'm thinking this might be an easier way out for your dh. Take some video when he's being particularly cute / out in his pram / sleeping/whatever so you can say "we thought you'd like to see him doing different things".

Is your husband desperately trying to earn their approval somehow, by going along with this extraordinary skype set-up?

Vague also hit the nail on the head above....it´s not that your OH is being the bigger person, but that he won´t stand up to them! And now you´ve given some background it all becomes clearer, the relationship has been fucked up his whole life by the sounds of things.
The typical; child always seeking approval, love, affection, praise etc but getting naff all in return, only disinterest and negativity. Maybe he had high hopes of finally getting his parents to show some love and thaw out their frozen hearts when he had a baby with you...but look what´s happened! They STILL show no interest in him, or you, only the baby!
It sounds like the relationship btwn your OH and his folks has been one sided all along, with him being the only one doing the loving and consideration. Yes I´m sure there´s many examples you could give.....For e.g, is it always him that sends them thoughtful presents on Xmas/birthdays, and does he get anything on these occasions I wonder?...Wouldn´t surprise me if it´s always him making the effort for precious little in return. They sound cold and heartless, and destined to find fault with everyone and anyone other than themselves!

Narcissistic would you say? I´m no expert but the 2 of them are a match made in heaven, how the hell did they find eachother??

Does your OH have any siblings? What are your friends telling you to do about the whole mess? I´m sure they must be saying the same as us. Yes you´d do right getting some literature on this stuff. He sounds well and truly blinkered to their awfulness, but he´s been brought up with them!

I hope you can instigate change and improve things cos it´s certainly just gonna go on and on and can you really bear that? Staying out of it is condoning it, but you´ve had some great advice on here so it´s over to you now.

BTW, does your husband know you´re posting about this on MN? Would he care or be angry if he knew? Just wondering if showing him the thread might help? He needs some different perspectives and some insight from others, although I´m sure he´s getting that from real life friends and your family. Does he have any other family members who also think this behaviour/situation is massively abnormal?

Is your husband desperately trying to earn their approval somehow, by going along with this extraordinary skype set-up

I'm obviously not the OP, but absolutely yes he is. Yes. My husband's father is a bully. He's boorish, cold, never affectionate or loving or praises DH. For anything. Absolutely no positive feedback or interaction from him, ever. I daresay this was the pattern during childhood as well. DH will, nevertheless, still go out of his way to earn his approval... but never get it.

I'm not sure he's trying to earn their approval (I really don't know tbh) he says he just wants his parents to be part of his life. I totally get that. I just think he wants 'typical' parents who offer unconditional love and support.

Our friends have sympathised but I suppose they don't feel it's their place to say such blunt things as you get from a forum. Apart from the disbelief and bewilderment, we've mostly had "they'll come round" and "once they meet him they'll be ok". So friends have tried to reassure us it'll all be ok.

I've just read out some most of the responses to him. He says he sees it and he knows but it's not just as easy as it sounds. He is truly hoping they're not the people they seem to be and the situation will resolve. I asked him what will happen if it doesn't resolve and he said he can't think that he has parents like that right now.

I can't imagine how difficult it is for him, I couldn't imagine life without my parents (I'm aware that one day I will have to).

I fear I have made things worse with regards to my husband wanting affection from his parents. I've always encouraged him to get thoughtful gifts and arrange birthdays for his parents. He gets money transferred into his account. Moomin, you're quite right.
On a milestone birthday, we arranged a weekend away for our families. I asked his mum if she wanted to organised a cake or anything... You can guess what happened!!

Tribpot maybe not quite so extreme! What about a nanny cam in the rarely used nursery. It'll mainly be the cats sleeping on the playmat but who doesn't love watching cats.