silly childish in laws

[sphinxster]

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

You have the hospital tags with your surname on them? Are you not tempted to send the Idiots a photo?

I've just managed to read the whole thread OP, I posted on your last one under a different NN, and am equally disgusted by them and impressed by Mr Sphinxster Kitten Rescuer.

It reminds me of a stepfather I had who insisted my DM either change her name to his or get a dog (both things she didn't want). She changed her name. Ridiculous controlling arsehole. Yay for divorce. Tho perhaps your DH is a little old for legal emancipation from his parents...

If your DH decides not to cut them off entirely, perhaps send a joint email with a few recent good pics or a video to both sets of GPs every now and then at Xmas, with just the briefest of details, so they feel they're included as 'equally' as your parents and don't darken your door.

I'm mostly sorry you're both still having to deal with this while Fluffy Monkey Balls is so tiny and I hope it hasn't tainted his newborn days for you.

Ohfourfoxache someone recommended stately homes in the previous thread and i did have a look. I wasn't sure of the etiquette, it's a very active thread and I wasn't sure if you're OK to just drop your story in there when others are talking about far worse experiences.

DH's middle DB and SIL are visiting in April, we've always got on well with them so I really hope they're don't come bearing messages of gloom.

We have all of his hospital tags and labels. In fact, a lot of the photos we have of him in NICU have the label on his incubator in them.

Sphinxster the stately homes thread would welcome you with open arms. There are some very wise and knowledgeable posters on it who know and understand the dynamics of what you are having to deal with.

Stately Homes is a dive right in and we'll catch up with you kinda place.

It's you that's important, not the thread. We're all there for support and answers.

I'll let the butler know you may pop by :)

They're a welcoming bunch over there - don't be afraid of jumping right in.

How's tricks sphinx ??

Thanks for asking.

Still no response to the email but we weren't expecting anything because they like to wait a few days. DH says it's because they have to consult their devastation committee before they can reply with more self absorbed emotional crap.

Fluffy had a lovely smiley day yesterday, full of giggles, so I think that helped him.

So I think it's safe to say all 3 of you are getting by, doin well therefore.....would they really be a big miss in your lives?

"Oh I have a big toxic hole in my life! Whatever shall I do?"

I think even if your husband was honest and asked himself "What do they bring to my life that is positive?"....what would he come up with?

I would bet you anything that there'll be a health scare. Dark mutterings about 'tests' or stress or heart problems... All down to your dreadful behaviour of course. Classic behaviour from people like that. Maybe advance warn mr. Sphinxster about this?

You're doing great. They sound utterly awful.

Stately homesthread is great by the way. Very supportive

DH is empathetic and they've really made him feel shit. He's also concerned about the bollocks they might be spouting to other relatives.

He feels anxious about our uk visit in the summer and is dreading going.

I will pop over to the stately home soon, so get the butler to air a bottle of red.

Sadly I never have enough patience to let the wine breathe!

If you're in Devon I'll happily give back up!

Unfortunately you've no control over what they tell others...
I'm nc with my father. I'm sure he tells everyone in the village I won't let him see his only grandchild, he's no idea why, etc etc. The truth is rather different of course.
Head it off with 'yes, they threw a massive hissy fit over fluffy' name and wanted silent Skype calls where they just watch the baby in silence and don't speak to us. All very odd. Of course that's not healthy for fluffy so until they behave like grown ups no more calls. Goodness knows what they tell people! Anyway..."

Perhaps it might help him if you began to discuss various 'options' for your holiday this summer? If you normally stay with them, that needs to be taken completely 'off the table' right now! There is no way the relationship with them will be settled enough to stay with them. Is a hotel or holiday rental an option? Friends or other relatives? Could you shorten your stay to be able to afford paid accommodation? Might it be a good idea to 'skip it' this year?

'Devastation committee', that's a good one! And PPs are right, what other people think doesn't matter. All that matters is that the three of you are happy and healthy.

Our parents live about 100 miles apart. We normally do the bulk of the visit at my parents with short stays in London and at my sister's with a long weekend with his family.

They've never made much effort with his visits home and we spend our time with them sitting in front of the telly going stir crazy. So no loss there! We don't expect great fanfare but find it nice if people make a little effort as we're using our annual leave to visit them.

He's worried that they'll use it against him: he brought fluffy to the uk and they weren't allowed to see him. As we've said previously, it's them stopping themselves from seeing him.

I don't want to skip the visit because my parents worship fluffy (and us) and miss us all so much.

They're the ones doing this, not you/DH.

If you get an apology etc before your visit then all well and good. If not, well, fuck them. Why on earth would you want to visit people who were so wholly unreasonable and unrelenting in their disrespect of you both?

If the shit hits the fan with relatives etc, let it. If they too are unsupportive of you and DH then they won't be a loss.

Easier said than done though, I know

They weren't allowed to see him.

No, they weren't, because they weren't prepared to agree to behaving in a way a child should be around. Dh has no reason to be afraid of that accusation, he has good and sensible reason to avoid contact and they have a responsibility here to change the situation. He is not obliged to provide contact however they behave or be a 'bad son': he is being a good father.

When they get it together you'll be delighted to visit with Fluffy.

well... probably not delighted but you can say that to any flying monkeys

They choose not to see Fluffy because they will not recognize your position as Fluffy's parents and will not respect your choices. Their decision, not yours. Even if you do see them and all goes 'well', I'm sure they'll have some complaints to use to build up sympathy with their 'devastation committee'.

I'd just plan your visit assuming you aren't going to see them. Perhaps there could be a day or two's 'flexibility' in your plans where you could see them on the spur of the moment IF you think they'll 'behave'. But there's no way I'd plan to stay with them, even if they do 'fall in line'. They just don't have enough time between now and summer (depending on when you're going) to prove themselves. I'd also be leery of staying with nearby relatives (on his side) unless you're sure they won't let themselves be dragged into the 'fight' or be used as flying monkeys.

There's still a few months before the summer, but I don't see them making a drastic u-turn.

We can tell them our summer plans and ask them if they want to meet up and set firm boundaries. I won't be making a 200 miles round trip with fluffy to chase after them unless there's an olive branch the size of a t-Rex extended.

As for dh's extended family, they couldn't even be arsed to travel 30 miles to our wedding so it's not like they're close. I think it's just the thought of being the target of a family bitch fest that's most upsetting.

I hear you. I'm pretty lucky in that my family are all pretty even tempered but I can see that could be upsetting.

I guess it'll have to be 'what the ear don't hear, the heart don't grieve for' and hopefully if you and DH are the subject of a bitch-fest it won't get to your ears. But it's his family's loss if it does because it doesn't sound as if they'd be much of a loss to you!

I don't know as how I'd tell them my plans and ask if they want a meet up. I think I'd be more inclined to see if they asked first.

Maybe an email to say we'll be in the uk in these dates and see if they reply.

Which reminds me of last summer: dh was emailing and texting for months about our summer plans and where we'd be and when would be suitable to see them. Getting nothing committal back. Eventually we went to stay with his brother and SIL who told us that PIL had told them we hadn't told them we were visiting

sphinxster,

re your comment:-

"We can tell them our summer plans and ask them if they want to meet up and set firm boundaries".

No, please do not do that!. Do not send them any such e-mail.

These people will simply ignore and will actively continue to ignore any boundary you care to set them. They will not make a U-turn; that would be unthinkable to them. You all too clearly saw their lack of interest last summer; why put yourselves through all that again?. Plan your visit without them in it in.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

But why even bother contacting them to say about your summer plans? To me, you either go NC or you don´t. Unless some miracle happens and they find their consciences, as opposed to behaving like something off Revenge of the Body Snatchers, they´re never gonna behave like normal people who take an interest in any of your lives.

Why would you want to go anywhere near toxic people, let alone put your son anywhere near them? Surely the point of your OH sending this email was to tell them they can Eff Off unless they stop behaving like morons ( or words to that extent ), but now you´re talking about visiting them in the summer?

If nobody gets anything out of this relationship, why start it all up again when you visit in the summer? Esp if your OH is making progress with getting out and staying out of the FOG. It sounds like they are blatently disinterested anyway.

I would totally do your visit home but don´t include them. Your OH is never gonna extricate himself from their Poisonous Tentacles of Doom if he´s now on about feeling obliged to see them on the visit. You´ll have gone full circle and be back to square one!

Why bother even considering them at all? I don´t get it... Or is it entirely dependant on the reply to his email? Seems a bit pointless now cos I think we´re all in agreement on here that these eejits will never change. If it´s not the Surnamegate it´ll be something else they bitch about you for. They´re a total waste of time and wishing for them to change is futile. May aswell bang your head against a wall.

Hmmm. I think it's to leave a door open for them, I don't know why. Maybe because despite everything they're dh's parents & fluffy's grandparents.

I know they're toxic and no good will come from having a relationship with them. But part of me just doesn't know how you go (potentially) the rest of your life without seeing you living parents.

Maybe because this is a sort of stealth abuse towards DH, it's not obvious verbal and/or physical abuse. I'm not sure if I'm articulating this very well. Basically, it'd be easier to cut contact with them if they turned around and said they thought we were a pair of twats, rather than this victim-playing crap.