silly childish in laws

[sphinxster]

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

Oh, and remember that the iLs have a vested interest in keeping the brothers apart. Divide and conquer. They probably pour poison in their ears about you.

Op, your dh should Skype next time holding a log, and refuse to acknowledge anything is amiss. twin peaks theme going here

I also think it's utterly bizarre that a grown man is prepared to hold his baby and be ignored by other adults.

This will be so damaging for your child to see as soon as they're able to take it in. If your DH shows it's ok to be treated like this, how is your child supposed to think they are worthy of good treatment, that relatives are kind, that bullying is wrong, that family is where love is, that they have the right to think they're worthwhile?

He doesn't have the option of hiding from these questions because he can't bear to face this or that truth or this or that reaction. He's not a little boy anymore; when you have a child, you have to be brave and face everything, otherwise your child ends up having to.

when you have a child, you have to be brave and face everything, otherwise your child ends up having to. Very nicely put, lost.

Dagger teehee blast from the past!....or maybe a cherry pie?? OK, time to grow up....

lost I´m in full agreement. sphinxter is gonna need to step in and over-ride her husband´s irrational reasoning and any protestations cos it´s absolutely ludicrous and damaging, like you say. Personally, I wouldn´t have even allowed it to start in the 1st place. She needs to reassert herself as the mother of an innocent baby who´s being gawped at and used as a pawn here, plus she needs to reacquaint herself with her duty of care to her son. No way could I sit idly by and watch this madness play out week after week.....talk about fucked up!

Start as you mean to go on, by insisting your ds is treated with respect by everyone, and that includes (of course!) his own father. He is not a performing seal to be displayed to the GPs in order to placate them in this ridiculous strop they are throwing. He should not be used by his own dad as some kind of human plaster for this latest 'cut' he has received from his parents.

I hope your DH starts to see what he's actually doing here. He is joining in with his ghastly parents to provide very unhealthy ground from where your son will be growing IYSWIM. He needs to see this first, and then he needs to take a stand and insist on decent civil communication if they want this relationship these skypes to continue. They won't agree, and when they don't, then the skyping needs to stop.

I would cut all contact, being a grand parent isn't a right it's a privilege.
They are being completely unreasonable and childish and I would stop playing their games x

Just had a quick chat (post dinner after our friends had left, so brief) I asked what his plan was, he said he was sending the email to attempt to get the resolution he hopes for. I said I wasn't going to allow ds to be part of the Skype craziness anymore, that ds will not have contact with people who don't show respect to us. He said he agrees and that was fine. I mentioned the FOG and he said he knows but it's complicated and difficult.

I think reading the comments to him last night have helped. Thank you.

It's going to be difficult for him when he doesn't get the response he's expecting and wants from this email.

it is complicated and difficult. It's shit when a vulnerable child grows up with this kind of pressure and unhealthiness ... no I mean this kind of wrongness and cruelness. Actually.

the kid, the person, your DP, keeps being tugged by the puppet strings because he hasn't been let free. He can't see the wood for the trees; he can't see how utterly space-crazy his parents are. He still wants love and decency, as anyone would.

You're right to put your foot down because his parents didn't give him the tools to be himself and a self-thinking adult. You are, for all that you're gentle and kind and generous. You're right to say No, not again. They had their effect on your baby's dad and it wasn't good. Keep your little son away from them.

It's not complicated. They're treating him like shit and he's allowing it. I know, I'm oversimplifying it a bit a lot. The difficult part is to recognize it (he's beginning to) and how to stop from reacting to it, stop from buying into their games (he's not there yet). It's so difficult that the majority of people who have to deal with this choose to just cut those people out of their lives. Because, with very rare exceptions, these people do not change.

I'm glad you've taken a stand. You're protecting all three of you by doing so.

You may want to discuss the email with him and see if you can prepare him a bit for not getting the response he's hoping for.

That´s great I´m also glad he agreed without any fuss either. I half expected him to wanna keep up the weird skype charade.

Hopefully the books that have been recommended on here will be useful to him and his eyes will gradually open to the reality of his screwy parents and their treatment of all their kids and partners.

You must be so relieved?!

Glad you guys are taking your DS out of the crazy, I think your DH is quite relieved your making the sensible call quite honestly, he knows its batshit but can't make that call himself.

This may not be the most helpful response as it sounds like the crazy calls are over (phew) but I'd be tempted to prop the iPad up just showing one baby foot or one ear for 20 mins, or point it at a recent photo of baby a few times.

An ex had awful parents. The girlfriend before me stood up and walked out of a Sunday lunch whilst they were visiting his parents and insisted he left too as she would not tolerate seeing him being treated like that. Must say had sneaking admiration for that! Sometimes takes an outsider to break the toxic weirdness.

blue what a totally random thing to say!! That´s just as bloody weird as what has been going on. Are you for real?

It is a little passive aggressive perhaps but I couldn't resist trying to provoke them into asking my DH or I to adjust the iPad slightly so they could actually see the baby.
And seeing as they are getting as much interaction with the baby at this stage as they would from a photo then what difference would it make? In reality I probably wouldn't do these things (more than once). I'm just tickled at the idea of the GPs trying to maintain a "dignified silence" whilst looking at half the baby's head.

Grandparents can slip into a form of madness on the arrival of grandchildren in my experience. It brings up all the old memories of new parenthood for them, except this time they on the outside looking in. They no longer have their darling baby boy, and he no longer needs them as is an adult and has his own family now. This doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it might go some way to explaining why they are being so unreasonable. Don't enable any nasty behaviour, I suspect you will need to treat them like stroppy children til they adjust (easier said than done). Congrats on your son!

Yes, Good the skype thing is over, & was just enabling their dominant behaviour.
if they want to see GC, they can visit. or have the odd photo sent.
They need addressing, hopefully DH's email will have told them clearly, that sulking at their age is PA, & not acceptable, the name is given & won't be changing, (a name choice taken by his parents jointly,) the baby is here, they can either decide to treat you as adults & enjoy a normal parental/grandparental relationship with you 3, or just carry on without

However, you may get told MIL sick, heart attack, due to upset, or inheritance threats, all part of the same controlling syndrome

Lol blue

Blue, I like your twisted, twisted mind :)

DH hasn't sent them email yet, I think he's worried about the reaction it'll get. He just got the call to Skype text and has responded with "we need to sort this out first". I have gently reminded him that fluffy monkey balls won't be involved in Skype peaks unless they can be civil to us.

Feeling quite anxious for him, I really do want this to be resolved for his sake.

I´m glad he seems to have a bit of gumption going for him and that he´s now considering how this is effecting you and your son. I understand he´s gonna be nervous but what´s the alternative?

Skype chuffing Peaks the sequel?? It could run on and on, so he´s definately doing the right thing. He´s got to do this, for his wife and little one, not least himself.

Let us know how it goes....

Well, at least he sees clearly enough to tell them things need to get sorted. That's a step in the right direction.

Would it do any good to sit down with him and have him outline to you what type of relationship he'd like with his parents 'in a perfect world'. At least that might give him a picture of the future to work from. Maybe if you started? You know, "In a perfect world I'd like your parents to jump off a cliff"? Kidding.

"In a perfect world, DH, I'd like your parents to accept our decision to give Fluffy both our names. I'd like them to not 'tut' or question our decisions, even if they don't agree with them. I'd like them to have a relationship with Fluffy based on 'spoiling' a bit, like most grandparents do, but not one in which they think they have equal authority to us. What would you like?"

OP you sound so lovely. I'd have told them to fuck off by now.

Sphinxster,

re your comment:-
"DH hasn't sent them email yet, I think he's worried about the reaction it'll get. He just got the call to Skype text and has responded with "we need to sort this out first". I have gently reminded him that fluffy monkey balls won't be involved in Skype peaks unless they can be civil to us.

Feeling quite anxious for him, I really do want this to be resolved for his sake".

Your DH is still very much in FOG with regards to them isn't he. One blessing here is that he did not respond readily to their Skype call however, by saying to them that "we need to sort this out first" shows me he still has a long way to go. They alone have caused all this to arise out of desire to get their own way. Being worried about their reaction as well makes me think he is still very much being controlled by them, he is still seeking their approval.

The problem here also is that it will not be resolved because his parents will remain unreasonable. There is really no reasoning with them, they certainly have not acted reasonably to date. I also think you will both be "punished" further for such transgressions in their eyes; I would expect a previously unknown health scare or MIL being further "upset".