silly childish in laws

[sphinxster]

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

sphinxster you're confusing your ILs with people who give a sh*t.
They really, really don't. For them, this is all about control and power. It has nothing to do with you or DH or Fluffy as living, breathing humans.
Whatever you do, don't inform them of anything. This doesn't stop you visiting people who care about you. Carve these awful people right out of your lives.
People like this don't do reason (that's been proved beyond doubt). All they want is to have their behaviour validated by bending you to their will. Any form of contact will be seen as okaying their behaviour.

I wouldn't mention any summer plans at the moment - these people are not talking to your DH! That is the situation which needs to be resolved. See how DH does with this first, then you'll maybe have an inkling of what to do next.

I'm glad this is all documented and I can reread it when/if I feel like 'being the bigger person'.

Hi Sphinxster,

Re your comments in quote marks:-
"Hmmm. I think it's to leave a door open for them, I don't know why. Maybe because despite everything they're dh's parents & fluffy's grandparents".

I think you need to far more closely examine your own reasons why you want to leave a door open for these people. Perhaps you have come from a nice emotionally healthy family yourself and part of you still cannot comprehend why they would want to behave like this. It is precisely because they are DHs parents and fluffy's grandparents that you need to stay away from these people. They will take fluffy and emotionally harm him in similar ways to what they have done to his father. I must reiterate their actions are only about power and control; they want absolute over you as a family.

"I know they're toxic and no good will come from having a relationship with them. But part of me just doesn't know how you go (potentially) the rest of your life without seeing you living parents"

Sphinxster, they are not your parents. They are his and your DH is slowly making his own way out of his FOG, you need to do the same now. NC is possible and it can be done. It is not your fault or your DHs that his parents are the ways they are. You will both need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I would totally concur with the views expressed by MoominPie and whitehandledkitchenknife; please take heed!.

DH needs to be the one to decide whether to stop being in contact or not. Please don't make the mistake of thinking you can be the one to fix these people's behaviour, only they can decide to do that. Sending them any sort of email at this stage about your summer plans could seriously undermine DH's present position. He's trying to sort it but he'll need to do so in his own time and put his own boundaries in place.

Otherwise he's not in such a good position to say to them 'sort yourselves out or the consequences will be...' because they will then be able to say 'but Sphinx says we can see you in the summer!'

I certainly wouldn't email them dates until this situation gets somewhat resolved. And if they're still playing games with you two I wouldn't email them at all.

My feeling would be that the door is closed right now, but they're perfectly free to knock and ask to come in.

I get what you are saying about not ever seeing your parents. Dh feels like this about his parents who are exactly like this (it's a fucking well worn track this one!).

So we see them for very low key visits maybe 4-5 times a year. We have lunch inevitably pig products as mil knows I hate pork we do mind numbing small talk, we go home - usually quite early because 'the kids need a bath' etc etc. Once the kids are in bed we compare 'in laws bingo' scores. It's a bit like being an anthropologist.

Any shenanigans are met with instant withdrawal of all contact until mil apologises - Dh doesn't answer phone, respond to texts or emails or talk to flying monkeys. We haven't had any shenanigans for about three years now. They don't see the dcs on their own or even alone in a room. We don't let 'off the cuff' comments slide.

All pretty annoying but not terrible in the grand scheme of things. And for Dh better (at the moment) than being nc.

That is absolutely NOT to say that nc isn't a good idea for lots of people, or right for you, or maybe right for us in a few years time. It's just to give another perspective. And if you are in different countries potentially quite workable.

I've only read your updates Sphinx, so I may well be saying the same as ^.

I don't think you should let them know. Don't chase the, for a relationship, let them make the move if they want to. Unfortunately by being the bigger person in the past, it seems like they don't feel that they have to take any action. Why should they when you go running?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You know what will happen. You've been there. And you know that they will continue to be childish and vile and disrespectful.

So don't do it. Don't put yourself and your family through it - you know what the outcome is goin to be.

I wonder if you're actually in FOG yourself. You say that they're still dh's parents and fluffy's grandparents: yes, they are. But that doesn't mean that you have to put up with endless shit.

If they were friends, would you drop them like a hot potato? Just because they're family it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

Eventually we went to stay with his brother and SIL who told us that PIL had told them we hadn't told them we were visiting

Even if and when you DO tell them explicitly when you ARE visiting, they LIE to others to make DH look shit.

MrSphinxster, They are not interested, they don't care (Sorry :( ) They care more about making you look bad than the actual truth. Making you look bad to the whole family means they can resume the martyr role. They clearly resent your happiness.

Email them ONCE to let them know, because otherwise you will feel guilty and will feel in the wrong, (because this is what they trained you to feel) but then leave it.

Sphinxster you have done and are doing an outstanding job in supporting your H in this. He is lucky to have you. Dealing with this stuff alone is awful.

I get the comments from other posters about you being in the FOG yourself, but i believe they are mistaken. It's not FOG, its hope/faith that others are like us.

Thing is, if you have not had to deal with toxics growing up, you truly still hold out for people not to be as awful as they are, it's incredible for you to contemplate that they won't just wake up one day and be normal.

Thing is, that's our version of normal vs theirs. They are being normal. That's who they are.

Hello, apologies for going awol and not responding.

I do feel obliged to them because that's what we're taught as a society (maybe?) to look up to our older relatives. I'm not from the most normal family and we've had our fair share of dramas but I can't imagine even the most dysfunctional of my relatives creating such a hoo-haa about a bloody name. So, no, I can't comprehend this behaviour and I would love for them to wake up and be 'normal' but know this won't happen.

Anyway, DH sent his email and there's still been no response. He withdrew contact but sends them a picture a week. We've spoken lots and he's ok (ish), says he's got his own family to focus on and they're the ones missing out (no guilt on his part). He also said that whatever happens in the future, they won't be left alone with fluffy.

He sent a picture of fluffy scoffing some puréed carrot and got a response back "he looks like he enjoys his food". First thing they've 'said' to him in months. He said he doesn't feel any differently and is going to continue with the one picture a week contact.

They also sent him a generic cheap shitty birthday card... It hardly seemed worth the trip to the post office and postage costs!

Thanks to you all.