is my husband being unreasonable?

[LIVINGTHEDREAM1]

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

i don't WANT him to be in london knackered providing for a SAHM! i want him with me with us both muddling through together!

It's ok to want a change, it's ok to need a change.

But having a child, changing location and changing job all at once is maybe biting off more than you can chew all at once? Takes 2-3 years to properly to get grips with one of those things anyway of you're lucky.

By the way, I tried moving back to my hometown after 10 years away once...it had changed a lot in the meantime. So I know it's easy to think moving home will be waving a magic wad, but think about maybe it wouldn't be.

i don't WANT him to be in london knackered providing for a SAHM! i want him with me with us both muddling through together!

He doesn't WANT to leave London.

wand not wad

(although maybe you do think your London equity will be a magic wad?)

Anyway, I think your best bet is to talk to your husband, with open ears and an open mind and take it from there, one step at a time. Good luck

thanks so much PitPatKitKat and all the very best to you. thanks again. X

Thing is that what you're expecting from him is to be able to deal with a new job, a new house and a new baby plus a potentially exhausted wife and all the other aspects of upheaving your entire life purely on your say so and all without any input of his own. Does that sound fair to you? Would you do all of that for him on his say so?
Most men don't just do what their wives want you know (this goes for women as well ) ,the ones I know would have the guts to stand up and say 'I'm not happy with this' and try to find a solution that suits both people in the partnership.
You can't dictate what he wants.

All the best to you too X

Was wondering did he agree with you that you were going to start trying for a baby? Not theoretically one day but in reality ie right now. If not I just wonder if he's not ready and your pregnancy has come as a bit of a shock to him.

Why can't he commute? The fast train from Brighton to Victoria is only 50 minutes for example.

yes we agreed, definitely. no doubts there. still a shock when it happens though (it had taken a while).
he cant commute 250 miles daily.

She doesn't want to go to Brighton! What's with all the Brighton stuff. She wants to go somewhere between Exeter and Plymouth. I willing to bet that it takes more than 50 minutes to do that commute.

Could you ask him why he hasn't told you he loves you since you got pregnant?

What are the other relationship problems? Clearly this is the biggest problem, but what are the others?

For me the big question is whether you both still love each other and want to make it work. If so, are you both prepared to compromise? Or is London a deal-breaker for him and Devon a deal-breaker for him?

If you both still love each other and are prepared to make an effort and compromise, I would suggest a. getting couple's counselling to work on all the issues (not just this one) and b. looking into other options such as Bristol (a good size city with lots of jobs and lots happening, cheaper than London and closer to your family). But that wouldn't work if you're both dead set on London v Devon.

Look we've done the new house first baby thing ourselves. It's exhausting and we only moved a mile away! Add in a drop in salary (which happened shortly after) and it becomes soul sucking when you end up hoping that you have enough for food, bills and nappies the week before payday.
Slow down, look at things objectively - being pregnant and organising a house move ground me down and we were working as a team.

I have a little family by the sea in the SW. It's bloody hard. I had a professional job when I lived up country, and I still do, but for 50% of my previous salary. House prices are high - not London high but 7-10 times average salaries.

If I lost my job for some reason I would probably have to move and uproot my whole family (I am the bread winner), that's how scarce good jobs are. I would be paid £20k more if I was doing this same job just up the road in Bristol, and I resent that.

Not everyone down here is skint and happy. Plenty are skint and unhappy.

If I were you I would put off moving for the first 2 years. See what kind of husband and father your DH is, and then reassess.

Don't hold onto childhood dreams, you're a grown up now.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

If you just upped and moved with the baby would he follow you or stay put?

Is he looking forward to being a dad?

You seem like such different people I do t know how you've stayed married for so long!

thanks coughed that's good advice from someone with real life experience.

i don't know what would happen if i left because we haven't got there yet.... we are different but good different. well, until this little conundrum raised its head.

It sounds as if he doesn't want to go. I've done the reverse. Im 35, DH is 39. Im a Londoner and he moved down for uni in 1999.

When I had DD in 2012, he suddenly decided he was done with London and wanted to move further out. I ended up agreeing to move to his hometown in the Midlands. I didn't really want to move but I thought it would make him happy.

He worked from home 4 days a week and went to the office for 1 day. Until he changed jobs and worked locally.

I gave up my career in the city to raise DS and DD, my family, my friends and everything I know and love on the basis that you don't know until you try.

That was 3 years ago and I'm still desperately homesick. Sure I've made new friends and sure, I have a bigger house for the money. Still doesn't fill that hole though. Maybe I will get used to it eventually.

You need to have an honest discussion with him about what you both want. Ask him to be straight with you. It's a huge decision for both of you. Have things been rocky between you because he doesn't want to move?

Also, I had estate agents in 7 days after my cs with dd. It was horrendous! And then the viewings and the rest of it.

If I had the choice again I'd have waited until DD was a few years old to make a decision.

Thanks Panda it's good to hear from both sides...
things have been rocky for various reasons.. not really the move, no. difficult stuff but we committed to making a go of it together and now we have new problems (eg. not the stuff that caused the rockiness). doesn't bode well does it? if it's not one thing it's another...

i hope you feel happier in the midlands soon :-)

I'm not sure you're considering all the practicalities of what you are asking. Ok you'll be mortgage free (although assuming you have a very large equity as coastal houses are not cheap!), but you're also expecting to live on a single reduced salary and that can be a major adjustment. Add in a new baby and all they cost, and the stress of hoping he will find a job, it is a lot. It's not all little picnics on the beach in the sunshine.

You really do sound like you've got a postcard picture in your head of a life by the sea but haven't fully thought of the practical like DH will have to do as the sole provider.

My DH and I have discussed lots of times about moving here or there but neither of us have taken it as a binding contract!

I know you don't mean to come across as selfish but it doesn't sound like you are considering how to make him happy in the new life with a baby, just yourself. If I didn't know better I would think I was talking to a teenager with your outlook.

Hi OP.

I guess I'm him in your story:

My partner and I have both expressed a wish (more my partner) to move to his homeland in the future - Australia. Right now, in my life I can honestly say that I'd be up for it. I said when our kids (not even born yet) were all at school so I could work and meet people Id like to look at it. I'd consider it a very real possibility, maybe not forever, but certainly for a large chunk of my kids childhood. We'll review nearer the time I guess!

But I've also said whenever it's been brought up (the initial conversation was 2years ago) that if when we got to that time it didn't feel right I wouldn't. Whether he's taken that on board I have no idea. But our relationship isn't being carried forward based on future promises as big as that one given we have no idea where we'll be in say 8 years time.

He wanted to go back for a year, with me on a working visa in 2015, after I'd said in 2014 I'd maybe be up for it (he was meant to go back for good in 2014 but then he met meeee ). But 2015 rolled around and I said I didn't want too, career was looking good, money was even better. He agreed to wait, with an ultimatum (how serious it was I don't know) 2016 or he's going without me.

This years looking even better than last year, but having seen him wait for 2 years, when he'd already been in the UK for 8 and wanted to go back, I didn't want him to wait any longer. So we've booked our flights and are going in July, for 11months and 2 weeks. I will always find a reason to stay, job, family, friends. But this is important to him and he is important to me. Its a sacrifice on my part, but one I need to make and am happy in doing so.

Moving back for a longer period... I don't know about. I doubt when kids are in the mix there would be such an ultimatum. We'll discuss that when we're nearer that time.

Life changes over the years as does the circumstances we find ourselves in. You can't expect anyone to still be in the exact same place as when you had a conversation however many years ago.

I think you're both being unreasonable. You for not considering that things would have changed and for pining the future of your relationship on a relocation that he may no longer wish to go for. And Him for not managing your expectations or being totally honest over what is clearly something very important too you. I've got no advice for how to deal with it. I don't know if my post is any help. But maybe it'll help you see it slightly from the other side.

There's going to have to be compromises I guess. I wish you well with this.

Thanks for letting me know. As I said we none of us know what's going on with your DH but maybe it is the pregnancy that is causing him to panic and withdraw? And this is not obvious because it has coincided with you talking to him about relocating? Just a thought.

I certainly wouldn't rush into any relocation/ marriage decisions until the baby is here. It is very, very, very difficult to fully understand how your lives will change and what your feelings will be once you have a baby, until you experience it. For most people, the baby becomes the absolute centre of their world and everything is planned around them and what is best for them. I can't predict the future but your husband may feel very differently then.

thanks Wombat that is helpful - and very very good luck in australia!

and yes, over chips, he basically said this himself that it might all change when LO arrives. bit of a gamble though. eek!

And yes i realise that the baby becomes the centre of everything. that is why i am planning ahead and want them to be near family and in the fresh air and a family home rather than a cramped one bed with 3 flights of stairs - no buggy! – and a glass shower rather than a bath!