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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to believe him

190 replies

icklekid · 23/01/2016 05:22

So yesterday eve I got a very odd text from dh

"Hi babe what flat do I need to buzz? X"

I rang dh immediately and said I was confused about the text he just sent he said he hadn't sent a text and was driving home not far away. I said fine and he said is everything OK? I just told him would talk about it when he got back.

I have 18 month ds and am very early stages of second pregnancy. At the moment I'm struggling to keep any food down and crippled by exhaustion so 2 days of looking after ds (work part time) have been very tough. Anyway I bath ds and get him ready for bed. Dh comes home doesn't say anything about it and puts ds to bed.

I go downstairs and wait for dh -when he comes in I show him the text and say that I don't understand. He says I can see how that would upset you but I promise it wasn't me who sent it. I'm in tears saying that I don't understand how it can't be him!! He has been late back from work every night this week but work is also hell for him at the moment and he's commuting long distances.

Help I don't want to believe he's cheating and he says he would never risk what we have but what other option is there?

OP posts:
GNRmama · 24/01/2016 09:43

Ickle, I used to work for a mobile phone network provider and you shouldn't have to wait until 15th if you know what time he sent the text. In the systems we used new calls showed up after a few minutes in the records. If you ring up (and have access to his account) you can ask for the numbers he called in the minutes around receiving the text and how long the calls were. I actually had this happen a few times where partners were looking for, and successfully found, evidence of cheating.

LoTeQuiero · 24/01/2016 10:30

Spot on Vegan. Maybe I should have been clearer.

SevenOfNineTrue · 24/01/2016 11:26

Sorry to say it but I have to agree with many of the PP's, sounds like he was visiting a sex worker.

I know of a man who did this because they had a 20 month old and she was pregnant with another baby and their sex life was not what he wanted. He felt it was fine to do this as it was not technically an OW relationship just someone he paid for sex Sad

duckwalk · 24/01/2016 12:11

LoTeQuiero apologies, however it did read differently to how you meant it to. -or maybe it's just me- Grin truce?

duckwalk · 24/01/2016 12:11

Bloody strikeout fail.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 24/01/2016 12:36

duck yes, it was just you. HTH.

duckwalk · 24/01/2016 13:46

Massively, thank you.

Squishyeyeballs · 24/01/2016 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowerlily · 24/01/2016 16:59

Hi, sorry it doesn't look good. Something similar happened to me with my ex.

Just curious why some people assume it's a prostitute just because a flat was mentioned?

I live in a flat. If it was simply an ow, that could be the case?

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 24/01/2016 18:09

flowerlily it's got nothing to do with it being a flat. It's because he's calling there but doesn't know the flat number. Also that it was so easy for him to ditch his "date" and hot tail it home.

It could be the first time he's ever been to hers, of course. But it also fits seeing a prostitute.

CheersMedea · 24/01/2016 18:30

Just curious why some people assume it's a prostitute just because a flat was mentioned?

LOL. That's not the issue!!!

It's because he was visiting someone and he didn't know which flat to buzz dopey!!! Grin

If it was a friend/affair/OW you'd expect him to know the address and have the info, even if it was a first time.

Redglitter · 24/01/2016 18:37

Quite a leap to assume its a prostitute just because he asked a flat number. I've lived in my flat 6 years and I still have dopey friends phone me from the car park asking which buzzer is mine. One in particular has a total mental block with it.

Redglitter · 24/01/2016 18:39

Regardless of who he was texting though it definitely doesn't sound good

CheersMedea · 24/01/2016 19:00

Quite a leap to assume its a prostitute just because he asked a flat number.

Not another one! RTFT. Specifically what Cabrinha posted. It's not just the flat number it's the flat number in the context of the language he used.

Redglitter · 24/01/2016 19:06

Did RTFT thanks. Still think it's some leap despite a pp experience

Redglitter · 24/01/2016 19:12

Prostitute or not there's definitely someone else. He's adding insult to injury denying sending the text.

LoTeQuiero · 24/01/2016 20:52

Truce duck Wink

MingZillas · 24/01/2016 21:21

icklekid I hope you're ok. I've been in situations where I've had suspicions about ex's and can remember how it feels Flowers

flowerlily · 24/01/2016 21:32

I didn't read full thread I admit. And realise it's not the real issue. Just meant that I still get people sending me text asking what flat number. Even though they've been there loads!

I realise it doesn't look good regardless. Just was curious to the flat issue

LoTeQuiero · 24/01/2016 21:51

Fingers crossed we are all wrong and have to eat our words.

GlitteryFluff · 24/01/2016 21:57

Sorry op it doesn't look to me. But I don't know how you find out the truth.
Do you know his passwords for emails/FB etc? I'd maybe see if I could investigate more.

CalleighDoodle · 24/01/2016 22:24

I have a friend who regulalry uses a swingers site and will meet up with random people on his way home from work if he gets the chance. So not necessarily a sex worker.

VenusInFauxFurs · 25/01/2016 00:18

If he has been using sex workers then he will have been paying them in cash. Can you check your bank account to see if there are any large cash withdrawals recently that he can't account for.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 25/01/2016 00:54

Not necessarily cash, isn't there a site called Aworks which shows up on bank statements? Presumably they pay upfront?

It's been mentioned in MN threads before.

Either way, worth checking the bank account.

Original poster
icklekid · 25/01/2016 03:54

Thanks everyone for posting I know it's not looking good. I've access to his email Facebook banking etc we've never really hidden anything from each other and always use each others phone to check each others accounts.

He still absolutely adamantly denies it even accepting it looks bad. I've looked through last phone bill and nothing odd calls or texts all to people I know and no women really! No money missing in bank accounts. I know someone earlier said about ringing phone company to ask about calls/texts sent around the time- would be interested to see if he made any other calls/texts straight after he sent it. He doesn't have an iPhone so on plus side I can see his messages but negative no location tracking etc.

I'm just so unwell that I'm not sure what else to do. Can't take ds and go elsewhere and dh is kind of acting like all is normal. I know I will be suspicious until I see that phone bill and if he is late home will be ringing straight away and letting him know.

I have told a friend in real life because I needed someone else to talk this through with. I feel so in limbo just wanting to know the truth but hurting because I think he is lying

OP posts: