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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to believe him

190 replies

icklekid · 23/01/2016 05:22

So yesterday eve I got a very odd text from dh

"Hi babe what flat do I need to buzz? X"

I rang dh immediately and said I was confused about the text he just sent he said he hadn't sent a text and was driving home not far away. I said fine and he said is everything OK? I just told him would talk about it when he got back.

I have 18 month ds and am very early stages of second pregnancy. At the moment I'm struggling to keep any food down and crippled by exhaustion so 2 days of looking after ds (work part time) have been very tough. Anyway I bath ds and get him ready for bed. Dh comes home doesn't say anything about it and puts ds to bed.

I go downstairs and wait for dh -when he comes in I show him the text and say that I don't understand. He says I can see how that would upset you but I promise it wasn't me who sent it. I'm in tears saying that I don't understand how it can't be him!! He has been late back from work every night this week but work is also hell for him at the moment and he's commuting long distances.

Help I don't want to believe he's cheating and he says he would never risk what we have but what other option is there?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/01/2016 11:52

Razorlight
Delivering something for the OP? Impossible I guess.
Then why would he say "No I haven't texted you, I'm driving home"? Hmm

Sorry OP but I'd assume either casual hookup(s) or seeing a sex worker. Can you get into his phone, tablet, laptop, etc?

Razorlightnight · 23/01/2016 11:53

Because the text may have been from weeks/months ago. Confused

DoreenLethal · 23/01/2016 11:57

Delivering something for the OP?

If he was delivering something, perhaps her response would have been 'Flat 2 - see you later'.

Razorlightnight · 23/01/2016 12:00

And it may have been weeks/months ago!

I'm out. Again, good luck OP.

DoreenLethal · 23/01/2016 12:04

And it may have been weeks/months ago!

But presumably then he would still have the package in his car if he never found the flat?

stumblymonkey · 23/01/2016 12:15

Sorry but I have to add to the others here that he definitely sent it...

If it was a virus the texts ask you to click a link or have other random things in....it sounds nothing like a virus text.

If it was cloning there is no way the person who had cloned his number would have your number.

Mobile phones don't have errors that make them text random things to people. I don't know of any cases of that.

I would ask him to show me (immediately so no chance to delete anything) his text messaging history. Anyone who is not guilty would just want to put your mind at rest and would show you. If he gets defensive and tries to make out that you're being nuts then you have your answer - he will just be turning it around on you to divert from showing his texts.

It's possible he may have deleted texts already because suspicion has been raised.

RedRainRocks · 23/01/2016 12:19

Is it an iPhone? I've had texts that have randomly not been delivered to the recipient only to arrive days or even weeks later causing much amusement and sometimes confusion.

He definitely sent that text. When, and to whom it was intended for, is another matter.

mix56 · 23/01/2016 12:51

he is lying

ILikeUranus · 23/01/2016 13:10

He sent the text. He wasn't driving home until he realised his mistake. He hasn't been working late, he has been "working late", and he is not stressed about work, he is stressed because cheating on someone and keeping it secret is very stressful. But he can't tell you that so he's used work to explain his stress, absence, withdrawal from being as engaged as usual in conversation and in the relationship. "I'm just stressed because of work" shuts down a conversation and excuses behaviour you would be suspicious about without any difficult questions. My H was stressed about work and "working late" when he was having an affair as well. He also had texts on his phone that he couldn't explain - until it all came out.

RivieraKid · 23/01/2016 13:16

What Uranus said. Sorry OP.

AllOutOfNaiceHam · 23/01/2016 13:17

I had it once happen that I was randomly getting through to somewhere abroad when dialling my husband's number that had been saved in my phone for ages. It happened for about a week, and then never again, without me changing anything or DH changing anything.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 23/01/2016 13:21

I can't think of an innocent explanation for this, and if it was my DH I would be like a dog with a bone until I had answers.

LoTeQuiero · 23/01/2016 13:44

He's cheating. And I imagine it could be because you're pregnant and feeling sick and therefore not giving him the attention he wants. There is no way he didn't send that text and then he drove straight home when he realised what he'd done.
I don't know how you go about getting him to admit it

whatdoIget · 23/01/2016 13:49

My iPhone also sometimes sends/resends texts from the past. So it might be worth doing a search of your texts to see if it's one that has been sent to you before by him. When it happens, it's always to the original recipient though or I could be in a lot of trouble

BlondeOnATreadmill · 23/01/2016 14:14

OK, so let's assume that he did send the text and he was intending to visit another woman......

The first time that he'd be alerted that he's texted you Op (rather than the OW), would be when he got the phone call from you.

Immediately after that call, he will have had to text or call the OW, to tell her he isn't coming over, as he's been rumbled.

So, if it was me, I would be getting a copy of the itemised bill, and looking for the phone number that was contacted immediately after your call to him.

And I'd be calling that number, to see who is belonged to.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 23/01/2016 14:14

who it belonged to

emilybrontescorset · 23/01/2016 14:22

He definately sent the text.

Make him ring his network provider if he insists he didn't.

I'm sorry op but he is having sex with someone else.

MoominPie22 · 23/01/2016 14:48

Hope ur OK OP. Sound advice on here. Also, next time he says he's working late, u could ring his work phone, if he has one, just to check he is actually at work. Come up with sm BS reason if he picks up.
Could u even ring his work and check with someone wot time he left yest? Just to see if it tallies. Not sure how plausable that is in reality tho.
You don't want him learning that ur checkin up on him. U need to def dig and get sm evidence.
I dunno wot it is about men behaving badly at the moment, but there seems a lot of women posting in a similar position to u just now.Flowers I hope u get to the bottom of it soon.

AyeAmarok · 23/01/2016 14:51

He sent the text. Sorry your husband is a cheating shit.

Can you ask him to give you some space?

HandyWoman · 23/01/2016 14:52

Awful for you OP. For your baby's health you need to get sexual health checkups repeated in 3 months time and in a way you probably feel like sex is the last thing you want with the exhaustion - because if you do you need to get him to use condoms til you find out what the hell is going on. Can you check his web browsing history??

AndYourBirdCanSing · 23/01/2016 15:14

I am do sorry sweetheart. He is lying.

You need to gather as much information as you can because he WILL minimise. Do you have access to emails, online banking etc? Make it clear he has one chance and one chance only to be honest with you.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 23/01/2016 15:15

We are all here for you Flowers

Qwertyy · 23/01/2016 15:27

Your "D"h is lying to you for sure. He was visiting a prostitute. The door number request on arrival is a dead give away.
I'm so so sorry. I don't know how you are going to get him to admit it, you'll probably be stonewalled.

FitzChivarly · 23/01/2016 15:28

Sorry OP it does sound as if he is cheating. I second pp idea of finding out who he contacted after you called him - this will hold the answer.
Flowers

CheersMedea · 23/01/2016 15:35

Cabrinha Sat 23-Jan-16 07:49:19
From bitter experience, that sounds like a text to a prostitute.
I've seen the messages between my XH and the prostitutes he booked and they use a lot of "babe" and "hun", so it would not be odd for him to mirror that

I'm sorry Cabrinha that you even know that. I'm actually quite shocked I don't know why. It maybe the matter of fact why that you posted that info which I would never have known.

It totally fits with not knowing what flat number it would be. If it was an affair/OW, being not a paid for relationship, - even if it was a first time, you'd expect him to know the address.

OP that is very obviously a text he sent and it was not intended for you. You need to not believe him and act accordingly - whatever that means for you and how you would act if you didn't believe him.

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