Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

Sorry OP,I forgot to say No you are not Stupid in the slightest.Your husband is though.You sound like a lovely genuine person who trusted her husband and why wouldn't you.
Your supposed to be able to trust the one you love,the one you pledge your life to,nothing that has happened is because of you,or anything you might have said or done this all lays at your husbands feet,he has to own the responsibility for his actions and anything that follows on from his actions.

Whether it was strip club or a massage parlour it would still be a prostitute wouldn't it?

He's highly likely just to have told you the story he thinks he is most likely to be forgiven for - deal breaker for me.

He's cheated - dealbreaker for me.

He's caught a lifelong STI that I wouldn't want to risk catching from cheating - dealbreaker for me.

He has more than likely been cheating the entire relationship - dealbreaker for me.

I would no longer trust him and I don't think I would ever be able to - dealbreaker.

If he has used sexworkers - dealbreaker

He's not a good man...

Bloody hell I would be apoplectic! Thing is with genital herpes is it's not just going to go away with antibiotics. It's a virus that will cause intermittent contagious symptoms his whole life which means you will now have to closely examine him every time you want to have sex, to make sure he has no blisters and could infect you. Even if you get over the lying and infidelity I would really struggle with the STI.

I'm sorry but I think paying a woman for sex is worse than a one night stand/sleeping with a work collegue.

The fact that he didn't even tell you it was a blow job, he just told you he was touched, you found out through google, that the minimum needed was a bellow job so you went with that. I'm assuming men that pay prostitutes go there for full sex not a blow job, and he choose with either act to not wear a condom, how stupid and selfish is that for you.

Sorry but I think he has done more.

Go to the STI clinic, tell them your husband slept with a prostitute and has xxxx diagnosis. They will treat you compassionately and have seen many women in the same situation

I doubt very much this is the 1st time he´s been unfaithful and I also doubt he would´ve told you about it had he not caught an STI.

He´s disgusting and I certainly would not be able to be anywhere near him, never mind contemplating having a future together. He´d have to wear condoms for ever more I´m presuming??

He´s screwed up your relationship royally hasn´t he? And fucked up the trust you had in him. He surely can´t love and respect you or he wouldn´t go around sticking his penis in strange women´s mouthes!

For me this is a definate LTB situation. What a dispicable scumbag. You see, everything he ever did in the past re helping your parents out, what kind of husband he is yadda yadda...it all becomes insignificant now. It means nothing. Because how can you ever get past this and think of him in the same way as you did previously? I would find it impossible, personally.

I´m so sorry, you must feel shell-shocked. Have you told anyone in real life yet?

Moomin, condoms don't fully protect against herpes :(

He is a liar. That would be the deal breaker for me. I get what you mean about him not being to tell you about it because of Christmas and house guests etc. But really? Christmas is every year. His opportunity to confess immediately was a one time option even then I personally couldn't have forgiven him He would have been acting differently over this time surely? Or is he such a good liar/actor that you never knew something was up? Would he have told you if he hadn't caught anything? NO I don't believe this was his first time.

As you said, you have dds, what would he say about a man who bought his dds like he bought this woman?

I would certainly get the name of the club and report them to the local council.

OP there's a big difference between "stupid" and "wouldn't expect your husband of 20 years to do such a thing because you trusted him". You have to trust your husband, that's what marriage is for, you can't spend your life checking up on him. It's normal to trust your partner until he shows you reason not to. Now, he has and you shouldn't trust him, but you weren't stupid not to have known.

I would say not being familiar with exactly how strip joints/brothels work hardly says bad things about you.

There's no need to beat yourself up about this. You have been cheated on, that's not your fault.

Condoms don't necessarily protect you from herpes. It depends where his sores are and whether the condom covers that area. I would never want to have sex with him again.

In some ways I think visiting prostitutes is more of a betrayal than having a full-blown affair.

Affair - the betrayal is for presumably passionate emotions
Prostitute - he threw away 21 years, a marriage, and much of seeing his daughters grow up for the sake of a manky blowjob.

Even if you can forgive you won't be able to forget - herpes is treatable, not curable. You would have to take great care to ensure your daughters don't use the same towels as he does, for the rest of your life.

Have you asked him why he did it for your own understanding? Does he know. Paid for or not paid for, its cheating & personally I'd be done with it. It's the ultimate betrayal.

How devastating to read this OP. I do not believe this was his first time - in any context. It takes quite some nerve (and pactice) for a punter to summon up the courage to ask for a blow job (he has to be sure the dancer is offering that kind of service and usually knows this from experience). He has more than likely received goldmine in the past the easy way - prostitutes.

This man is no longer the man you married, OP, and I do not see how wives get past this; he sought this woman out because he wanted a blow job from someone who isn't his wife. His wanton desprespect for you would be the deal breaker. Please leave the utter bastard.

Overreacting? NO. He now has a life long virus inside him, which you & the children can catch.

He has put his health, your health & his kids health at risk for a fucking blow job...and PAID for the pleasure (of the virus)

*goldmine?? That should be blowjobs.

Not over reacting at all OP. Even if this is a single out of character incident it would be a deal breaker for me. Regardless of what else he may or may not be covering up.

I don't know anyone that has had a blowjob in a strip club, my friend and my bro have frequented them. I have been in one (a very very long time ago)

The girls do not want you to touch them, and these are not very high end joints just normal city places.

I call liar

OP - I hope you are ok

Think you might be able to see from the reaction how people feel about this situation. x

OP I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

It is easy for people from a distance to say kick him to the kerb but with pre-teen/teenage daughters who are forming ideas about themselves, men, relationships and trust, I would be thinking about the effect of a separation on them too.

That doesn't mean the alternative is to stay together and be forced to forgive/accept him either. That's a road to lasting resentment.

The first thing I would be wanting is for him to tell me exactly what happened. Having found out that it was through oral sex from the Internet, I think you know he is not telling you the full story or perhaps you are not asking for it. He needs to tell you what has happened, how long it has been going on for and why he has been putting his and your health at risk and the family in jeopardy by this behaviour. If he is not honest about the problems and you do not know what they are, then how can you decide what to do to solve them?

Maybe going to a couples' councillor will help you talk to each other about a very difficult subject. It is worrying that although you seem to have quite clear views on many issues, religion, how to bring up your kids etc, you seem unsure about how to evaluate his betrayal. Is he trying to persuade you that this is just a little thing, or have you been trying to persuade yourself?

He also needs to give you sufficient access to his life, online etc to demonstrate that it is a one off. Like others I tend to think that's unlikely. If he refuses to do this, if you are reduced to checking his pockets etc... then this would be a deal breaker for me. In any case, I was in a similar situation I would put a keystroke recording program on his/the family computer now, to check what he is doing/sites he is visiting and not say anything about it, ever. He has revealed a reckless side, who knows what may happen in the future?

With regard to the money he gave your parents, are they now in the position to pay it back? Whatever you decide to do now or later, it would be a good thing to pay it back so that it doesn't become part of the issue, or become a factor in whether you decide to stay or go.

Health wise you and he need to go for check ups, the full monty, HIV, hep C, everything.It can all be done quickly and anonymously. Good luck with all that.

You've had many good years of marriage which obviously count for something. His betrayal is serious enough for many people to consider going immediately. I would be considering that too, although I like to think I would try to stay in some sort of reduced marriage to avoid a separation affecting my child. If you can, try not to do anything in a hurry, whatever you do, should be for the better.

Bloody awful, you have my sympathy OP.

As many pp have said, it's very unlikely that he is telling the truth. Going to a strip bar is one thing, but on your one and only visit to pay for sex and contract herpes- I doubt it. I wouldn't be surprised if this is just 'normal behaviour' for him and he had done this many times before. I guess I'm not a forgiving person, but I couldn't live with someone who was that type of man. I would chuck him straight out onto the street.

Get a full STI check regardless of what he says.

Sorry OP to me the exact info on how he caught the STI wouldn't be important to me

He has cheated on you end of. After years of a good marriage , is it the first time..? I doubt you will ever know the truth, again it wouldn't matter to me

He betrayed you, I couldn't move on from that

So for me as heartbreaking as it would be, it would be the end of the marriage for me

I personally wouldn't touch him with a barge pole again. I would be always worried if he was about to break out. I know that there are couples who manage outbreaks, but in that scenario, I'm thinking sex wouldn't be spontaneous.

It's a deal breaker.

It is easy for people from a distance to say kick him to the kerb but with pre-teen/teenage daughters who are forming ideas about themselves, men, relationships and trust, I would be thinking about the effect of a separation on them too.

Wouldn't want some sexist pig raising any daughter of mine. It's not OK to think that women are objects who can be bought for sex. What does this tell you about relationships and female identity?

But then I guess I have quite strong views on this type of thing

I think you know your marriage is over and your world is about to change.

He has told you of this because he has contracted herpes. It may be a regular occurrence for him, for all you may be aware.

He has betrayed you, your marriage, kids, life together now and any future you may have had. The "dream" is finished.

If you can forgive all that and have a very different life together in the future (it will NEVER be the same) then that is something only you know.

I would ask him to leave immediately.