Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

Ivykaty

Symptoms can start a few days after catching it, you read the article too

This is a deal breaker for me. You are under reacting if anything. I would have left already.

Also a classic scenario where man contracts sti and has to tell wife, saying it was his 'first' time. No, he just had no choice but to tell you this time.

I'm so sorry op. But does he go out with friends regularly? Or say he's going to be at work or visiting somebody? If he's had opportunities then he's probably taken them over the last decade or even the last year.

Think of the chances of this....you wait until 40 to go to a strip bar. You choose a booth asking only for oral. You contract sti and have to tell wife.

This is highly unlikely. Most of these club girls stay protected and clean nowadays, and they get regularly tested. It's not like half of them are running around with herpes. Your dh won the sti lottery, which as we know, is even harder now.

Regardless of how many times though, once is enough. He has cheated and in the most disgusting manner. He has sacrificed his relationship to live out a cheap twenty minute fantasy. He deserves herpes. He's no saint well this says it all. He is already predisposed to less than desirable behaviour.

Hundreds of men go to strip clubs, sure. Single men, cheating men, mucky old men, more cheating men and a few generally vile perverted men Only the first is really acceptable in this case. Is your dh single?

I could never forgive or forget this. I'm so sorry op that this is happening. Your world must be turned upside down. I would be heartbroken and packing my bags. What is going through your head right now that you know you are not over reacting?

I too don't believe the strip club scenario. It sounds as if it was plucked out of the ethers of his imagination to try and minimise what happened - despite the fact that stripclub herpes is pretty fucking bad on it's own merit!

I've never, ever known someone to go to a strip club for the first time after a night out has fallen through, never mind PAY to receive a blowjob with no protection. If this is wildly out of character for DH, I imagine the likelihood of him doing all that alone is slim to none - most blokes are too intimidated to get a dance without copious amounts of alcohol and friends egging them on.

I imagine he's having to think on his feet for a story that removes most elements of "unfaithfulness" (compared to full blown sex/repeated affairs) and this was the best he could come up with - and I bet he only told you because of the herpes, lest you discover you have contracted it too - so he's given you a cock and bull story first.

OP - if you've had unprotected sex since the 'event' please go and get checked too.

Im sorry this has happened to you but I doubt very much this is out of character. He simply now can't hide it due to catching an STD. It almost sounds like he planned to go to the the strip bar too. I mean if the night out didn't happen, how did manage to soberly decide it would be a good idea to venture into a strip bar and cheat on you?

OP you need to get more angry. I might be getting the wrong vibe but it seems like your wanting to excuse this so you can gi back to your idyllic life.

Overreacting,not reacting enough more like

OP if this was in the UK it was not a strip bar!I've known people that have used them and people that have worked in them in the past.
They wouldn't risk loosing they're licence and court appearances and heavy fines and the risk of being closed down.

Strip bars can pull in a fortune without sex being on the menu.

For me this would be the end of the relationship like Jibber said if he hadn't caught herpes would you have ever found out?and I'd be worried that this wasn't the first or last time that he'd be cheating on you!If you've been together that long and nothing felt off and you all managed to have a good Christmas then I'd be worrying about how good a liar he is.

Does he realize that although he can get medication to help with the infection that this is it,unless they find a cure in the future he's got it for life.

I hope you haven't had sex OP but if you have you need to get yourself to your nearest GUM clinic.If you are in the UK this link can help you find your nearest one and explains a bit about what they can do and what to expect
www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Sexual-health-information-and-support/LocationSearch/734

Actually no, he would be packing his bags x

I guess as a catholic you won't divorce him then? He deserves to be chucked out. Vile

With respect I think clearing up your father's mess for him doesn't mean he has any respect for women or for his commitment to you.

Being Catholic does not mean he is not a pig either. There is a lot of sexism inherent in much of the Catholic Church.

I understand you will resent going to the clinic but it will be fine and you need to go.

He's caught the one STI that condoms don't protect against... I'd be suspicious that he has been having regular sex outside the marriage for a long time and has learned how best to keep it secret, spot and avoid infection.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

Was he behaving as normal for him from 23rd December until now? I'm shocked he was able to keep it quiet for almost a month. I hope he hasn't put you at risk of herpes too.

I don't think I believe the strip club story though I'm afraid.

You are definitely not overreacting. This is serious.

Holidays - strip bars often offer sex despite it not being allowed. It by no means wasn't a strip bar but it could also be a fabrication.

Oh OP how horrendous he has been towards you

Taking out of the equation what sort of man pays for sex, what sort of a man stumbles into a strip club alone and pays for sex on their first visit? I very, very much doubt it was the first time.

It's your choice how you go forward, but if you think you can possibly move past this, you need full disclosure. He has to tell you the truth, and I don't believe he is.

Please go get yourself STD checked. And know that you are not overreacting, and this is not your fault.

You don't need to equate the good things he's done with this. He chose to help your parents and he chose to go to a strip joint. No person is black or white good or bad, we are all shades of grey to various degrees.

The fact he has daughters makes it worse I think.

He used family money to pay for sex - money that could have gone towards your mortgage, or a treat for the kids

There is more to this and I'm sorry you are in this position he has all the facts and you are in the dark really. You need him to be totally honest. Perhaps ask him to leave while he considers the truth. I know you will say that you don't want your dd's disrupted but him being out of the house can be explained - the atmosphere him being in the house is much harder to explain

Your not actually reacting at all are you? So no, your not over reacting.

I'm sure he is feeling really guilty about what happened but you have not said anything like "He's on the sofa" "He's kipping on a mates floor"
I think you need to take some action here because it looks like he is getting away scott free, unless you come back and tell us otherwise.

I'd take the LTB, chuck him out, deal breaker comments with a pinch of salt. This sort of thing is an emotive subject.

I'd be surprised, after having described your relationship of 19 years if your not both able to sort this out.

Please take some things from what others have said though;
Talk!
Is this the first time?
Why did he do it in the first place
Why did he take it upon himself for visit after a cancelled night out.
Get yourself down the clinic

Quiz him, interrogate him. You need answers. Don't just sweep it under the carpet because that's what WILL ruin your relationship of 19 years. Get it all out in the open and deal with it!

My first inclination is to make it through this. Not for religious reasons though.

But two things have struck me from this thread that I hadn't thought of before:

• was this really the first time. I accepted his story, and I know absolutely nothing about strip clubs. I don't know if you can get blow jobs as standard or what. He could tell me they give you a menu with sex acts for you to order and I'd believe it, I have no idea how they work.
• no, I didn't suspect anything until he told me. Nothing at all. Stupid aren't I.

It's type 1 fwiw. He found that out on Monday when blood tests came back. I googled what that meant and that's how I found out he'd had a BJ. Until then I thought it was because they had each touched the others genitals and passed it like that. Stupid again.

For a woman with a responsible, professional job I really am pretty stupid overall.

DH goes on business to the Middle East a lot. He usually stays in his hotel or goes out for a meal in the evening. Some clients once insisted they go to a strip joint. He said it was the most sordid, dreadful experience. He left after one drink, and left them to it, despite being clients. He also told me immediately afterwards. He was really upset by the experience I recall.

You do not have to decide what path to take today. Or tomorrow, or next month. You have had a hell of a shock. You can tell him to move out for a few days, or a few months, or indefinitely, while you decide what is the best way to move forward. He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness and willing to do whatever you ask, and answer whatever questions you ask, to try to restore some kind of trust in him.

STI clinic visits are rarely a barrel of laughs, but you absolutely must go. Even if you haven't had sex with him since he became infected (and it is possible he has been carrying the virus for years and only just had a break out), herpes is highly contagious.

Fugget - my mum is a divorced Catholic.

Op. Your last post said he is a good man. I struggle to see how someone who thinks it's OK to both cheat on his wife and pay for sex is a good person.

was this really the first time. I accepted his story, and I know absolutely nothing about strip clubs. I don't know if you can get blow jobs as standard or what. He could tell me they give you a menu with sex acts for you to order and I'd believe it, I have no idea how they work.

I don't know. But I doubt that's how they work as isn't that illegal? They'd all be shut down if it was that obvious surely? If anyone knows the truth I'm happy to be corrected.

no, I didn't suspect anything until he told me. Nothing at all. Stupid aren't I.

You're not stupid op. He's a good liar obviously.

I'm afraid I agree that the chances of this being the first time he's cheated on you are very low.

Did you have a feeling on that night that things were wrong? Before he would have shown symptoms, did you have any inkling that he was behaving differently? If not then this is most likely normal to him, and you're only hearing about this time because he needs to explain the STD.

I'm sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear. He may be lovely in terms of helping your family, but that doesn't give him free license to cheat. Whether you see this as better or worse than an 'affair' is a personal thing, but it is definitely cheating and you are definitely not overreacting.

It's just vile and disgusting. There is clearly a lot more to this then what he's told you. He's either being seeing prostitutes or having an affair, that's my guess.

You should make him goto confession and shame himself then LTB. I never ever say LTB either but this is a no brainer. I mean no cheating can be excused but I can sort of see how it may come about if a relationship is on the rocks and flattering attention elsewhere is added to the mix. But you described the perfect life and he's thrown it all away....

Cross post. So he didn't even tell you it was a blow job? He's a good liar, isn't he?

You are not stupid no.

Strippers in clubs are not allowed to offer sexual activity. Some strippers still do with varying levels of awareness/pressure/tacit agreement from the management.

It means it is less likely he ended up paying for sexual activity if it was a strip club because he would usually have needed to specifically ask and take the risk of getting kicked out so would likely have needed to know this was a club where he could get that too before he went there IMO.

If he was not acting out of the ordinary after the 'incident' and during finding out and being tested then IMO that points to him being a total liar who is skilled at hiding himself from you.

It does not make you stupid. It makes him a twat. It means you may not really know him well at all but it definitely does not make you stupid.

So you googled on Monday to find out he had a blow-job. So he didn't admit to this during his confession on Sunday...

Sounds like he has minimised what he has been up to and there's more info to come out.

I mean it means he is less likely to just have fallen into is without thinking it through.