Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

You are not over reacting but no good will come from taking advice to ltb from a long list of Mumsnetters that you don't know and who don't know you.

Only you can decide if you believe it was a one off blow job plus touching and if you want to work through this and stay together. There is no 'answer' that we can all give you on here. Some men are sleezy dickheads who cheat and lie, some men make geniune mistakes and are sorry and will never do it again. We all have temptation in our lives and sexual temptation is a frequent stumbling block for most of us be it one off sexual acts or just lusting after someone who crosses our paths in lives. You need to decide for yourself if you want to stay with him and ultimately forgive him. Forgiveness is not something that will happen quickly but if you know him, love him and believe him that he won't do this again then it will come in time.

I'm not telling you to stay with him or leave him but only you know him. It's your life and your future. You can't be swayed by a long list of women who don't know you saying leave because that is what they would do.

I really hope you come through this horrid situation with a solution you are happy with.

You are not stupid in any way shape or form. Stop. Now. You trusted someone and had no reason not to trust him. End of.

The fact that he didn't reveal he had had a BJ isn't good is it?

Oh OP. I am not getting anything done thinking of you

its not stupid to trust your husband

Ah love
I really don't believe it was the first time. Men who have been to strip clubs tend to describe it as a weird, silly experience, they tend to feel a bit uncomfortable at first. I can't imagine a man going in to a strip club for the first time and paying for a sex act!
So that's probably lie #1. Then he didn't tell you about the blow job until you found proof - lie #2.
'It was just a blow job' - also unlikely to be true, though if it is true, doesn't make it less bad than sex.
'It was out of character' - no, he did it, so it was in character. Sorry

If you're leaning towards giving him another chance, think about having to go into your future dating life knowing you might be carrying herpes.

It doesn't always show symptoms, and if it isn't showing symptoms you can't definitively test positive. I dated someone who had to tell me he might have herpes. A previous partner of his had had it. Unfortunately it held me back from continuing exploring a relationship with him because I didn't want to find myself having that same conversation with future partners if it didn't work out (and I wasn't keen enough on him to risk it).

I also notice that you're minimising it as bezing 'just a strip club' - I wonder whether he picked the strip club blow job as a cover story that he thought you would believe/be less likely to be angry about?

Firstly you are not stupid, your husband is just a good liar. This is his bad, not yours.

Secondly YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU have done nothing wrong. HE has. HE has tarnished your relationship, memories etc.

I too am catholic but that wouldn't make a difference in my decision tbh. For me I would be questioning his fidelity over our time together, whether I could live with this secret, whether I could forgive and move on or would it always be with me and would I be reminded of it every time we were intimate (if ever again).

Yes, my poor friend caught herpes from a BF who had cheated with prostitutes and has had to tell all her partners since (not nice) and had to have some pretty unpleasant treatment too.

You could ask him which club and go and check the menu...

I can understand that you resent having to go to a clinic you wouldn't normally use for something you didn't do. I get that, completely.

I'm your position I would get angry and go to the GP instead. I would tell the GP that I want tests done because my husband had picked up an incurable STI when he was paying for sex.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about in this OP but you do need to look after your own health.

Op, why did you Google on Monday? Did he not 'admit' this bj on Sunday?

I could possibly make it through cheating. I couldn't deal with repeated lies.

In most cases, the GP would simply give you the number for a clinic

I second what's been said that you are most definitely not over reacting.

I agree with offred wrt the chances that this is the first time he went to a strip club and received oral sex just on the off chance are very slim. He's also been very adept at concealing himself and carrying on as normal. Sorry you're going through this but I think there's much more to this.

Definitely under-reacting.

Your H visited a prositute. The type of virus doesn't mean it wasn't passed on genitally, you can get either from genitals or face. He supposedly did it on a whim (I don't know about you, but if I decided to pay for sex on a whim, on a drunken night out, I wouldn't know where to go). He kept it a secret. He visit a doctor in secret.

Would he have had unprotected sex with you if he hadn't had any symptoms? Yes. He would, wouldn't he. He endangered your health (possibly not for the first time).

It would be so much easier to forgive a drunken one night stand, than a pre-meditated decision to pay a prostitute, and have unprotected sex (oral or otherwise) with her.

I couldn't forgive this.

How would you ever trust him again? He lied calmly and coolly and you didn't guess a thing was wrong. He wasn't honest because he wanted you to know the truth, not because of guilt and heartache, but because it was that or let you find out when your own blisters erupted :(

It's the shit coffee analogy. If I made you the most amazing mug of coffee ever made, then added a teaspoon of shit, would you drink it? Because I can't see how him being amazing in other ways, will ever mend what he has broken.

Not helpful perhaps but it seems to me it was more likely to have been a massage parlour and he may also be a regular client. But he thought a strip club sounded less sordid and is hence minimising. All the more reason for an STI check, I'm afraid. So sorry you're going through this.

You are under reacting and he is a liar

This has several deal breakers for me.

Agree with PP it is most unlikely, assuming you are in UK, to have been a strip club. He has been having sex with other women/affairs or paying for prostitutes.

I cannot imagine any situation in which I would accept this behaviour, but you have your own decision to make. If you do continue the relationship though, you will have taught him that it is fine to have sex with other women and expose you to disease, and you will accept it.

What advice would you be giving your own daughters?

Oh OP my heart goes out to you.
You are NOT overreacting, like many on here id be furious in your shoes.

I have no issue with strip clubs in general when its literally just stripping on a stage. Ive been to stringfellows myself on a big night out with other half and friends and it didnt bother me in the slightest, and i dont care if DP goes to one either on a lads night - if hes watching the stripping and thats it.
BUT a BJ is a totally different ball game, hes paid someone for a sexual act, cheated on you (sorry in my book any form of sexual acts with another person is cheating) and then kept it secret until he had no choice due to an STI! you wont ever know if this is the first time or not and that will niggle on your mind forever now. Only you know if you can get past this, but someone in a committed happy relationship should not be going out and paying a stranger to give him a blow job. End of.
Ask him how he would feel if you came home and said youd been out and paid some guy to do something sexual to you? The caught something! Would he chalk it up to a 'girls night out' and be fine with it?!!!

So this man, for whom it is "totally out of character" to go to a strip club, just happened to pass one when his supposed night out fell through, just happened to go in, by himself, for the first time ever.

While in this completely unfamiliar environment on his own he managed to procure not just a private booth and a private dance, but to convince a dancer to fellate him for money, even though that is not an advertised service in any strip club.

None of that stacks up. None of it.

He is lying to you. He has been for years.

You don't know his character at all.

One of the biggest reasons I could never forgive him OP is he chose to use a women for sex.

I know there are some women that choose to have sex for money but they are very few and far between and if it is a choice a women or a man has made to have sex for money then I would never judge them!
But there's no way of him knowing though if that poor women has been forced into it,anything could be happening to her for all your husband knows and that there I couldn't forgive!

Yes, lies wrapped in more lies.

We are a long list of mumsnetting women who do not know you, true, but that doesn't mean we don't have your best interests at heart.

If you can work through this then that is entirely your choice. I think we are just outraged on your behalf and saying what we would be doing in that situation. So that you can gauge an answer to the question if whether you are 'over-reacting' We are not commanding you to ltb. Only you can ultimately decide what you do, but I think all of us here would absolutely indefinitely urge you to get the full truth before you make that decision. You can't decide your future based on lies.

Once again, so sorry you are dealing with this x

I think you are under reacting.
I'll eat my hat if this was his first ever visit to such a place.

He really is unlucky isn't he? To get an std the very first time he does something like this?

I'm being sarky obviously. He has had to tell you this time, that's the only reason you know. I would bet my house that this is a regular thing.

Of course, there's no point asking about the club as he could just tell you one he knows matches his story. Because the sad truth is that, as previous posters have said, he probably has a lot more familiarity with such places than he'd like you to believe.

We don't know. We don't know him. But you know, and you have some crapoy decisions to make :(

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think he needs to be honest with you. This blow job strip club one-off tale is highly improbable. Which means the truth could be anything - a full-blown affair, shagging strangers, many visits to prostitutes...