Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

Ugh this is a grim and disgusting thing to have done, and that's what he's admitting to – this is the best spin he can put on it. If he found he has herpes and has to tell you, it's possible (probably likely) he has been up to a lot more than this, but this was the most "minimised" version he could come up with.

The "oh I just happened to stumble into a brothel on the way home" – I bet he's making out this is out of character and "just happened", and that's ultimately to try to make you let it go.

In fact, he could have been doing this repeatedly, he could have had serial affairs or have been using prostitutes. He's telling you what he thinks he can get away with.

However even what he's telling you amounts to cheating. You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to ask him to go, temporarily or permanently, if you want to. Please don't let him be the one to decide how serious this is.

Sorry you've had such a shock.

spiny I agree. This disgusting man would NEVER be in my house or bed ever again.

The whole thing is bad enough, and it's all premeditated. It's not just a drunken fumble (which would be bad enough). It's all thought through.

I could never look at him again. Let alone let him touch me.

Condoms don't offer protection from herpes.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Genital-herpes/Pages/Introduction.aspx

So sorry OP.

It is entirely up to you what you want to do next.

To answer your question - no, you are not overreacting. You would not be overreacting to divorce him.

I would be checking his phone and computer to see if he's been visiting escorts tbh

Good grief.
No way are you over reacting.
His bags would be packed and he'd be out the fucking door if he was my 'D'H.
This will absolutely NOT be a one off.
It's making my skin crawl thinking about my OH doing this.

You need some space away from this pig.
You need to let this sink in properly.
Right now you will be in shock which is why you are currently totally UNDER REACTING
Get some RL support around you. When reality sinks in you are going to need people to help you get through this.
What a wanker he is.

I seriously doubt he fell into a strip bar, he is making it sound like some sort of accident that just happened to him!

I would be really concerned that he got the herpes ages ago and is just using that convenient date because you haven't had sex whilst you had all those visitors? Or has he still been having sex with you after having sexual contact with a sex worker?

I would LTB. You aren't overreacting you are underreacting.

And yes, STD check asap.

needastrongone

He needed to tell OP because of the herpes.

Either

a) he had to explain why he's been dodging sex

or

b) he had to explain why she's about to test positive/break out with symptoms.

Otherwise he would not have breathed a word.

No, not overreacting. Even if, for some random reason (giant hailstones/lightning storm etc) my DH had to shelter in a strip club, the leap from that to having a blow job wouldn't be acceptable. It would be game over for our marriage. It's inexcusable. It's not 'just something men do' - that insults the many, many men out there who wouldn't dream of buying sex off a stranger, or cheating on their wife. I'm sad for you that you'll have to deal with his consequences, it's a shit situation.

I'm sorry but I doubt very much his story is true. He's told you this version as he HAD to admit to sexual contact because of the Herpes. So he came up with one-off stripper/blow job.
It's likely it was full sex and not the first time. He's just been forced to tell you.
If you have a good relationship as you say look him in the eye tell him you don't believe his story you want the truth, all of it now. Only with all the facts can you decide whether you will let him stay.
Re 'overreacting' jeez woman!! I'm not even one of those posters who is vehemently anti porn or strip clubs but if my dh did this I'd be devastated. Like, world turned on its axis devastated. He's had sex with another woman how on EARTH can you be overreacting?

Apologies, I dreamed I read it was treated. No bloody idea where I got that from, sorry OP.

The excuse for going to a strip bar is extremely weak, you go home if a friend doesn't show up - or to a bar for a quick drink or something.
How has he made that leap from friend not showing up to paying for sex for the first time?

op this is a huge shock for you, he'd be out on his ear if it were me

Do you think he would have told you if he hadn't have caught herpes?

You are under reacting if anything, I'd be fucking fuming and kicked his arse out by now, and got an STI check. I bet he's minimising too.

I don't believe the 'strip club' scenario either. He's been having an affair or seeing sex workers and having sex without a condom.

You are not over reacting, in fact I think you are being most genial about this, probably as a result of the shock.

and I hope you make it very clear his behaviour is totally unacceptable and that you are angry.

One of my friends found out that her DH had been given a BJ by one of their mutual 'friends'. He swore it was a one-off.

She quietly gathered all his passwords for all his email accounts and Facebook. It turned out he'd been sexting dozens of women, had slept with several people she knew and had paid dozens of prostitutes for sex.

Perhaps because of holding her hand over the last year, I would be very skeptical that this was the first or only time this had happened. Sorry, OP. It's absolutely shit behaviour, and there is no way in hell you should be having to deal with this in a marriage.

My friend chose to stay with this bloke, and I have to accept her choice. I have no doubt he is still up to the old games, and that he will claim, when confronted in future, that she tacitly accepted it because she stayed. All I can do is watch helplessly from the sidelines as she settles for far less than she deserves in her marriage. I would urge you not to make the same decision, though in doing so I'm aware how much easier it is flippantly to say 'leave the bastard' than it is in real life. It's a question of short term agony for long term happiness, really. I hope you can find the courage to make the leap.

Jesus, no you are not overreacting!

And I don't believe for a second this is out of character, it is highly unlikely that he went to a strip club for the first time, on his own, paid for a blow job and caught herpes...

I think it is way more likely he is a regular visitor and has paid for sex/BJ before, actually paid for full sex this time and has only told you this guff because he has caught an STI.

That should say 'I'm aware how much easier it is flippantly to say 'leave the bastard' than it is TO DO IT in real life.' Don't know where half that sentence vanished to!

Did you notice anything off with him leading up to 23rd Dec? If it was his first outbreak he'd be pretty dawned uncomfortable I'd have thought and quite hard to hide from you.
Do you happen to know whether he's been diagnosed with HSV 1 or 2? I'm not sure whether they'd differentiate or just diagnose genital herpes. HSV 2 is more likely from sex than a cold sore or though not impossible.

I'd also question the likelihood of this being a one off and the first time.

OP, he's faithless and infected. Get yourself checked out and divorce him.

And yes if deep down you don't think he will tell the truth or you won't 100% know if it's the truth - snoop. Check all his messages and web pages and social media.

Not over reacting at all OP

As others have said this is unlikely to be the first time he's done this. Just the first time he has caught something and been forced to tell you.

What you do now is up to you but for me the fact that he did what he did, the decisions he made would be unforgivable.

I feel for you, you have an amazing life and this has placed it under the microscope.

If this was a one off incident and you are confident of that fact, I think I would stay in the marriage.

If you do stay ensure you both address the reason he felt the need to stray. That's important.

Thank you. I needed to hear that I wasn't wrong to feel sick, like I want to vomit.

We haven't had sex since. I was lucky - had my period shortly after his night out. Then he had the first signs and so decided to avoid sex and of course completely avoided it once he knew. I thought it was odd we'd done nothing for so long but put it down to the house being full of guests - ie put off by having his mother in the spare room next door.

I dont know what to do next. I haven't been to the STI clinic but will. I REALLY resent it though. I don't want to make up some bullshit excuse for leaving work, then have blood tests and perhaps intimate exams for something I didn't do!!!!

I think paying for sex is despicable. He knows that. My views are quite forthright. He had 2 daughters FFS! I've said how could he, and think of someone doing that with his girls.

I don't know where we go next. This is the man I love. He's the father of my children. He's good person, he bailed out my parents years ago when my fathers business failed and the first my mother knew was when the bailiffs came knocking. He used all his savings without a word to save them. But this is so ugly. So ugly. And so hurtful. He says it was not because I didn't give him enough sex at home, that it was a stupid impulsive decision.

I have said "would you have told me if you hadn't been caught?" And I've asked him to see someone to talk through that part. And I've pointed out that he's broken his marriage vows. We're catholic FFS! Our DD is making her first confession next week and I'm helping her, giving examples like being nasty to her sister or not listening to mummy and all the while thinking "and there's daddy who paid a stranger to perform a sex act on him". It's just awful.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Thank you for letting me know I'm not being a massive prude, and that this is 100% wrong.

I'm struggling with how he found he had herpes and got it diagnosed all so quickly - the story doesn't ring true....

www.webmd.boots.com/sexual-conditions/guide/genital-herpes-symptoms

Sometimes forgiveness is the best form of self interest

Btw I'm so sorry he's done this to you and I know all these posts will be tremendously hard to read - overwhelming even. But sometimes you need a metaphorical slap to stir you out of your shock and inertia. Get ANGRY. How dare he do this?