Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

I suppose if you catch it and your in a loving relationship and didn't realise you had it and could pass it on. Well that's one thing.
But wow, to be married all those years and to contract it then? No that's a deal breaker for me.
If you choose to believe this is a one off, which I wouldn't believe it was, but regardless, he shown little to no regard for your feelings or sexy all health. Surely your husband is supposed to protect you and care for you?
To have my husband actually put my health at risk for the sake of a bit of fun would break my heart. I'd feel very unimportant in his eyes.

Op I understand you love your husband and you sound so committed and loyal. I think you deserve a better path in life

Thanks Sophia.

It's probably irrelevant but when I read your post about the male and female colleagues, and her 'big news', my first thought was 'who is the father?' It's probably her own partner or someone unrelated to the situation but it kind of jumped out that he told you this little bit of info, if it's not significant to him or you.

I don't want to make you see everyone he knows as a potential suspect, but the whole set up sounds a bit strange - she's single presumably, to be out with two male colleagues? Of course it might make perfect sense IRL but it just strikes me as unusual.

Wrong thread?!

Why, as you are a Catholic, you will probably already be thinking about seeing your priest, or perhaps a deacon if there's one around. May I reassure you that my experience with the Jesuits, at any rate, is that no matter whether they seem very elderly and set in their ways, it's highly unlikely that they haven't come across similar aituations before, and can still be pretty wise in their counsel. You won't be excommunicated if you can't continue your marriage, nor if you can. I don't know if your priest would be someone you would think of speaking to about this or not, but if you're put off - like your dh was - then don't be.

Incidentally, I think your dh going to a minister was rather cowardly. Does he go to Confession?