Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

You would have to take great care to ensure your daughters don't use the same towels as he does, for the rest of your life
^^ THIS is a scary thought indeed.
But you won't have to take great care if he isn't the same house as them!

Soeverybodydance - you think a 'reduced marriage' doesn't affect DC?

You are not over reacting, I would be furious if my DP did this, absolutely raging. I would certainly not entertain sleeping with him ever again. It would be the end for me, I could never forgive or forget and I'd be constantly worried about him going to a strip club and the same thing happening again.

I'm so sorry, I hope you can figure something out for yourself.

I also think this is his way of "telling" you he's having an affair. He's hedging his bets. Hoping you will kick him out.

i dont believe he even went to a strip bar.....hes had a month to think that one up....affair, one night stand or even a prostitute i reckon....i surprised he didnt use the dirty toilet seat story!

get rid!

OP you need to find out exactly which strip bar he went to and do some research on it. You're not allowed to touch the girls at a strip place, they're strippers not prostitutes. His story is bollocks.

Yes, his story of touching and being touched by a stripper is just clearly and obviously a stupid, stupid lie.

Who knows what the truth actually is.

Hellsbells But the children will be going to his house, if they do separate.

No, you're not overreacting, it's horrible. He went at the beginning of December - he has only told you because he's been caught - it's not like he woke up the next day wracked with guilt and told you. Would he have told you if he hadn't have been diagnosed with herpes? Or would it have become a regular thing, has it been a regular thing?

I really feel for you. I think I'm roughly the same age, have been with my husband the same amount of time, am the same religion, I've primary school aged daughters. There's no point in talking about what I would do if it were my husband - you need to think about you now. I'm really sorry, it is a betrayal, it's a betrayal of your trust, respect, life together, everything you thought was safe.

Yes and they take a packed bag with their own towels in and learn that they never use their dads and probably the reason why.
God it's a mess isn't it?!

Sorry, that should read, he's hoping you will kick him out, saves him having to admit to the affair.

Op there is no need for you to make any decision in a hurry, there isn't a time limit. You take your time and neither is there any reason to outwardly react if that isn't in your make-up.

There are plenty of shouts from people to KHO, but its easy for them on the outside.

You may wish to KHO, but that might be further down the road or tomorrow.

You might want time to digest what has happened and what the consequences are with this whole situation.

You must though put yourself first and foremost, your dds ned a mum that is looking after herself foremost.

How on earth can you go from strip clubs not being your thing, to visiting one for supposedly the first time and paying for someone to perform a sex act on you? What are his excuses/ justifications for such behaviour and for keeping quiet for so long?

I'm sorry OP but I think you should be prepared for your nice guy H to be anything but... There's obviously a side to your H's character that you're only beginning to learn about and therefore it's far too early to dismiss this as 'being out of character'.

The whole matter of fact ness of his admission sounds suss, your H cheated on you and is trying to present it as an unfortunate incident rather, than the premeditated decision to get immediate sexual gratification.

It's very worrying that you think your feelings could be interpreted as unreasonable? What is a 'reasonable' response to be told that you've been cheated on? Get a STD and get in touch with your hurt, don't avoid or suppress it. I understand the temptation to 'get over it' manipulated into STFU but therein lies a world of hurt for you.

Do you believe it was his first time?
Would you stay with him if it was?
If it was more and he told you everything would you stay?

I think you need to work out what he needs to do for you to stay with him or if you want to separate then you don't have to justify it. Maybe him leaving the family home for a while might focus his mind but really it is your mind that needs focusing regarding your marriage. You already know how to be a faithful married wife..

It is a mess. I shall be sending a towel with my son when he goes to his dad's in the future. I've learn't a lot in this thread. (Though to be honest, I think his dad is careful with regard to cross infection). This thread has a lot of resonance with me.

It's highly unlikely you would catch herpes from a towel. Would have to be a damp towel that was shared immediately and both people had used to wipe mucous membranes.

I'd be more worried about having sex with him and the effect of his beliefs on the DC - he clearly thinks it is ok to cheat, he may well think using women for paid for sex is ok, he thinks it is ok to lie about who he is to people who love him. He's a fuck up, you can't change him but you can teach your DC that his beliefs and behaviours are not something women have to put up with from men.

Aside from the lying, he has contracted a incurable STD.

How on earth can you stay together?

One of my dearest friends was a lapdancer in her twenties. Not something we discuss as I feel they are exploitative but please understand that the women who work in reputable strip clubs in cities are not hookers. Inappropriate touching results in customers being ejected and the dancers often tip security guards themselves, so important is that job to them.

Your husband visited a brothel. Prostitutes, not strippers. Big difference.

I thought about counselling. But I will punch the first person who suggests I am partly at fault here (eg says I didn't give him enough so he was tempted to play away) so I'm really not sure it's a good idea. Basically he has lost his moral compass, and I can't find it for him. That's up to him.

Thank you for all your views. There is a lot for me to think about, and I am still just getting over the shock of it I think. I am not someone who leaps into things - takes me a while to think and decide.

No one in RL knows. I don't have a close female friend I'd feel ok talking to about this. About the only one I've thought of talking to is my brother. But I'm still struggling to say "herpes" and "blow job" out loud. I want to talk to my mother more than anything but she died 2 years ago so that's out. Right now I feel almost as bad as I did when she died.

But thank you for saying I'm not over reacting. I wanted that straight in my head. Yes, I probably am under reacting right now but I need to sort out how I feel before I act.

I think you know that he's not telling you the truth . Do you want to find out ? Has he offered you full access to his phone, Lap top, bank statements etc ?

Does his lifestyle give him a lot of opportunities to cheat ?

Think the biggest message from all the comments here is it is not your fault in any way.

Op,

I am a sexual health worker if you want to PM me.

Generally, though not always, herpes takes 1-2 weeks for the first outbreak to appear. Therefore it's unlikely (though not impossible) that the time he contracted herpes is the time he says he contracted it. It would just seem unusual for me that he would have symptoms, immediately recognize them as herpes, get to a clinic, get a result, and wait on the information all in that short period of time. It's not impossible though.

It is possible to transmit type 1 from the oral region to the genital region, so it may well be true that this is how he caught it. It's equally likely that he had sex using a condom, but because the condom doesn't always protect against the skin to skin contact that herpes needs in order to be transmitted, he could have caught it through having sex (either affair or escort).

Generally, you would be surprised to know, strip clubs and brothels in the UK enforce regular testing... This means that it's unlikely the strip club story is true.

My guess, knowing what I know, is that he either uses escorts or is having an affair.

You seem remarkably come and willing to overlook this. That would not be my response, and I would urge you to really look deep to ask yourself why you aren't even considering a break to get your thoughts straight.

It's likely be isn't being completely honest and don't let your belief that you are "stupid" provide an wxcuse for not digging deeper on this one.

YOU are minimising, HE is minimising. If he's been straying, he's highly likely to have been having sex. Even though you've not had sex with him since you MUST get a STD check. He could've passed something onto you before this. Some STD's don't show symptoms, he could well have passed chlamydia or something onto you-nasty.
So many people visit sexual health clinics, they have them at hospitals, don't be ashamed, it needs to be done.
I would get rid of this low life.