Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

If you come back to the post OP, I just want to wish you well for whatever you decide.

Don't rush into a decision of what to do. Take your time and think about it in your time.

Whether you decide to ask him to leave, or to try to work through this, is up to you.

The time isn't right now to make the decisions you need to. You are in shock (rightfully so), and yes, your body is taking the toll too. You need to sleep and you need to eat. I am sure that these two things have been hard to do..... I know I have been there. So you take advice as you want to, and overlook some of it which really isn't all that important to you.

Best of luck OP.

JohnThomas69 Ho ho ho at your hilarious name, I fear my sides shall split

Actually OP has said she doesn't believe him either.

Wherever he waggled his dick it likely wasn't a strip joint, and while it's possible to transmit STIs via oral it's much more likely that it came from full sex.

I simply don't believe that the first and only time he ever cheated he happened to pick up an STI. It's a very common lie for men who get caught out with STIs.

At this point my line would be: your story is a lie and unless you come clean the marriage is over.

Actually OP has said she doesn't believe him either.

Did she?

Last post I saw from her was .... "I don't think he's a regular visitor to lap bars but I also don't think he was entirely unaware of what he was signed up for that night"

From the words she uses it sounds like she half believes him to me?

Doesn't think he's a 'regular visitor' to er 'lap bars'?

Doesn't think he was 'entirely unaware'? To even think he was a fraction 'unaware' of what he was doing (paying a sex worker money, enjoying the service she provided) suggests to me that some of his bullshit story has worked.

Sorry if I'm wrong. I was basing that on these posts by OP:

I know I said I'd leave this, but Bathtime "what, he thought it came with chips" has really made me laugh.

And you're right, I don't believe it.

But I now realise that bit may refer just to his specific description of arranging the BJ, rather than the whole story.

And:

the likelihood of him walking into a lap bar and getting a BJ are about the same as me walking onto a golf course today and hitting a hole in one. A remote possibility. He needs to convince me otherwise.

Which suggested to me OP does realise the story is incredibly unlikely – but she may not be quite at the point of definitely not believing it.

Op doesn't believe. No sane and rational person would.

But for the moment she is choosing to go with it. Which is not the same as believing, no matter what you tell yourself

AF is spot on. I've done it too. I chose to believe a crock of shit because the alternative was too scary and difficult. But it wasn't real belief and it unravelled pretty quickly

"the first hurdle is Friday when I get the results of the STI tests. If anything comes back positive he will be out immediately."

So...
Paying for sex and giving wife STI = marriage over
Paying for sex and getting an STI but not giving it to wife = what? Second chance?

Really weird logic. The STI isn't the main problem here.

I think her login lies in that if she has contracted the STI, he must have been at it for a while and would therefore be out the door. But if she hasn't, perhaps he's telling the truth that this was a one off and perhaps she can deal with it.

I don't think we should give OP a hard time. It's only just hit her and it can take time to decide how to react and even how you feel.

I don't recommend this but I'd be tempted to call his bluff by saying I'd tested positive for a different STI and where's it come from?

He's such a big fat liar.

I think OP is in shock / denial she's bound to feel disoriented

Oh dear. You think you can handle this but soon you'll be questioning your whole marriage. When was he working late? Nipped out and came home ages later? Your gut instinct will start to bring up moments when you just knew something wasn't right.
He should go now. He's obviously an experienced user. You are in denial at the moment because you cant comprehend the seediness of his actions.
He's not a silly billy he's someone you naively or ignorantly don't know. There was no marriage.
He's pulling the wool over your eyes and at the moment its the easiest thing to accept it.
Really you should tell him to leave for you're own good. Otherwise this will eat you up.
He's not telling you the truth. Have you checked bank records and phone bills or email accounts? Here you will unravel the truth.

I am a religious person, but I also believe people don't change simply by willing themselves too. People change either through experiencing consequences of their actions, whether positive or negative, and by gaining insight into WHY they behave the way they do. My hope for you and your DH is that if he chooses to seek a spiritually-based confidant regarding his actions, that he picks someone who accepts some of the basic tenets of psychology.

I think one thing on which most ministers and secular therapists would agree is that there's a big difference between being genuinely sorry and being sorry because you got caught.

*willing themselves TO. DYAC.

Sorry to derail again, but had to correct some misconceptions. If someone has HSV genitally, they are not going to transmit it by kissing anyone. It's very unlikely for someone to have HSV 1 in both locations as having it one generally gives you immunity against the other. So people who have cold sores are very unlikely to get genital HSV-1. Also quite shocked by amount of stigma around Herpes on this thread, so thanks to those of you who have addressed that. HSV-1 also doesn't tend to be spread through genital contact so if that is what he has, it's most likely he got it from a blow job.

Sophia, I've always been told that if you have an active cold sore you can infect your own eyes or genitals. A quick Google suggests that is the case. Do you know this to be untrue?

Can you really get herpes from receiving a blow job? I'm sure yiu can by giving one but never heard of this!

Yes you can. It is perfectly possible to get herpes by receiving oral sex. The person giving oral sex would Have the feeling having an active outbreak.

One of the saddest aspects of this thread is the ignorance and prejudice displayed about herpes

You can get herpes from receiving oral sex. The question is whether you would get oral sex in a lap dancing club.........

Gobbolino6 - it can happen, but I'm pretty sure it's only if either the cold sore is a new infection (acquired in the last few months), so your body hasn't built up immunity, or you are somehow immune-compromised. If you have already been exposed and built up immunity, you can't be 're-infected', but you could get infected at the same time in multiple areas. I used to have really bad hypochondria around STIs, so did a lot of research about it. I wouldn't want to say it was impossible - just incredibly unlikely. I guess it's a plus side to having cold sores that you are mostly likely immune to getting HSV1 genitally. I think it makes you less likely to get HSV2 but not to the same degree.

Not sure if you'll still be reading this thread as you've said you're not going to post anymore but just wanted to wish you well. I don't know how I'd react in this situation, it's easy to say you'd do X and y but must be much harder when it's actually happening to you.

I used to get coldsores - I still got genital herpes from oral sex, my partner was at the very start of a fever and some kind of coldsore but we didn't know. It is ridiculously easy to get.

The scaremongering, misinformation and shaming from folk earlier on this thread is crap and why folk are shamed into keeping it to themselves.