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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At what point do you confront.

181 replies

NothingisForgotten · 18/01/2016 17:36

I feel sick. Found some messages on H phone. Pretty over friendly with girl from work.Arranging to meet her on Wednesday. I'm shaking. He's in the other room. Not sure I can act normal.

OP posts:
OhShutUpThomas · 19/01/2016 11:39

Good luck with it OP Flowers

Jibberjabberjooo · 19/01/2016 11:49

I agree with Imperial, just confront him. If he can't do tomorrow he'll only change it to another day. It won't stop it.

Fidelia · 19/01/2016 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hedgehogsdontbite · 19/01/2016 12:20

I agree with those saying don't play games. Confront it head on and ask him what the hell he thinks he's playing at.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/01/2016 13:09

Absolutely brilliant post, Fidelia

LittleLegs25 · 19/01/2016 13:30

Flowers I have so much sympathy for you I bet your head is all over the place. You need to stand your ground and when you do confront him don't let him turn this round on you!!

  1. He wouldn't let you see the messages from her.... that is a MASSIVE red flag!! He's acting sneaky, suspicious and untrustworthy so OF COURSE you wanted to see what the messages were about!!

2)He's flirting with another woman, he will probably try and tell you he's "being friendly" .... if that was the case why hide the messages and why would she need to know his room number at 1am?!

  1. He might not have actually cheated (although I suspect he has), but its clear from what you have said its heading that way....

I think for your own sanity you need to confront him asap and be prepared for this to be the end of your relationship. Don't let him put any blame on you.... if he does then he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and is that really someone you want to be with? Good luck OP.

Original poster
NothingisForgotten · 19/01/2016 15:48

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I've got a big night ahead of me and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. I will try to update when I've processed everything. Thanks again.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2016 15:49

Fidelia, please will you post that on every thread where someone is wondering whether to sit tight and hope a cheating partner will somehow develop some respect for them

All that inaction gains you is further disrespect and contempt in the mind of the cheater. A literal green light to carry on or otherwise escalate the very behaviour you are trying to rationalise away by manpleasing and burying your head in the sand

Harsh but true

AnyFucker · 19/01/2016 15:50

Cross posted there. Good luck, love x

MiddleClassProblem · 19/01/2016 16:09

You can't predict these things entirely, even your own reactions but you will get through this and you will be ok

Goodbetterbest · 19/01/2016 16:19

Good luck OP.

Been there but was able to carry on as normal and gather evidence. (Not that I turfed him out until some years later). Eventually when a new situation came to light I was almost blasé about ending our marriage.

Do what feels right. I agree with the posters who say do this now, and I am really, really sorry.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 16:24

Best of luck. Gird your loins and stay focused.

Fidelia · 19/01/2016 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BolshierAryaStark · 19/01/2016 16:38

Fidelias post is spot on, read it again OP & best of luck for this evening.

KrakenAwakes · 19/01/2016 16:38

This happened to me on the 21st Dec.

Also 10 years together.

Massive handhold. Get screenshots/evidence.

mix56 · 19/01/2016 16:46

I would go in with both barrels,
Why would he even begin to consider IVF, making babies involves 2 parents who intend to love, respect & support each other.
This is all one sorry lie.

Jibberjabberjooo · 19/01/2016 16:52

He'll won't tell you the truth straight away, he'll lie and minimise it but you'll eventually find out, a bit like drip feeding.

He'll try and blame you for looking, but that hardly equates to planning on cheating so don't accept it. Be strong. Good luck.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/01/2016 17:08

Is there a way to find a second phone, that might be hidden in the house or car?

JohnLuther · 19/01/2016 17:15

Why would there be a second phone? Everything the OP has found is on his phone.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/01/2016 17:18

Also, some cheaters are very good at only answering the exact question you ask...then feigning misunderstanding later on

Oh, yes ... YES

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/01/2016 17:30

I wasn't asking about the OP. :)

Goodbetterbest · 19/01/2016 18:34

God yes write everything down!

It's hard to process everything and make sense of it. Write it down and look at it when the emotion has lifted. You will be able to go back to him with clarity and question it better.

They do appear to follow the same script sadly.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 19/01/2016 18:40

Thinking of you op, it's pretty clear somethings going on but I doubt he will easily admit it.

Fidelia · 19/01/2016 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jillyarmeen16 · 19/01/2016 20:43

Thank you for that post fidelia. Makes a lot of sense. I still don't know the truth. I've almost accepted that I never will. None of it matters, secret messages are over the line for me. It's the secrecy and deceit that is the ultimate betrayal.
Good luck op, stay strong, you are in shock right now, please get rl support if you can at all.x

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