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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At what point do you confront.

181 replies

NothingisForgotten · 18/01/2016 17:36

I feel sick. Found some messages on H phone. Pretty over friendly with girl from work.Arranging to meet her on Wednesday. I'm shaking. He's in the other room. Not sure I can act normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingisForgotten · 18/01/2016 23:42

I'm going to confront tomorrow. Don't think I'll be sleeping tonight.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/01/2016 23:45

You poor bloody thing Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/01/2016 23:45

I just never thought I would be the OP on one of these posts

I completely understand - I guess none of us do until it happens Sad

From what you've said it does seem unlikely you'll be able to keep the lid on this until Wednesday; also it's not as if that day's events will tell you anything you don't already know. Have you considered just bringing the whole thing forward to tomorrow instead?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/01/2016 23:46

Apologies, OP - I cross posted with you. FWIW I think you're doing the right thing about tomorrow ...

Ludoole · 18/01/2016 23:51

Oh love, im so sorry... awful position to be in. Just remember you've done nothing wrong. This is all his bloody fault! Flowers

Original poster
NothingisForgotten · 19/01/2016 00:16

I'm sitting on the couch rereading the screenshots. I hate him and I hate her for making me feel like this. Even if they haven't done anything physical he's having a secret relationship with someone else Sad

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2016 00:24

It's a really really horrible feeling. I really feel for you Thanks

Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL?

Original poster
NothingisForgotten · 19/01/2016 00:28

No. All my family live miles away. He is my best friend. I have friends but no one I could phone and stay with locally. And again if I talk about it it's real. I'm very good at putting things in "boxes" so they're not really happening. Can't sleep.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2016 00:31

I'll bet he is sleeping the sleep of the self satisfied deceiver.

I do hope you burst that bubble, OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2016 00:32

I really think you would find it helpful to talk to someone in RL. I could cry for you. I really could. I think you need to brace yourself for the fact that what you have found is just the tip of the iceberg. Sorry to say that to you but I think there is much much more to come

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 00:42

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I usually (if I can) give myself 24 hours before I do anything in a crisis. Just to have time to consider my options and think about how and what I want to say.

Whenever you talk to him, you need to remain calm. I know it's hard. But if you get overly emotional you'll find that he'll deflect the conversation into being about you being upset rather than the facts of the matter.

HooseRice · 19/01/2016 00:48

Sorry you are going through this. He is not your best friend, he's a poor excuse for a man.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2016 00:52

No he's not your best friend. Best friends don't lie and betray like this.

notapizzaeater · 19/01/2016 00:53

Agree he's not your best friend - best friends dint deceive

bb888 · 19/01/2016 04:37

Good luck for the confrontation. He isn't your best friend.

scarednoob · 19/01/2016 05:36

"when I choose my friends, I prefer the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep at night ".

I am glad you are thinking of talking to him tomorrow. Much better to be upfront rather than putting yourself through hell waiting to play games when you already have enough to raise the issue.

So so sorry he's done this to you, esp after making you move away from your friends and family and after you've been ill and are ttc. All I can say is, try and focus on what you want and what you will do next, and keep those firmly in mind when he starts with the flannel and denial. Hope you managed to rest if not to sleep.

Original poster
NothingisForgotten · 19/01/2016 07:50

Thanks everyone. Didn't really sleep and have sore head this morning.
I want to go home to my parents but don't want to worry them as they have health issues of their own.
Going to work today. Have run through various scenarios in my head, none end well. I really want a logical explanation but nothing can do that.

OP posts:
hollowlegs · 19/01/2016 08:09

Make a plan for the both of you for Wednesday (don't really, but he won't know that)
When you go home tonight, tell him about the plan
When you suggest it, his body language and how he answers you will tell you everything you need to know.

Also, if he says hes 'going to the gym' can you turn up at the gym, possibly with some fabricated excuse? Or do you belong to the same gym?
I understand you wanting a little bit more proof before confronting.

With what you have at the moment, it's to easy for him to weasel his way out of it and make excuses:

''Why were you telling her your room no. late at night?''
Him: ''We wanted to all go down to breakfast together''

''Why are you arranging to meet her on Wednesday?''
Him: ''She has a work problem that only I can help her with''

''Why have you never mentioned this person''
''I wasn't doing anything wrong so there was no need''

and then he will say:

''Why were you snooping on my phone'' and make out you're jealous and insecure and that you're the one with the problem.

If you get a little bit more proof he won't be able to worm his way out so easily.

hollowlegs · 19/01/2016 08:13

One other thing, he might have picked up on the fact you 'know something' - you say he kept asking if everything is alright.
This might cause him to scrap the meeting on Wednesday and make it for some other time (to be safe)
So if you find out 'Wednesday' isn't happening anymore doesn't mean to say there's nothing going on.

Of course, there is the possibility that he's doing nothing wrong and that I'm completely wrong. I hope I am.

But, I smell a rat. Hmm

ravenmum · 19/01/2016 08:24

Doesn't sound like it's all going to turn out fine to me either, Nothing, sorry.

It is a horrible shock to discover the person you confided in spreading personal information, and discovering he has this secret, seedy life.

If you can, read up on how cheaters "typically" act in this situation, so that you recognise the blame-shifting for what it is. It might help you see through some of the confusion (which he will use to his advantage).

These clever games aren't going to work out, though, as they would require you to be totally emotionless.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2016 08:28

Don't wait until Wednesday. He's already suspicious suspecting you know and probably cooking up a little tale to tell you.

Why would he need a reply after sending her his room number?

Stay strong.

Original poster
NothingisForgotten · 19/01/2016 08:31

I think that's it hollowlegs. There are excuses for each one just now. I may go home and say I have tomorrow off and see how it goes from there.
I'm in work now. Customer facing environment. So not in the mood Sad

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 19/01/2016 08:31

In theory if someone was actually going to the gym they could go at anytime so you could go in by asking to meet him for lunch and go to the gym later. If he won't budge or says he has a PT appointment then push for the truth

loveyoutothemoon · 19/01/2016 11:25

Just show him the screenshots, that's enough. There's no point delaying things.

ImperialBlether · 19/01/2016 11:31

Don't mess around with all these games. Sit down opposite him tonight and say "I know what's going on. I've got proof. Now go upstairs and pack a bag and get out."

You need to take control here. If he suspects you know about Wednesday, he'll just change it to Thursday. You won't win on that.

Show him you absolutely aren't going to be messed with.

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