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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to be upset and shocked by this??

270 replies

livingtowork · 09/01/2016 22:11

I'm staying at my boyfriend of 4 years and I've come on, I usually have more stuff with me but I wasn't expecting it until Monday so when he said he was popping to the shop to get sweets for his kids I asked if he could get me some tampons - he said he's never bought them in his life and never would - even for me!!! Its a crap area so he'd rather me walk myself to go and get them, his 12 yr old daughter said she would go with me but ffs, its tampons and this is the 21st century - I feel so sorry for his 2 daughters (although I am sure he would go and get what they needed!!) Feel like shit right now with a was of bog roll in my pants!!!! :-( :-(:-(

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 10/01/2016 01:00

Still think refusal to buy tampax etc doesn't make someone a horrible person.

Milk, when the person who needs the tampa is actually having a period and can't easily go out to buy them herself, I think actually it does make the person who refuses to buy a pretty horrible person.

Bogeyface · 10/01/2016 01:00

And thinking back, for a good few years she would have used washable sanpro, so he would have washed it for her too.

Bogeyface · 10/01/2016 01:02

Still think refusal to buy tampax etc doesn't make someone a horrible person.

Lets change "tampax" for Immodium.

Both are needed at short notice. Both mean that the person who needs them may not be able to leave the house long enough to buy them without having a flood/accident/leakage...call it what you will. Both can happen with no notice.

Still think that it would be ok to say "I am not getting that, its embarrassing, get them yourself"?

IAmNotDarling · 10/01/2016 01:05

I knew DH was a keeper when he used to let me put tampons in his pocket on nights out.

Now he'll put my mooncup away I I leave it out and we have unexpected visitors.

CrazyOldBagLady · 10/01/2016 02:23

I genuinely have no idea why someone who was going to the shops would refuse to buy tampons for someone who needed them. I can't imagine any man or woman I know objecting to this. He really does need to grow up. I second (third? fourth?) getting a taxi home tonight.

PinkPjamas · 10/01/2016 04:50

I think that's pathetic!

fidel1ne · 10/01/2016 05:26

Shock @ the 'My Dad's better than your Dad' antics. (Hopefully a side effect of Wine ? Confused )

BlueSmarties76 · 10/01/2016 05:47

If he is abusive it goes without saying that you need to dump him and leave. But before you do, make sure you bleed on:

His bedsheets after you've put the best ones on.
The duvet - it will be ruined.
The drivers car seat in his car
The sofa, which I hope is white
The carpet, in a really obvious place, yet too awkward a place to cover with a rug.
Maybe for variety, the kitchen / bathroom floor tiles in the hope that he falls over and gets a small yet profusely bleeding cut and then needs you to mop up his blood, which obviously you refuse to do.

(That was my revenge fantasy list btw)

BeverlyGoldberg · 10/01/2016 05:53

He's putting his own embarrassment/misogyny ahead of your safety. Dump him.

If I, DD, or anyone in our family needed something and my DH had the means to get it there would be no question about whether he would do it, and vice verse me for him. Being together is about looking out for each other. A decent man will want you to be comfortable and keep you safe.

There are good men out there - don't settle for this limp little man.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/01/2016 06:08

Wow milk that interlude about your dad was really weird

I've never asked my dad to buy me sanpro, or any of my many brothers. I know they would if I needed them though because they are people with a normal level of human decency. Refusing to buy sanpro for a female relative who is in need is a twatty act.

Dumdedumdedum · 10/01/2016 06:25

I'm nearly 60 now and still remember being very pleased when my "little" brother (now 56) kindly went to buy me Feminax and sanitary towels when I had an excruciatingly bad period when I was about 15. I thought at the time he would be a keeper for some lucky personGrin I can't remember having asked my father to do this for me but he was always good in a crisis so I think he probably would have done, without flinching. My husband's only issues were whether he would get the right product.
I think you've made the right decision, OP, good luck with blocking him out of your life and hugs to his daughters Flowers

thisismypassword · 10/01/2016 06:25

I don't ask mine because he wouldn't know which ones to get. He gets me liners though, but that's after 10 years together! Slow progress!!

thisismypassword · 10/01/2016 06:30

Can I just say that for everyone to freak out about this is very knee jerk. However after op's last comment it's clear that it's the straw that broke the camel etc.

If this was an isolated incident I don't think it'd be worth abandoning a long term relationship for!!!

Curlywurly4 · 10/01/2016 07:13

I think you have missed the point there a bit thisismy.

I had an ex freak out because I left some tampons in his bathroom once. We'd know each other a long, long time and I was a bit Hmm It was a definite red flag and looking back one of the (many) signs of his misogyny. The irony is he used to talk to me how about what a great a dad he make to our future daughters and was genuinely miffed when I pointed out the disparity.

DH on the other went to the shops in a flash for sanpro when I started to miscarrying on holiday. Despite feeling emotional himself, he just got on with it and put my needs first.

DanishBlue · 10/01/2016 07:32

DS 21 came back with few bits of Tesco shopping for supper for him and GF whilst she was here at home. The bag included a large box of Tampax, he never turned a hair. This is at the same Tesco he worked as for 3 years. No one cares, clearly he has put thousands of boxes through the checkouts in his time there.

wannabestressfree · 10/01/2016 07:32

To be fair my dad is a super twat at times and is super 'hard' aaaaannnndddd pretty smart.
Even he will buy sanitary products.
I do know generationally things change though. My Nan was with me at a relations when I had my first period and spent hours looking for a 'belt' to keep my pad in. My mum roared with laughter..... She used to refer to it as 'bad blood' and didn't want my grandad to see anything- I had to hide it.
She died last year aged 93 :(

Youarentkiddingme · 10/01/2016 07:57

I think the fact his 12yo DD will come with you has something in it. Maybe she's worried her dad won't do the same for her? A girl that age will be needing open advice on sanitary wear soon.

ive never worked out why some men are so 'afraid' or embarrassed about periods and sanitary wear - they seem to conveniently forget that without periods they wouldn't exist!

Concerned97 · 10/01/2016 08:28

So Milk, you are suggesting that it's "clever" men that would refuse to buy sanitary products? Your DF is to clever to buy that type of item that inadequate women use? He sounds like a (monster) nightmare! Sorry but because someone is born with high intelligence it does not make them a nice or respected person.

Op, I suggest you have a sit down with your OH, to discuss how you felt. Do this once you are both calm.

StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 08:34

My dad is one of the cleverest and also least aggressive people I know. He'd find it very awkward to buy sanitary items, but he would.
Dh is a bit more of a dinosaur yet I think he'd buy them without a flinch. Not sure why I think that. Will have to test him. Though he'd come back with the wrong thing of course but not for the want of trying.

abbsismyhero · 10/01/2016 08:40

my dad is useless and not much of a dad in all honesty even he would buy them if needed he used to take me underwear shopping as a child yes it meant i shopped and he paid but the thought was there

Esmeismyhero · 10/01/2016 08:54

My dh gets pads for me but always the stupid small ones not the semi nappies I need :/

SouthWesterlyWinds · 10/01/2016 08:56

I remember when I was 13, I was in the shower and quickly yelled at my dad for a disposable. 15 minutes later and my drill sergeant (retired), old fashioned and working men's club father panicked, drove to the shops, bought about 18 different items including that God awful Doc Whites with loops and threw them at the bathroom door because his daughter had asked.

What I really wanted was a disposable razor for my legs but I've never admitted that to him.

Glad you're ditching him. Does his DD's live with him FT or do they nave someone to talk to? And could you implement some of BlueSmarties revenge plan before you go?

Joysmum · 10/01/2016 08:59

Wishing you strength for today OP Flowers

flanjabelle · 10/01/2016 08:59

My dp is one who would panic in the sanpro isle and come back with far too many choices in fear of picking the wrong one. He has also just told me though that he would definitely do it and bring chocolate too. Don't accept less than that op.

I think it comes down to their own fathers view on it though. I had a particularly awful period over Christmas and fil was absolutely lovely about it (I had to miss a family party the night before as I was flooding so dp had explained). he didn't avoid the issue and asked me if I was ok and if it was 'containable'. Grin he offered wine and chocolate to make me feel better. It was very sweet and I told him how he should be proud of his son as he is just as understanding.

YesterdayOnceMore · 10/01/2016 09:01

My DH would not like buying sanpro. He would be embarrassed and not enjoy it.

BUT if I needed it and asked him, he would buy it for me despite his embrressment, because he loves me and that's what love is.