Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

[AdvicePlease99]

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

AF, as someone that has read many valuable posts by you and respect your opinions enormously, it's not that easy.

When I read OP's post, I actually wondered (and looked back on times and dates to see if it actually could be DH.) it isn't, but has made me well aware something isn't right.

We're best friends and always have been. I'd like to think if this was DH, he'd not be so fucking spineless as this and just say.

My name is not on the mortgage down to really crappy circumstances when I was younger, that I'm still digging myself out of, but he earns more than I could have dreamed a few years ago. Still, if it did turn out to be my DH, I'd still leave.

Is it easier to bury your head in the sand ?

You say you would want your own H to tell you if he has something to tell

But you know he has something to tell and he hasn't done it

And your solution to that is to try and find a more improved version of yourself to hang onto him ?

That's the wrong way round, lovey. You deserve an improved version of him

You're right. I debated for days whether to comment on this thread and I'm glad I did. I'm going to do the asking and not take any bullshit.

Thank you AnyFucker.

Ice, it must have made you feel horrible to see the actions of your own H reflected in the cowardly approach demonstrated by the OP here

I am sorry. I hope you get what you want (but mainly that you get what you deserve) x

It did - it made my heart plummet into my arse the more I read tbh. I am not some dim, weak woman. I was the breadwinner for many years, did my degree alongside my job and supported DH. That reversed a few years ago.

It's reading the bits about seeing OW's highlights...as a SAHM I'd pretty much stopped worrying about it, in fact, I've never felt so comfortable with myself as I do now, with hair in a messy bun most days and make up if I have time (haha!)
But it's always been about much more than that with us. We laugh together about all sorts of daft things and he's lovely, he really is. But he's 8 years younger than me and I can honestly see how it's possible to get attracted to someone else.

Without beating around the bush any further, i would be objective enough to listen and maybe even understand a bit.

I would still leave, but I'd at least still respect the OP for his honesty. If I heard it from somewhere else, I'd drag his arse through the shit.

(And if it is you, DH, a weekend of me and DC watching you do decathlon isn't my idea of a fun weekend away. A weekend on my own at Ragdale...oops, all booked. Thanks DH :)

Hi Icecream, I'm not your DH - sorry.

OP.

Dare I ask? How is it going?

It's really difficult if I'm honest. I feel foolish and very angry with myself for getting myself into this situation. As I said last week nothing will happen with OW. I still fancy her, but nothing will ever happen. The whole thing has been and is being a horrible rollercoaster - not eating or sleeping properly but there will be an end in sight. I'm staying focussed. Thank you for asking and your support.

Still no mention of how your wife is.
sigh
It's all about you and the OW.

Hi eloquent, she's fine and it's fine. It's not about OW. I really take your point though, my posts have been orientated around myself and trying to understand the situation with OW rather than my wife and I. Point taken, and thanks.

I am glad that someone else noticed there was not one mention about OP's wife. How he wants it work because he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her

It's all about him. How bad he feels. How hard it is. How great OW is. The wife is just a shadow beneath that ego.

AF is right. When the truth came out about my H's long infatuation with a mutual friend I fucking despised him for not having the guts to admit it to me. All the moodiness and teenage histrionics suddenly made sense. Your wife already knows that something is up OP, stop humiliating her further and own what you are doing.

I agree with the comments about the lack of mention of the marital relationship. In this situation OP I think if you don't make a concerted effort to fix things with your wife then there is no future in that relationship. Even if you do it may still be over, but your wife deserves much better than being a bit player here.

Something in your existing relationship isn't happening, as if you were happy you wouldn't even be looking elsewhere. Think you need to get to the root cause of that. Do not cross any more lines with the other person!

What "isn't happening" in op's marriage is likely to be because he hasn't been giving enough to it

There is probably nothing wrong with the relationship at all, but there is certainly something "wrong" with him

Oh OP - you booked a weekend a away and got slated, you're now being slated for not mentioning the marriage!

You will never please the "one rule fits all" mumsnet army.

Have you had the wkend away? How was it?
How are you getting on with refocusing on the marriage?

Well done for going no contact this long - you can do this!

Reading this reminds me again of how good married men are at sitting on the fence while other people - in this instance his wife innocently stand by him.

He is so longing to jump into a full blown relationship with the mistress, but is unwilling to do that because he doesnt trust that she will provide for his needs should she decide to take him on.

Ohh, decisions, decisions, what should I do? (he says).

Isn't it about time you moved out on your own, because at the moment you don't love your wife, nor care for this woman. This would then stop you messing up other peoples lives, and you can then focus on what you really want. This would be the best, and honourable course of action.

Also, by the way it is better to be honest now, as it will all come out in the wash later anyway.

Booking a weekend away is easy shit. A matter of a phone call or email.

No cookies deserved for a nice little mini break for himself and his unsuspecting wife

Something in your existing relationship isn't happening, as if you were happy you wouldn't even be looking elsewhere

Sorry I disagree. Cheats tend to justify their weakness in parenthesis by saying they can't have been happy if it happened. In fact, it's normal to be attracted to other people in a ltr, not everyone chooses to act on it.

What is it about "one rule fits all". ? ..? Mums net army? ?

Just be honest, poster what do you want out of life?

Hi everyone - and especially thanks to confusion! Weekend away was good, I have had contact with the colleague this week (work purposes) but it's all very balanced and feels OK and I feel a lot better about things. I also had a chat with a councillor yesterday lunchtime and that helped no end - they were really good and helped me see the facts. So it's all going well, thanks 😊

Oh good. You're okay.
How's your wife? Does she still think there's something wrong?
I can bet you she does.

"Especially thanks to confusion"

You betcha

Hi eloquent, she's ok and we're OK, thanks for asking.