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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

265 replies

AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 20:02

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

OP posts:
eloquent · 09/01/2016 21:10

Can i ask what you expected us to say?

Did you really need it confirming that you're being a dick?

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 21:10

It means as much personal contact as possible so we're just left with work communication.

OP posts:
12purpleapples · 09/01/2016 21:11

Take this opportunity to think about your marriage - clearly something isn't right there for you to be looking to someone else - maybe now would be a good time to think about whether relationship counselling might help is uncovering what that is, and if its salvageable?

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 21:11

I expected you to say what you did, but I needed to hear it really clearly. My heads all over the place and I know I'm in dangerous territory.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 21:12

Something isn't right in the marriage and I know I need to fix it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 21:13

Thank you very much for the link

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2016 21:13

There is nothing wrong with the marriage there is something wrong with you

AnyFucker · 09/01/2016 21:14

Don't do relationship counselling unless you are prepared to confess your affair

JonesTheSteam · 09/01/2016 21:14

Yep, something wrong with you. Agree with AnyFucker.

eloquent · 09/01/2016 21:16

You sound like this is all very fun and exciting.

I'm sure your wife wouldn't agree. Nor your children for that matter.

Believeitornot · 09/01/2016 21:39

How were you feeling before you met this colleague? About your wife and marriage I mean

bumbleclat · 09/01/2016 22:25

My dad has just ended his 15 year relationship with a wonderful wonderful woman and now all that is left is pain suffering and despair.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT.
It will fuck everything up.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 09/01/2016 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 09/01/2016 22:50

Please don't attempt to blame your marriage. You are already treating your wife shabbily by indulging in all this star crossed lovers nonsense. Don't make it infinitely worse by trying to make your failure to behave properly somehow her fault.

eloquent · 09/01/2016 22:53

I could kiss whatyouseeiswhatyouget.
Listen to that post.

Yseulte · 09/01/2016 23:04

Would you really be happier leavinf your home and only seeing your kids every other weekend though? Have you thought the reality through?

Yseulte · 09/01/2016 23:07

Oh and btw OW telling you all about her dates is not in the name of honesty, she's trying to make you jealous and choose her.

JonesTheSteam · 09/01/2016 23:10

My DH had an affair with a work colleague.

We are still together, almost two years on.

Two years of almost unbearable pain, tears, anger, hatred, fear, guilt, shame and disgust.

I'm talking about him and his reactions to the shit he put us through.

If he could go back in time and not put me through everything I've been through he truly would. There was nothing 'wrong' with our marriage or relationship other than we weren't new and shiny any more.

The reasons for cheating were his, and his alone, and he has owned them totally.

His advice would be don't do it. It won't be worth it. You don't really know her and you will regret it hugely. She is nothing compared to your wife. Your feelings for her are fleeting and not based on reality. Your feelings for your wife are still there but you're putting all your energy into this new 'relationship', so you are bound to think they aren't. It will cause so much pain and you will hate yourself for it.

doceodocere · 09/01/2016 23:18

My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress

Your poor wife. You are being unbelievably cruel.

Emmalouise2babies · 09/01/2016 23:22

Man up and tell your wife the truth you selfish bastard. She deserves better and so do your children. This is wrong and you've already admitted that you basically put your own feelings before your wife and your CHILDREN. I wouldn't be sure that this woman won't blab because she clearly has no morals either otherwise she wouldn't be trying to make you jealous by discussing dates. Stop being a spineless cunt and stand up to what you are doing and give your wife the chance to meet someone who deserves her and stop worrying that her poor husband has 'work issues' Angry

SparkleSoiree · 09/01/2016 23:38

You have changed your loyalty already and given it to the OW.

Your wife should be given the same option immediately about whether she wants to change her loyalty that she currently gives you.

You know it's just lust, don't you? It's not love or soul mate rubbish. It's a strong sexual attraction which you have both fanned the flames of with ridiculous, playground whispering. The OW is teasing you into sleeping with her with this 'other dates' nonsense. Leave your wife, have the sex with the OW, watch the novelty wear off then see if your wife (who will probably have moved on herself after realising she deserved much better) and your children (who saw their mother go through hell because of your desire for this OW) will welcome you back with open arms.

I've said similar things myself because of intense attraction but after I got it out of my system that was it. When I look back at how quickly I moved on after being sure it was 'the one' I wonder how I could have got it so wrong from the initial strength of feeling.

If you decide to save your marriage you must change your job, cut all contact with the OW and focus on improving things in your marriage because already your wife is being hurt and disrespected and she has no idea what's about to hit her.

Justaboy · 09/01/2016 23:41

You won't be the first and won't be the last, but have a read though the threads on this board of the devastation your actions can cause your wife and family, then I think you may well see it all differently.

It will pass handled correctly but best bet is to CUT ALL contact with the OW right now!.

SqueakyChops · 09/01/2016 23:44

AdvicePlease99 I've name changed specifically to respond to you in total honesty.

I have been the wife of someone who did exactly what you're doing right now. If it wasn't for the fact that I know otherwise, I'd could almost swear you were my husband.

Your wife will find out. No doubt. I found out because the idiot accidently pocket dialled me after telling me he was getting in bed. (working away so at a hotel) He was in fact not going to bed, he was at his 'friends' flat.. Female friend that I had heard him mention in passing once or twice.... I listened to them talking for quite a while, and was almost physically sick when I heard her mention that she didn't have a problem sleeping with a married man as long as it was in a different postcode...

I had a problem with it. They just about tore my heart out that night. It explained why I didn't get a response to my texts while he was working away, why sometimes his phone would be on silent when he was home, why he never left it lying about and why he thought it was ok to be snappy with me and our dc over the tiniest things. Our sex life dwindled after the birth of our last dc and I know for sure he disengaged and caught the eye of some young single colleague with morals as low as his own.

You're already doing all of the above aren't you?

He admitted to an emotional affair and I lost every ounce of trust I had over our 10 plus years of marriage. He begged and cried and pleaded with me when he realised his family were all but out the door.

Think about what you're doing, because when you realise what you have to lose, it might already be too late. She's already noticing that you're acting different, it won't take her long to figure it out.

sleepinginmycar · 09/01/2016 23:53

FFS how old are you, 12? Because this is the kind of teenage crap I expect my DS to come out with.
Grow a pair and stop being a twat.

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