Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

[AdvicePlease99]

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

you are still working that hard done by, tragic hero thing aren't you?

until you accept that you are the wrong doer here I can't see that anything is going to change

I don't think I am working the hard done by hero thing - I acknowledge what happened was wrong and I'm trying hard to move on from it.

Hi Advice, still see you are getting shit from many posters. Impossible to keep them happy. They have had disfunctional relationships I'm sure, and are projecting those feelings onto you.
Sounds like you are going in the right direction, and good for you.
I would still positively encourage you to try and understand why you fell for Ms Flirtatious.

Best of luck.

I don't have a dysfunctional relationship. I have a marriage based on honesty. That is why I can see how shitty this bloke's behaviour is, and the hooks he is letting himself off.

Mind you, I expect his wife thinks she has a marriage based on honesty. That just shows how wrong someone can be, without even knowing why.

Thank you Bobblehat - I have been working through the reasons for falling for her and I can see a number of triggers and reasons. That call with the councillor yesterday massively helped because it was very non-judgemental and a good way to assess the facts and situation. Hurrah for relate is all I can say 😊 and thank you again for the support, it's been really appreciated to help me get through a difficult time.

I have been with DH for nearly 30 years. During all of that time, do you honestly think I have not fancied other men from time to time? I have also felt bored with our relationship occasionally. Life has its ups and downs.

But... My remedy has been to show my love for DH more when I have felt fed up. To do those little kind and thoughtful things for him. To tell him how much I appreciate him and what he does for us, his family. And the result has always been that I feel more love for him and he responds in the same way. And the rocky patch has ended.

Some years ago, we had a chat about how life might be when our DSs grew up and left home (erm, they are still here BTW). We realised that we might find problems in reconnecting after the busy child rearing years. DH suggested that we should go out for lunch every Saturday on our own and spend the time really talking to each other. This was a really great thing to do as we found again that real deep connection. We both could see past the daily drudge, the ageing bodies, the wrinkles etc., to the bright young couple who first fell in love.

No, our marriage is not perfect, our lives are very hard for a number of reasons that I will not go into. But, spending time together has helped us to weather the inevitable storms. Time, care, kindness, thoughtfulness, respect, hugs, appreciation, laughter etc., are the glue that keeps a relationship going.

Please, OP, find the glue for your family's sake.

It's been around two months since this all started - someone will be wanting similar advice in the future and I wanted to post as an update because this might help someone else reading through an old thread.

I really regret the entire situation happening. Hugely and completely. There was no affair but what did happen made me realise I didn't want to be in my marriage anymore, and that's with a loving partner and a lovely family and that's really the thing that's so damaging.

I feel sick when I think about OW who now has a new partner. I've tried so hard to reconnect with my wife but I simply doesn't feel the same as it did - maybe in time it will and I'll continue to try. So the end of it is just a load of hurt and pain, and if you're reading this that's the message to take away.

I really wish I'd have read the last paragraph of the previous post and focused on my own family before looking elsewhere and maybe that would have prevented it all from happening in the first place.

If you've severed all non-work-related contact with OW, how do you know that she has gone from dating to having a new partner?

I think you're still in a state of denial and minimising when you say "There was no affair".

You're not going to move on from this if you can't even admit to yourself what you've done.

Your wife deserves better than this.

If you want to reconnect with your wife then you really do need to break all contact with the OW and stop checking up on her. If you don't really believe that she is gone forever then you will still struggle.

Yes, thanks everyone. I know she's got a new partner because she told me and she wanted to be fair with me to let me know. The timing wasn't great for a few reasons and to be honest that's all just stirred up a load of emotion. I am concentrating so hard on my wife and I also need to convince myself OW has gone forever, that's the bit I'm finding hard but it's getting easier day by day. Thanks again for the responses, they do help.

You really need to go no contact with this woman. You are still having an affair with her. You are still having these discussions with her and you are still being disloyal to your wife. You need to change your job asap. Seriously.

Why would she need to tell you 'to be fair to you' if you had gone NC with her and she knew you were focusing on your wife and marriage?

You have to 'convince yourself OW has gone forever' - sounds like you have kept your mind open to the possibilities of being with OW and sounds like you are still feeling sorry for yourself.

Yes it sounds like you are really trying OP!

Op you really need to see this ow for what she is. She's making a chump out of you and a chump out of your wife. I'd love to see her reaction if she was confronted by your wife.

You're still caught up in this teenage star-crossed lover fantasy, where you could be together with this wonderful woman who is so amazingly honest and lovely. You're playing the role of heroic man who is sacrificing everything for the sake of his family. You know you're destined to be together because you have this special connection.

To put it bluntly, you're deluding yourself. It's complete and utter crap.

Lovely and wonderful women don't go around telling married colleagues how much they fancy them. Telling you about her new partner had nothing at all to do with "being fair to you". It's about making sure you know what you're missing out on.

No doubt in a few weeks or months she'll be telling you how they've broken up - just to be fair to you, of course. Then you'll be able to play the white knight rushing to her rescue again. It's new to you but the script is as old as the hills.

You're not some poor tortured soul sacrificing everything for your family. You're just one of many thousands of men/women out there who sacrifice their family for the sake of someone new.

Until you can break out of this ridiculous fantasy and stop these cosy little chats with the OW, there really isn't much hope for things getting better.

Thanks everyone, I clearly had kept my mind open to the possibilities through all this. To shut down that option I have been focusing on long term things with my wife - holidays, future plans e.g things that are a number of months in the future. Over the past few days I've honestly felt better about it which is a really good.

There haven't been any cosy little chats with OW - I was told via a very short text exchange - it was really unexpected and it really triggered a whole load of unhelpful emotions. I honestly don't think she told me that to let me know what I was missing out on, maybe she did, I just don't know. Regardless of that I now feel more committed to my wife and family, so it's all getting back on track and I'm giving them the time and love they deserve which is good. Thank you again everyone.

All the standard hate filled, negative responses here that you'd find on any forum you care to mention on this very topic...

Men, seriously keep this subject away from the internet and go and talk to a real person!

I sympathise with your situation (I am in the same one) and these helpful posters seem to never acknowledge that the human condition and brain chemistry has NO IDEA what a wedding vow is. Yes, yes maybe we should be 'stronger' but human attraction is designed to be bloody overwhelming, otherwise the last 200,000 years oh human development and Evolution would look rather different. It's also exactly the same attraction and chemistry that caused us to marry our wives, which apparently is ok...(?)

I can't help but be concerned about some of the patronising and bile filled replies on forums such as this. Maybe the woman replying should spend less time on mumsnet dishing advice and be more worried where there husbands are as there is clearly a lot of pent up resentment in many of these comments.

Anyway OP, this is a very stressful situation and one that is hard to handle especially if you cannot get away from the person you are hugely attracted to, as is my case. I wish you the best of luck sir.

Oh dear. You're in dangerous territory, Aren't you in the least bit concerned about this woman's agenda, very willing to talk with you about your mutual attraction, obviously flirts with you and gives you lots of ego massaging attention all the while knowing your married, and your wife is home bringing up your children, while you tune out making puppy dog eyes over her, and can't get her out of your head,. Why is she single, if she's has that effect on men.?. I may be way off, but I have a feeling she's playing you, and this could monumentally backfire on you. Of course I've no idea it's only an opinion. And before others jump all over me I'm not denigrating the woman, I've no idea what she thinks. Maybe think of how your wife used to make you feel, I bet you couldn't get her out of your head at one stage, you need to honor the promises you made to her, and drop this colleague. You can't be friends, stop kidding yourself on that one.

I reported that post because this is a very old thread and it's purposefully inflaming women

would be interesting to know what has happened since (sorry, human curiosity) - did op manage to keep his dick in his pants and how his dw is doing

Hey OP, I agree with lambtothe a bit on this one. Its a social construct to be in 1 relationship for the rest of our lives without slipping. Plenty of people do and I hate the flaming people get just for feeling the way they do. We are taught from an early age to choke our feelings down, go no contact, blah blah I don't believe in that, listen to your feelings and think about what they really mean. I think you need to think about your happiness here, you have 1 life. If you really believe your marriage has run its course please own it and be honest with your wife who you loved deeply too at some point. Maybe you still do but please assess the situation carefully, no hasty decisions, there is no compelling event here. Maybe you can get back to where things were happy with your wife too. Good luck OP x

AdvicePlease99 how is your relationship with your wife now?

Omg I have completely been and am in this situation right now and the question is all about how you feel about your partner....do you love you partner? This is not about someone else this is about your feelings.....you need to disassociate the 2 I promise you this....