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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

265 replies

AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 20:02

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyRabbit · 13/01/2016 17:47

So - have you told this woman that you're ashamed of how you behaved and that she is to respect your wishes to keep contact to a bare minimum?

TooSassy · 13/01/2016 17:48

OP.

I was the PP who warned you that the next few months will be incredibly hard. Emotions can never just be turned off.

The wobble you had today will happen more and more. The natural outcome of going cold turkey with OW is that the emotions (for a relatively short period of time) are going to intensify. Up until now in your mind you had thought this was going to have an outcome. Whether that outcome was fantasy or reality, now that outcome is not going to be fulfilled. It will take a while for your emotions to catch up with your brain. Stick to your path. See the wobbles through. The power of these emotions cannot be underestimated. At times you may feel that you don't know how you'll live without the OW, like you've had a blow to your solar plexus. But they WILL pass if you stick to your path. I promise you.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on here. I've coached a RL friend through something similar and in all honesty when I saw him and he told me everything and he knew he had to stop, he looked like someone had just died. Yes you did something wrong as a married man, you really did. Hopefully deep down you know that and believe it.

My friends marriage is back on track. He's happier than he was when he'd met his EA. I'm sure he has regrets and in all honesty he still has moments when he thinks about his 'fantasy' but in a heartbeat he says nothing replaces having his family together.

Stick to your path. And make yourself a promise. If you ever do cross that physical line because the emotions are too much, man up and be fair to your wife

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 13/01/2016 18:18

Thanks again TooSassy, great advice and thanks for taking the time to post. Have a good evening.

OP posts:
LionHearty · 13/01/2016 18:21

IrianofWay has said something really important.

Please take your time OP, and learn from this experience. I hope that you do work through this comprehensively.

LionHearty · 13/01/2016 18:26

(I am a slow typist. Flowers for Sassy) Really great advice.

I wish you well OP

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 13/01/2016 20:17

Irian, thanks. You're absolutely right. Thanks for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 13/01/2016 20:29

Great post Sassy

AnyFucker · 13/01/2016 20:40

I'm investing all I can into it.

No you are not. You are whining about how you "might as well as shagged her anyway" with strangers on the internet

We have a weekend away booked

Isn't it lovely how you are rewarding yourself with a mini break for your bad behaviour

No need to thank me.

confusionoftheillusion · 14/01/2016 08:15

OP - you'll realise you can't win here! You've booked a wkend away for you and DW and are now being criticised for it! Wow.

You sound smart enough to know what you need to do and don't feel beaten by people who aren't trying to understand you or your situation. There was some good advice up thread about looking at yourself and what made you start the affair.

Keep going OP and ignore some of the rap you're getting here which is neither helpful nor realistic

Karanka · 14/01/2016 08:59

Keep going OP and ignore some of the rap you're getting here which is neither helpful nor realistic

Agree with confusion - for too much rubbish on this thread from sanctimonious so-and-sos who have no actual advice to offer, but just like to show off how superior they are. It must be wonderful to never get anything wrong in your life.

I do hope you're able to put this behind you and concentrate on your family. It will be difficult given the feelings involved, but very much worth it.

spudlike1 · 14/01/2016 09:00

You've behaved poorly you'll have to take the criticism it's what you do next that counts now .

eloquent · 14/01/2016 10:24

I don't think the op deserves hand holding and congratulating.

He's still been a shit. It takes more than a weekend away and a few posts on a forum to show he's taking this seriously.

I think you should tell your wife. She deserves to know and she should decide whether to stay in a relationship with a cheating shit.

PhoenixRisingSlowly · 14/01/2016 10:51

I agree that you should tell your wife (and I've been reading this thread since the beginning) because she deserves to know what sort of person you are and what sort of relationship she is actually in. At the moment she knows about neither. Which is shit, and unacceptable.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 11:19

Yup, op's wife is in a competition she isn't even aware of here. The last to know she is on trial and the rest of her life and security subject to this self pitying man's poor boundary protection.

I would be interested in his wife's response if she knew he was tortured with thoughts of "I might as well have slept with OW".

Gobbolino6 · 14/01/2016 11:19

It's normal and natural to feel attracted to other people while married, especially during the period when you have young children, which can be draining as well as rewarding.

The key is to remember that you once decided you wanted to build a lifelong relationship with your spouse, and to respect that and focus on your marriage. Don't give headspace to hormonally fuelled, unrealistic fantasies based on what started as just a crush.

There are any number of people you could build a relationship...the idea of soulmates is for 18-year-olds. If you moved on to this woman, in a few years the shine would fade. Would it then be time to move on again, or would you decide to finally put in the effort to maintain a long-term relationship. Better I think to put that work in now and save a broken family and a lot of heartache.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 14/01/2016 11:34

Thanks Gobbolin, really good advice and that's exactly what I'm doing. Thanks.

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 14/01/2016 12:28

Still interested in what the things in your marriage you want to work on are...Is it spending more time together? Communicating better? What is it you feel is missing that made you feel like you'd suddenly found it in someone else? A passing crush and attraction I think anyone can understand, but this kind of infatuation is...well, on another level. You haven't said anything about your wife here, what made you fall in love with her? What kind of relationship are you striving to get back to?

fuddle · 14/01/2016 23:06

I can understand how you feel. I got very close to someone but I realised it was a mistake. We only ever talked.At the time my husband was out of work and I was stressed out, etc. The thing is when you feel so attracted to another person and its all so intense it feels as if you have no feelings for your partner, when really you do. I told my husband what had happened and after that we sorted things, it took a while but not that long before I moved on. Women can be very funny about this kind of thing, its perfectly normal to feel attracted to others its what you do that matters. Sometimes talking really helps....

0dfod · 17/01/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerNutRiskIt · 17/01/2016 11:26

I have a saying that I absolutely love about the grass being greener:

If you water your own damn grass it'll be just as green.

Concentrate on your wife and forget the colleague. She's a colleague, and that alone.

Yseulte · 17/01/2016 15:27

Or alternatively: the grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilised with bullshit.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 18/01/2016 19:50

Thanks everyone. I think a number of things aren't right, I do have feelings for my partner but as you say they get a bit clouded at times because of the situation I put myself in. Thanks again for the support.

OP posts:
IcecreamBus · 19/01/2016 00:16

Op, I've been reading this thread for days. I suspect my DH has been through something very similar lately (being extra busy, nipping out a lot, engrossed in his phone, finding excuses to do things away from us whereas he wouldn't have before.)

Your wife is not stupid or oblivious - she already knows something is wrong. I knew when my DH walked through the door proclaiming that he 'missed me, and missed 'us time.' The fact that we don't get 'us time' is down to me Agreeing to move to further his career. I've not said anything, but I'm stupid. I know the signs. So I'm losing weight and making more effort with my apprearance. And taken an evening job, which might help me feel less mumsy and more like an interesting person again.

People change...but not that much. If I was your wife, I'd rather you came clean and be honest.

IcecreamBus · 19/01/2016 00:22

Not stupid, even. Oops.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2016 00:26

ice, please don't do the pick me dance

you are demeaning yourself, and you will hate what you did when you finally understand that if you as you are is not good enough he should simply fuck right off

how dare he push you to the point of competing with another woman for the dubious affections of some ego-driven fool

you can do better, much much better