Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

265 replies

AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 20:02

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

OP posts:
Binders1 · 13/01/2016 09:45

I was sympathetic'ish up to the point you said 'So to be honest it might as well as done'!? Shouldn't that say 'feel so guilty but so glad it didn't go any further'??? If it might as well as done, your marriage would probably be over. Bearing in mind you keep saying you don't want anything to happen, nothing is going to happen, you want to work on your marriage et etc. If that's how you honestly feel, do you wife a favour and leave her. You sound like you are now feeling sorry for yourself!

Bambooshoots14 · 13/01/2016 09:55

Your poor wife. She'd be better off without you

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 13/01/2016 10:01

Just a bit of a wobble - the message earlier came out a bit wrong!

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 13/01/2016 10:07

Think I get what you're saying OP - that because you did want something to happen you feel guilty of essentially doing it anyway (at least mentally). As you should be, really, because 'I wanted everything to happen and wouldn't have stopped it' is well past passport control in Affair Land.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 13/01/2016 10:23

Yes, that's exactly right.

OP posts:
confusionoftheillusion · 13/01/2016 10:28

OP - what you've done above is say that wanting it to happen is still REALLY bad even though it didn't.... which usually the mumsnet bandwagon would tell you if you said that it wasn't as bad as if it didn't happen! So don't feel beaten up by a couple of the comments up there... Good for you for seeing the seriousness of even wanting something to happen and accepting how close you were to going through with "everything".

I'm sure you've thought of this but make sure your DW doesn't find any of your reading material unless you plan on talking it through with her - which i don't think you do!

Binders1 · 13/01/2016 10:41

OP - I acknowledge the misinterpretation. You admit you wanted everything to happen and wouldn't have stopped it - but you have/are (for now at least). Remember your original post was asking for help to stop it.

Bobblehat10 · 13/01/2016 10:57

Hi.I for one understand your feelings. It's funny, on here, just wanting or desiring another person is considered to have crossed lines etc etc. I've thought several times, well if that's the case, you might as well go and have a full on affair, complete with kinky sex etc etc. And yet in the real world, we all know that there's a difference between them, and the final 'line' that people talk about is probably sex. Each previous line hurts, but none more so than that one, and not all stages are equal.
I think what you are feeling now is essentially a 'mourning' for the relationship with the other woman. Since it's not going to happen, you are wondering what might have been, and what it would have been like.
It's not really bad - it's natural and expected, and normal.
But it's the path to getting back with your wife, and that's where you wanted to be.
So understand those feelings are normal and acceptable, and part of the healing process, and furthermore an indication you are heading in the right direction.

heavens2betsy · 13/01/2016 10:57

Get your head out of the clouds and really have a good look at the OW
She knew you are married and have dc and still told you she fancied you and telling you she is dating to get you out of her head? That stinks of manipulation to me - she is offering herself to you then teasing you with other men to make you jealous.
You may see it as noble and self sacrificing but it's not. Its manipulating and game playing and believe me that will carry on and get worse if you were ever stupid enough to get into an actual relationship with her.
Wake up, get your brains out of your pants and appreciate what you have with your wife and dc

confusionoftheillusion · 13/01/2016 11:06

Or maybe the OW was dating to try and get him out of her head and she too was confused by the attraction to a married man which she knew was wrong but still felt.

Jeepers people... Nobody is perfect

heavens2betsy · 13/01/2016 11:10

Fair enough but why tell him?
It's not wrong to fancy a married man but if you tell him you are attracted to him there will be a reaction from him.
Its all so fine to date other people to forget someone why on earth would you tell them this is what is going on?

She's playing him.

RivieraKid · 13/01/2016 11:18

No, we're all deeply flawed, and the OP is clearly trying to get back to a good place in his marriage, mourning for the relationship with OW, and feeling heaps of guilt. All of this sounds kind of standard in an emotional affair and difficult and destabilising. But:

It's funny, on here, just wanting or desiring another person is considered to have crossed lines etc etc.

There is, IMO, a pretty serious line crossed when thinking about or desiring someone becomes talking about how much you fancy each other with them and saying you wouldn't have stopped it if anything physical did occur.

heavens2betsy · 13/01/2016 11:33

Exactly my point Riviera. Its to be expected that in a 15+ year relationship one or both parties will find themselves attracted to or feeling a connection with someone outside of the marriage. We can fantasise about what ifs or develop silly crushes.
But discussing it with that person is crossing the line. It is letting that person into your marriage in a way and I would consider that as being unfaithful.

confusionoftheillusion · 13/01/2016 11:50

I read on here once that anything which happened with someone else which you wouldn't tell your partner was "cheating"... so for me as you say the issue is them discussing it...

To be fair the OW may have realised everything which had happened was wrong and was trying to tell OP she was moving on.

Not all OW are awful people

RivieraKid · 13/01/2016 12:36

Oh, not at all and I didn't mean to imply it. I don't think life can be conveniently filed under good or bad even with really emotive topics like marriage a lot of the time. I'm just saying that this affair did cross that line even though it wasn't physical. I think sometimes there's a tendency to think of emotional affairs as not as bad?

confusionoftheillusion · 13/01/2016 14:13

I agree - and I think id be more hurt by an EA than a ONS! Who knows but imagine the fall out of an EA to be very painful

confusionoftheillusion · 13/01/2016 14:28

My point was really to heavens that OW may not be lying at all - just trying to move past this

mrsjskelton · 13/01/2016 14:59

The grass is not greener. You surely married your wife because you have lots in common etc. You cannot be friends with this woman. It will only end in tears. I think you need to book a babysitter and find some sparkle back with your wife - if you left her for this woman what the reality? Your WIFE is involuntarily single, you have a love life ready prepared and she's bringing up a family on her own!! Respect your vows please and do the right thing.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 13/01/2016 16:02

Thanks everyone. OW is moving on with her life because she knows the conversation and thoughts towards me were wrong and she feels bad about it. She's absolutely doing the right thing. She's not an awful person - just someone who has been single for a while and felt attracted to someone who gave her attention. Who wouldn't be?

It is a kind of grieving I'm feeling. I'll always wonder and question my judgement and think of what could have been and I'll always see the edited highlights of OW. Before all this I thought everything in my life was good and I guess the situation has come out of the blue and naturally it's made me question everything. Thanks again for the support it's really helping.

OP posts:
confusionoftheillusion · 13/01/2016 16:10

Heard this quote once:

If you watered your own grass as much as that on the other side of the fence it would be just as green...

I.e. Try not to spend time wondering what life with OW would be like and spend that time on your DW...
Research a restaurant to take her to, pick up her fave flowers on the way home, offer to cool her a meal. If you want to save your marriage then invest in it.

I didn't want to invest in mine - I knew it was over.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 13/01/2016 16:19

I'm investing all I can into it confusion. We have a weekend away booked. Today was the first (work) email exchange with OW. I guess I was nervous about the first one but it was reassuringly OK. I can do this and thank you again.

OP posts:
IrianofWay · 13/01/2016 16:41

"Before all this I thought everything in my life was good and I guess the situation has come out of the blue and naturally it's made me question everything"

Herein lies the problem IMO. Having been cheated on I spent a long time reading on forums about relationships and affairs and one thing I saw again and again was 'there must have been something wrong for the affair to happen'. I don't agree with that comment per se. It depends on what you define as 'wrong'. Every (perhaps I should say most) life time has dull patches where things plod on without change and without huge excitement. Generally people accept that that is normal and they try to do something to create a little more interest, or just put their heads down knowing it will pass. When it's a lifetime involving a long relationship we can find an easy scapegoat for our boredom - we can blame the other partner or the relationship - even easier when someone new comes along and we can make comparisons.

Ask questions if you like, but ask them of yourself, not your wife and not your marriage. Fix your problems without pointing the finger.

Your wife isn't there to make you happy - that is your job.

JonesTheSteam · 13/01/2016 17:07

Totally agree with Irian.

ChatShitGetBanged · 13/01/2016 17:13

OP should tell his wife

if my dh ever thought about another woman like op is/has, whether he did anything physically or not, it would be enough that he thought someone was "better" that me (even just for a short time) and I would never, ever be able to live with that so he would be gone

do your wife that decency ffs

bjrce · 13/01/2016 17:32

Op.
You are a self indulgent arse hole who is enjoying the attentions of a single girl whom you said yourself "enjoyed your attention" attention you should have been giving you your w and dc.
You are still indulging in thoughts about her and coming on this thread bullshitting about how not to be unfaithful to your wife and asking for advice on what you do.
You are trying to set yourself up as a " nice guy," taking your w off for a week end, when it plainly obvious who you would rather be going with. Who do you think you are kidding?
It's your wife I feel really sorry for. Being in the complete dark about what a weak, dishonest excuse for a man she has for a husband.
Grow a pair of balls and leave the job or show your wife this thread.
I guarantee you will do neither.