Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

[AdvicePlease99]

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

wow...aren't you the Knight in Shining Armour, making all these sacrifices to go back and do your duty to your wife and children?

If you do not love your wife then do the decent thing and leave, don't you dare think you are so good to go tread water in your marriage and make her out to be a second best consolation prize to your ego, how fucking dare you??

someone upthread said go back and be the best husband and father ...it was Miss Alabama Whitman ...I also recommend you never tell her, if you were my husband and I found out you'd be toast.

I think that TondelayaDellaVentamiglia has a really good point - your wife deserves to be your first choice, and not a second, but more convenient option. If you aren't the sort of person who would be looking elsewhere if you were happy in a relationship then you need to focus on whats gone wrong there, and trying to resolve it, not just a focus on avoiding the OW, because I suspect that even if you manage to avoid entangling yourself with her, sooner or later it will be someone else.

You have a young family. Presumably you adore them and have a good level of involvement in their stable upbringing.

They need you. More than you'll know, so forget about this crush and secure your future happiness with your family.

When you decided to marry, did you not realise that you lost the freedom of acting on crushes with perceived soul mates (honestly!)

You could throw it all away for this ow, and then in five years meet another. And repeat.

I know it's all already been said but for me the big flashing red light is the fact that you have 'discussed' your feelings for each other. That crosses over the line into affair territory, and I'm sure you realise that your wife would probably be just as devastated to find out that you and this women were telling each other these things as if you had done anything physical. You talk about the fact that you haven't taken it further as something you can almost be proud of, but do you think your wife would see it that way?

Everybody meets people they are attracted to. And of course it feels exciting after 'over 15 years' of being with the same person. But at the point that you disclose how you feel to that person, you have crossed the line. What were you hoping the achieve from telling them anyway if you didn't want anything to come of it? If you truly love your partner, and to me that means putting their feelings above or at least equal to, your own, you couldn't possibly even consider causing them the amount of hurt it would cause if they found out.

You have lots of years ahead of you with your wife of meeting people who you may well fancy. if you want to make it work with her, I think you really need to think about reassessing your boundaries.

Good advice, Quorn.

Although many people do marry people they love, I've seen lots of threads on here from Women saying they've "settled" and read surveys saying 30% of men married women they didn't love. My sister has been happily married for 20 years with a daughter to a man she had an affair with when she was single and he was married without children

Please think of your DW. Hopefully work things out. Please don't even consider a relationship with OW.

This is what happened to me, now reconciling, but half think I am losing my mind. I wish you both all the best.

I think your wife deserves more than someone who thinks someone else is better than her, and so do you. Duty is no reason to stay, give your wife the chance to find someone who wouldn't even look at someone else.

I agree with the above poster. Staying with your wife out of a sense of fear, duty and obligation is awful. You either love your wife and family more solidly and determinedly than the flash in the pan wanderlust and you genuinely are full of shame and remorse at looking outside the marriage and for having an emotional affair - or now your wife looks dull and ordinary in comparison to the new and exciting. Please do not stay with your wife from a sense of duty/obligation. What a life sentence you are subjecting her to. You do not love or respect her and what she does/represents if those are your reasons for staying.

Better to leave your wife and be honest and then see if you can or want to rekindle the relationship with your wife rather than mournfully submit to your sense of duty, and so eternally and quietly punishing her (who will be innocent but not stupid - she has already identified that you are struggling with depression/stress) for your misery and disappointment.

Thank you

If you have had a discussion with another person about your feeling for them you have already been disloyal to your wife.

hi OP

hi OP

I was here a while ago so I know exactly how you feel. It ended up turning into a full blown affair which is where yours will go.

If I had my time again and was able to I would cut ALL contact with the other person and see if I could work on my marriage. If I couldn't I would leave my marriage and then be free to have a relationship with someone single (even if it was the OM after he'd left his marriage.)

As it was I have ended up with OM and we've been together 3 yrs now... 6mths of that was an affair. I don't see his edited highlights now i can assure you!!! However I know he is the right one for me. Our affair never came out and both our exes have moved on.

Sometimes you just marry the wrong person but I would urge you to do all you can to make your marriage work and just cut out the other person if you can.

Were there troubles in your marriage before you met her? That for me is a key question.

"I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family."

In other words, you're no longer living an extended adolescence.

You will never do anything in life that will equal being a loving and supportive parent.

It's time for you up grow up and put your kids first.

If this woman was really your soulmate she wouldn't want to ruin your marriage and separate you from your kids. Which is exactly what would happen if she got involved with you. Seeing other people isn't her trying to stop the attraction, it's to make you jealous and chase her even more. How can you not see that?

If you want to lose everything, carry on being infatuated with this snake. If you want to be happy reconnect with your wife. You've already been disloyal. Make it up to her.

So have you told the OW how it is?

"What we have been doing is inappropriate and disgustingly disrespectful to my wife and our marriage. I'm ashamed of the way I've been behaving and I will not allow anything or anyone to jeopardise my family. It's best if we keep any interaction to the absolute bare minimum".

Or maybe "I know how we feel about each other but we must fight it however much it hurts....it will kill me to think about you with other men but I must be brave" blah fucking blah.....

JW35 you don't know what's going on in this woman's head. Most likely she is trying to get on with her life. Standard advice for (single) OW on Mnet is to cut ties and find a single bloke - which is exactly what this woman is doing.

OP - I hope you can work things through with your wife. Sounds like you know you want to stay with her. Personally I don't think the truth is always best. You can tell her you know you haven't been giving the relationsyip the focus it deserves and you want to change it but I actually think telling her the whole truth is more damaging is you are totally committed to rebuilding and being faithful.

Thanks confusion, I think she's doing the right thing getting on with her life for exactly the reasons you mention.

I hope I can work things out too. No contact at all with OW since last week as I said. I'm doing all I can and committed to being faithful. It all feels difficult and different though but I remember someone early in this thread saying it'll be a difficult few months and this won't be easy. I agree that the truth wouldn't be best, it would immediately wreck everything. I don't want that I want things to work out.

My husband of 15 years has just ended our marriage because he is having an emotional affair with a woman 13 years his junior. He wanted to do "the right thing". He changed his mind and we were fine for a short time but he has now decided that he must pursue this relationship. Believe it or not, having read a great deal on this subject I understand how compelling it is. He can't get her out of his mind. She's 35, I'm 53 and they haven't even held hands. Doesn't help that she travels and they haven't seen each other for 6 weeks. Our relationship was good prior to this, talk about our future etc. He was having some serious work issues at the time this kicked off. Seems it's too late now to fix things. I'm the only thing standing in the way of this relationship so I've been cast aside. On Thursday we're telling our 12 yr old that mum and dad are breaking up. I'm devastated.

pippin - how awful. my heart goes out to you. Is it some kind of mid life crisis or does he genuinely not want to be in the marriage?

OP - getting even a few days without contact is good. Keep going. You're sure you want your wife so focus on her and work on that. Its great that you have decided that to be honest - much better for everyone. Dont feel like a prat forever cause you had a wobble... what you've chosen to do about it now speaks more for you that what you felt for someone else.

If you have the urge to contact her - post here. Good Luck. Now go and make your wife a cuppa / pour a glass of wine and chat :)

Thank you confusion - that message massively helps so much. I'll do that!

Confusion - he's a recovering alcoholic, 5 years sober but I guess the addictive personality is still there. I've heard that emotional affairs are addictive so that makes sense. He's also incredibly selfish and to end the emotional affair would require him to put others before himself.

Adviceplease - I wish you good luck. Read as much as you can about these affairs and try to work out how you came to be in this situation. Give your marriage every chance for the sake of all concerned.

pippin - thinking of you and so glad you have your DD

advice - would second what pp said... During my affair I read aLOT Of articles and books to try and help me make sense of it. It was extremely out of character for me (never cheated, type of person who always puts others first, feel guilty if I even go one minute over on a parking ticket!) Working out what led me there was key and even though I chose to leave my marriage it has helped me to understand all those things. As my now DP was my "affair partner" he also did the same. I can say I will never do it again but needed to trust he wouldn't too.

There are a lot of resources out there. Might also be worth you going to see a counsellor to unpick some of it?

Thanks, it's all really out of character for me, I feel very guilty. Nothing physically happened between us but what makes it worse is I wanted everything to happen and wouldn't have stopped it so to be honest it might as well have done. I'm trying to get hold of not just friends by Shirley glass right now which I hope will help.