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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

265 replies

AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 20:02

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

OP posts:
Wristy · 10/01/2016 22:21

It really didn't feel like it was about the sex with OW
I'm sure you said nothing physical had happened earlier?

Ready123 · 10/01/2016 22:42

OP - your posts are nearly all about your colleague and not about your wife. Perhaps the key to the situation is to focus on your wife and work out how you feel about her. An infatuation with a colleague will pass if you actually love your wife and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with her.

On the other hand, if you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with your wife then maybe you need to think again. But it's not fair to any of the three of you to make decisions while your judgment is clouded.

Unlike some of the other posters I don't think you do need to confess everything to your wife. People all have temptations during marriage and you seem to want to do the right thing. However I do think you need to focus on your wife - and only her, with no time limit on it - to work out if you can be happy in your marriage or not.

Good luck.

SparkleSoiree · 10/01/2016 22:58

You're a coward. That's the only reason you won't tell your wife. She may take the control from you and kick your ass out the door anyway and you won't have her or the OW.

All this saving her feelings from hurt is utter tripe. Grow yourself a pair, treat her with the respect she deserves and confess your behaviour without somehow making it sound as if it's her fault.

Then you will have a level playing field.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 10/01/2016 23:08

Cut contact with OW to the absolute bare minimum. Make sure OW knows that you are very consciously holding her alarms length and that you will continue to do so indefinitely.

Then; get a grip of yourself, stop acting like an entitled selfish adolescent.

Keep your mouth shut and spend the rest of your days being the best husband and father to walk Gods green earth.

You made a mistake, you nip it in the bud, you learn from it and you practice damage limitation whilst being wholly cognisant of the fact that you almost ruined it all.

Wake up, shut up and grow up.

Rainbowlou1 · 10/01/2016 23:11

Being in the position your wife is in you need to tell her...I found out, I wasn't told and if I hadn't come across all their shitty messages by accident im sure he would have hidden it all..it fucking hurts like hell and our marriage will never be the same again, that is if we manage to stay together.
You owe it to your wife to be totally honest with her.

RivieraKid · 10/01/2016 23:19

What kind of things in your marriage would you would like to focus and work on, OP?

Hopper15 · 10/01/2016 23:32

I will probably get a lot of flack for my comment. If you love this woman (like really love her), and you see a future with her, then go for it. Everything will work out in the end. Trust your intuition. I am sure when you married your wife you had no idea a woman like the OW existed. If you have so much in common with her - intellectually, emotionally, and physically -- then recognize this as a gift. How many of us can actually say we have met someone like that in our lifetime? It is a rare thing. Life is too short, so be extremely honest with yourself when making your decision. I am sure the OW loves you as much as you love her, and only wants you to be happy whether you decide to stay in your marriage or not. And you two started as good friends, and seem to be trying your best to fight the obvious connection you share. Also, I am sure you have already gone through the process of working on your marriage before posting to this site. Am I right? If there is no passion in your marriage, and you are only with your wife because she is a good mother, then you need to be very honest with yourself and end it. Good luck with your decision.

SparkleSoiree · 10/01/2016 23:35

Hahahahahahahaha!!

Jesus christ.

Ready123 · 10/01/2016 23:39

Hopper15 - while you may be right, it doesn't seem like the right time for the OP to make that decision. Don't you think he needs to focus on his wife and his marriage first, without being distracted by thoughts of another woman who he doesn't really know? Most women would never want to break up a marriage - especially with children involved - in these circumstances.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 23:43

How long ago was your affair, hopper ?

Hopper15 · 10/01/2016 23:47

Ready123 I absolutely agree with you. I was just wondering if he has already tried to work on his marriage but it is still not working. No one wants to break up a marriage, esp when kids are involved.

Hopper15 · 10/01/2016 23:48

I actually have never had an affair. My husband cheated on me and we are no longer together.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 23:50

Then why are you validating the poor choices this bloke has been making ?

Rainbowlou1 · 10/01/2016 23:51

Hopper15 I'd hope he had (once upon a time) felt that way about his wife which is why he married her? If he doesn't feel that way anymore he should discuss with his wife where they go now before bringing a third person into the marriage!

Ready123 · 11/01/2016 00:01

Hopper15 - I don't think your views are actually at odds with many people on this thread. I very much hope that I would have the courage to leave if my marriage were over. However, in this situation the OP has suggested that he still wants to work on his marriage. I am currently seeing somebody who is separated, which is difficult enough! I can't imagine being the OW in the situation described in this thread. The only advice I can give is that every decent woman would want to be absolutely sure that a marriage is over for all the right reasons before starting a relationship. If the OP's colleague is really a friend then I am sure she will give the OP space to focus on his wife and try to be happy with his family first, including breaking off contact if that is what he needs.

Hopper15 · 11/01/2016 00:10

Ready123, again, I totally agree with you.

Binders1 · 11/01/2016 01:06

Hopper - you are saying 'if you really love each other'. But they don't love each other, they are in cloud cuckoo land, fantasyland not reality. They are not 'doing their best to fight a connection'. She is telling her tales of dates to make him jealous. They are feeding each other's imagination, telling each other things the op has admitted they shouldn't. Probably thinking they are martyrs for not acting on it in their eyes. Ooh it must be soo soo difficult for them. The what if's, grass is greener, forbidden fruit and all the other cliches come to mind.

I assume when op met his wife , he felt there was no other person he wanted to be with or spend the rest of his life with and have children with hence he married her. Therefore saying 'i am sure you had no idea a woman like OW existed' is weird. We don't know about his wife or marriage but we do know he doesn't want to lose them and wants to focus on his marriage.

Also she is no real friend - she is happy to be in OW territory.

A close family friend felt exactly how you describe Hopper and left his wife and 3 dc' s. Put his wife and children through Hell. His 16 year old son went off the rails.It lasted 9 months and he still can't live with the regret and guilt and losing his family. He spent 4 years in counselling. He is with someone else now and happy but admits if he could turn the clock back he would and he would tell the op the same.

spudlike1 · 11/01/2016 08:08

OP you're being very stupid ...get a grip

spudlike1 · 11/01/2016 08:25

And I'm qualified with experience on this one .

Bobblehat10 · 11/01/2016 08:55

Hi OP.
Still see you are getting a flaming based on projection and experience, but still very little actual advice.
If you have decided to stay with your wife, and definitely not contact OW, I would suggest that's a good start. (Presumably this is not playing to the gallery?)
I would also suggest there is something in your marriage that needs to change.
For me, one of the triggers was DP leaving early, and coming in late(ish) to fall asleep on the sofa before going to bed. It made me feel isolated and lonely, and much more prone to the attractions of a passing flirt. Sorry to say, but there it is. It might be worth thinking about your triggers. And then talking about it and changing things of course.
The other thing I would do is see if you can get some time off with your wife and no kids - go somewhere romantic that you both enjoy, and rekindle those emotions with Mrs Advice. (cheaper than divorce).

Best of luck.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 11/01/2016 09:06

Thanks Bobble, that's such good advice. I have neglected my marriage which didn't help one bit. Time off has been booked already and I'm looking forward to putting all the emotion energy I couldn't help but direct towards my colleague into my wife and family. I'm in such a better place this week. I have no intention of anything happening with colleague ever again.

OP posts:
dreamingofsnowyskies · 11/01/2016 09:36

The thing it all boils down to is that of course a woman that you only see during the day at work is more 'exciting' than your DW.

That's because you haven't seen her when she's just woken up and has terrible morning breath. You haven't had to deal with her when she's had a bad day and just needs someone to moan at. You haven't had to look after her when she's hungover/got bad period pains/got a headache. She hasn't snapped at you for leaving something where it shouldn't be. You haven't had to go into the toilet after she's had a shit.

Of course she is more exciting and physically attractive - because you haven't experienced real life with her. She is all the good things of a person and none of the bad things, because you don't know her well enough for her to show you the real things about her.

I do hope that your conviction to work on your marriage and ignore the OW holds up when you see her today at work, it's easy to have the strength to deny something when it's not in your eyesight. When you're on a diet it's easier to say 'no' to a chocolate eclair when it's in your imagination than when it's sitting on a plate in front of you.

Your DW does not deserve this, please think of her when you see OW, not the fantasy of a relationship with OW.

Good luck.

spudlike1 · 11/01/2016 09:41

All of what Bobbie has said plus counselling to address the issues with you .
I thought of it like Maggot in my head that wouldn't go away .
the only thing that really works of course is no contact of any kind with said woman.
You could always leave your marriage of course which is the only option if you intend to pursue a relationship with this woman who has developed an (silly irresponsible ) infatuation.

I do know what it's like to be lonely married
Good luck

spudlike1 · 11/01/2016 10:03

Oh and the best advice I was given was to stop.being so.'empty headed ' read some books , find some interests , counsel yourself

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 11/01/2016 10:08

Thanks, it's going fine today so far and it will continue to be fine. I won't be leaving my marriage and I wont be having a relationship with OW.

OP posts:
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