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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

265 replies

AdvicePlease99 · 09/01/2016 20:02

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 09/01/2016 23:56

'I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but'

'I've really tried concentrating on my wife, but'

'Yes, it could be a crush but'

I'm hearing a lot of myopic, self-interested justification for something you know is wrong here.

choceclair123 · 10/01/2016 00:12

Your poor wife and children! Just because you wana stick it in some bloody whore! Get a grip of yourself and stop being so bloody egotistical and selfish! You don't know this woman and you're calling her your soulmate?! Bla bla bla! "I can't stop thinking about her" sob sob... Did someone stroke your poor iddy biddy ego? Grow up, man up and start looking after your wife and children

Houseofmirth66 · 10/01/2016 00:16

Keep your hair on you lot. He's been thinking about her. Not sure that makes him a bastard or cheat. It is possible to be in love with someone other than your long term partner without acting on it physically. The poster doesn't really deserve quite such a kicking. If they are handing out jail sentences for thought crimes now then I'm sure I'll be seeing a lot of you in Holloway.

Emmalouise2babies · 10/01/2016 00:18

Something in common with him? Hmm

SparkleSoiree · 10/01/2016 00:20

He has already displaced his wife within their marriage through his 'thinking about her'.

molyholy · 10/01/2016 00:27

Keep your hair on you lot. He's been thinking about her.

No house

they have spoken about their mutual adoration of each other.
he has told her things he probably shouldn't have
they are working together to make sure nothing happens
Ow tells her she goes on dates to get him out of her head

shall I go on?

you are minimising in the same way as op is.

just because he hasn't fucked her yet, doesn't mean it's okay.

Houseofmirth66 · 10/01/2016 00:46

It's a huge leap from admitting an attraction to someone to sleeping with them. And it's a leap that most of us don't make. The shrieks of fury on here are a bit theatrical to say the least. Fancying someone doesn't really make you a 'cunt' (nice one Oscar Wilde) and a metaphorical 500 lashes in front of a baying crowd for being attracted to a woman does feel a bit 'fundamentalist' if you know what I mean.

chantico · 10/01/2016 01:03

If he was just having a crush, it would be quite different.

But he's admitted acting on it.

He's at a cross roads.

He's made the choices that have brought him to this point. Only he can decide which way he goes now.

But the path of continuing to neglect his wife (who has noticed this neglect) whilst pouring his attention and energy into this other woman) is the cruellest.

It doesn't matter to me which woman you choose. But one or the other, not both.

You can step back if you do it now, cut contact and start job hunting.

Or you can end your marriage, set yourself up independently and then go into the future of your choice.

molyholy · 10/01/2016 01:11

Fuckin tell your wife what u have been up to. You twat.

If my husband was going through this, I would want to know.

TooSassy · 10/01/2016 01:19

OP

Watch that ted talk on infidelity. It is very powerful.

A lot of PP have said what needs to be said. My one comment? You don't seem to get the gravity of the situation you are in.

You'll try and cut contact = you'll deny each other as much as you can until one day/ night the feelings overwhelm you both and you can't help yourselves

You have so much in common = your halfway to justifying you making this emotional affair a full blown physical one.

Whatever you decide, face your decision and deal with the consequences. Because there will be consequences eventually. And those consequences will have ramifications for years to come.

And stop treating your poor wife like a fucking idiot. Jesus. I despair of people like you and the zero moral alley cat who is your supposed soul mate.

You are a self involved piece of work. Either work on your marriage or fess up. But don't make a mockery of someone's trust in you.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 01:21

HOM, whatever sex you are I presume you would be ok with your partner having this sort of intimate relationship with someone else, yes ?

I am sure you would "keep your hair on" if he/she was having cosy chats about how much they would love to be with another, if only they didn't have that pesky fucking spouse standing in the way

12purpleapples · 10/01/2016 07:28

It's about honesty isn't it. It might be that the existing relationship is over, and I wouldn't want anyone to stay in a relationship with me if they didn't want to be in it - sometimes things do end, and people feel subjectively that they can't carry on with a relationship even if on paper it all still looks OK.

But that does mean coming clean and acknowledging the situation for what it is. And ending it if thats what's required. But an affair isn't the way to engineer an exit.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 10/01/2016 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SongBird16 · 10/01/2016 07:58

My DH felt like you. They worked together and tried to do the right thing, but the attraction was too powerful to resist (apparently).

When I found out I kicked him out and we are twelve months down the line. He lives with her now.

His parents and siblings are angry with him, I have never seen such grief and shame in their eyes.

They were vilified by their work colleagues, the subject of much gossip, and she had to change jobs. He stayed, but his reputation is shot.

Mutual friends and most of his friends distanced themselves, he doesn't see any of them now.

Her friends and family are suspicious of him, they think he'll cheat on her too.

And of course, the children. Devastation doesn't begin to cover it. DS says when he grows up he wants to be the opposite of daddy, and DD says she'll never get married because he'll just cheat on her.

So we've all had twelve months of misery, and the financial security and emotional wellbeing of his children has been compromised. But it was worth it because he's with his soulmate right? He only gets one life and deserves to be happy right?

Wrong. Every time he picks the kids up he cries and asks to come home. He says he's miserable and has ruined his life. Turns out life with her is pretty similar to life with me, but with all the crap outlined above plus giving up a chunk of his salary every month and an inability to look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night.

You might be happier OP, but HOW MUCH happier would you have to be to make it worth it?

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 10/01/2016 08:04

Thanks again everyone, I can see all the points here. I'm going to concentrate on my marriage. The grass is greener, but I'm going to totally focus on my wife and family. Thank you for commenting.

OP posts:
12purpleapples · 10/01/2016 08:06

I agree - an existing relationship may be over, but thats the choice to be made IMO - is it the relationship or being single - choosing to move on to someone else just because it feels like an upgrade of some sort is bound to lead to regret.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 10/01/2016 08:07

PS and nothing did happen between colleague and I - it's just been a few weeks of thinking hard about things. No kissing, sex or anything else. Yes, I know the desire stuff is probably worse, but nothing happened and it won't happen. Ever.

OP posts:
12purpleapples · 10/01/2016 08:07

(my post was in response to Songbird, not to the OP).

You are making the right choice OP.

Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 10/01/2016 08:09

And thanks songbird. I get how serious this is and I utterly love my children more than anything and I do so much with them. I did consider how shared childcare could work if we broke up but I'm not going to throw it all away. I'm going to concentrate on my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdvicePlease99 · 10/01/2016 08:10

Thank you.

OP posts:
Samaritan1 · 10/01/2016 08:21

Read "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. The entire book is about your situation.

It's not easy to fight this kind of obsession, but you are at a crucial point. By confessing and talking about feelings you've already taken things way too far and you know that.

Lots of people get themselves into this position, unfortunately. It's self-indulgent and dishonest. But also human nature to want what we can't have - novelty is new and exciting, while your marriage seems dull in comparison. You need to decide if your marriage needs work and you can't work on it while you are obsessing about someone else.

TooSassy · 10/01/2016 08:33

Jeez Op. Screenshot that post from songbird and read it again and again.

Watch that ted talk link that was posted and understand that the desire and strength of your feelings for this woman are incredibly powerful emotions.

You can say you're going to focus on your wife and children (that's great). Be prepared that that inevitably means the desire and want and need is going to grow short term, not diminish.

You've gone as far as thinking about how shared childcare you want?? OP you are emotionally and mentally totally vested in this affair.

What I'm trying to say is the path back to your wife is not going to be easy. Not one bit. You're going to need conviction and really a huge amount of mental and emotional strength to get through this 'wanting/ yearning' for someone else.

It's doable I am sure. But don't think it's as simple as telling a bunch of strangers on mnet that you're going to focus on your marriage.
Get you and your wife into counselling and drive all emotional energies towards her.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 10/01/2016 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choceclair123 · 10/01/2016 11:14

Good idea to focus on your wife and kids OP. My "ex father" cheated on my mum and believe me it tore my family apart and to this day I still hate his guts.

Karanka · 10/01/2016 11:25

Hmm, the usual holier-than-thou crap nearly drowns out some very good advice from some posters.

It's not easy to fight an attraction like this, nor to step back from a bond you (rightly or wrongly) believe has formed with this other person. It is exciting and validating in a way a long term marriage may not feel like.

However, you have crossed a line and your marriage will need serious repair work. Whether you tell your wife about this is not for me to judge (I won't claim to be psychic enough to judge the state of your marriage) but the relationship is sinking, whether the other partner knows about it or not. You will need a lot of work to put this right and to put the current situation behind you. Definitely take in the advice/insight from songbird and Toosassy

Regarding work, will you be able to avoid her? Is a job change or relocation feasible?