Married and can't stop thinking about someone else - advice please....

[AdvicePlease99]

I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have a young family. I changed jobs in 2015 and a friendship grew with a colleague who works for another company. I have very regular work contact with her (meetings/emails/phone) and she's single.

We recently discussed that we fancy each other and we've had multiple conversations about it since. Nothing at all has happened physically.

The attraction has happened over a period of time - we get on really well, have plenty in common and it's clear there's a connection there. My wife knows somethings up and thinks it's work stress, but the truth is I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I know it's something that will pass, but I'm struggling concentrating on anything other than thinking about her at the moment.

From the outside looking in I know I shouldn't go anywhere near a relationship with her, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much. I know I need to concentrate on my family and try and forget about her.

So - my question is - nothings happened apart from us knowing that we like each other and probably some form of emotional affair in that we've discussed things with each other we probably shouldn't. I know we'll stay good friends for a long time. How do I stop the romantic attraction and constant thinking about her?

It's a huge leap from admitting an attraction to someone to sleeping with them. And it's a leap that most of us don't make. The shrieks of fury on here are a bit theatrical to say the least. Fancying someone doesn't really make you a 'cunt' (nice one Oscar Wilde) and a metaphorical 500 lashes in front of a baying crowd for being attracted to a woman does feel a bit 'fundamentalist' if you know what I mean.

This naivity is almost endearing.

You've made the right decision, OP. The path to an affair has numerous steps, you've already taken about 90% of them. But you still have the chance to retreat before you take those last steps and ruin many lives. It's good to hear you say that is what you'll do.

Not only is it best for you, your wife, your kids, your extended family - it's also best for your colleague. Get out of her life so she can find a good man for herself.

Op- my dh thought he 'knew' the work colleague he decided to have an affair with. When the affair was exposed & he was sacked she denied everything & actually suggested he had been 'stalking' her. She left him to take the rap & even tho he lost his job she remains in her position unscathed with not a care in the world. He 'never thought she would do him any harm'. I didn't think he would do me any. . . I am devastated . Don't. Just don't. His reputation is shot to shit.

Thanks again everyone. It won't be easy to fight, I know that. There are ways I can cut almost all contact with OW and I'll do that and I will change jobs if needed. I know how close I was to ruining everything and causing a huge amount of pain. I have decided not to say anything to my wife as that would just cause too much upset, and that wouldn't achieve anything other than getting it off my chest. I caused this and now need to concentrate on our future. It won't be easy but at least I feel way more in control of myself, I have a clearer head. The future doesn't include OW, it includes my wife and family. Yesterday I really wasn't sure what to do, but today it's all a lot clearer. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, the support from strangers will now hopefully save my family and marriage. Thank you so much.

Advice, you have had a right flaming on here. I think it's a little unfair to lambast you as much as people have. You're not the only one to have felt like this, and you won't be the last either. I suspect at least some are more reliving their own pain than helping you.
Nevertheless, a few things helped me in an exact situation. (And I mean exactly)

1. Sharing the thread I wrote and asked advice on, with DP. (Painful), and understanding that there were (some / many) things wrong in our marriage. After 15 years (13 for me but there you go) you have already found you soulmate, you've just forgotten it, and no doubt she has as well.
2. Non contact with the other party.
3. In my head, I told myself that this was for the 'non married' person to help allow them to find true love, because that could not be with me. Even a divorced and split up me because of all the history. I made it a little easier for me, to do it for them, not for me. (I'll get flamed for that, but there you have it)
4. Put a timescale on it. If you can go NC for 6 months, make a call after that point. If you still think she is the one, you need to think about it a bit more. I observe this kind of attraction seems to last 3 to 6 months tops, so if you are still 'in love' with the OW then, maybe there is something in it, and you need to make more fundamental decisions about your life.
5. Get busy, so you don't have time anyway. PLay sport, do housework,take the kids out - anything, so you don't have time to contact her. Best of luck OP. A difficult few months coming up I think.

Thanks bobblehat, that's really useful. I have had a bit of a flaming but to be honest I expected it! I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. I know the feelings won't go away quickly. A couple of weeks ago I did the busy thing which helped to an extent I just couldn't really concentrate too much because I was thinking about her all the time.

I'm a lot more aware of some of the triggers now. I'm not sure sharing the thread would be too helpful for me.

I really hope OW has moved on after 6 months - I'm sure she will have done, especially if she's actively looking for a partner. I'll reassess things again then and I hope in that time my life will have moved on. I certainly intend to avoid any contact at all to make it easier to move on as possible.

I think the one piece of advice that someone gave which helped me was to acknowledge that maybe being with OW would be better, but how much better and is it all really worth it?

Thanks again for the advice I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. This has all been really stressful but I now feel way more in control and have a plan for making it all work out. Thanks.

Furthermore what does 'better' really mean when you're only seeing your children every other weekend? Do really want to try to make your life 'better' at expense of making your children's worse?

What it really comes down to is a couple of years of good sex followed by settling into a relationship almost identical to the one you had with your wife, minus your children. What precisely will you have gained?

I'm sure she will have done, especially if she's actively looking for a partner.

I'd honestly be quite wary of this, you said she'd told you she was 'trying to get me out of her head' by going on dates, and it made you hugely jealous. she knows it makes you hugely jealous, OP, going NC might prompt a step-up of that kind of manipulation. Stay strong and good luck.

She's playing with your head by going on dates and telling you about it. Neither of you clearly have any respect for your wife or children judging by your behaviour.

A crush is natural in a lot of ways but you have massively overstepped the mark here and do has your colleague. I think maybe you're both enjoying the attention and the riskiness of it all, the reality would be totally different if you were both single, it would have possibly fizzled out by now IMO.

Do yourself a favour and wake up if you value your family life in any way, give your wife the attention your are giving to the colleague, you did marry her after all. If you can't/don't want to I suggest you think about leaving and being on your own for a while.

I thought I'd be seeing my children 50% of the time. By better I meant better long term happiness - but I really see your point about the bigger picture. It really didn't feel like it was about the sex with OW - I felt very attracted but it was about so much more than just a physical relationship and I guess that's what made it more dangerous. I wasn't quite clear about the dates issue - she decided very quickly very recently to go on dates to concentrate on her future and to move on from me. I'll stay strong, thank you, I will do this!

Sorry, misunderstanding there, nothing is on hold or probation. I have no intention of doing anything with OW, ever.

Advice, in the nicest possible way, between 'I have no intention of doing anything with OW, ever.' and 'I thought I'd be seeing my children 50% of the time.' You've already done something. You've thought about this to the point of hypothetical child care. That's putting your marriage on probation.

OP, your wife is now on a time-limited trial and she has no idea

How cruel is that ?

When I was thinking it through recently I thought about different outcomes, hence the childcare comment.
I'm now going to concentrate on my family so that means no breakup, no affair, no further involvement with OW and definately no childcare issues.

OP can I ask you a question?

Do you regret getting involved with this person?
Do you feel any genuine remorse?

Yes, I absolutely regret it. It absolutely should never ever have happened.

Ok. Then I really think you should consider telling your DW about this.

think about it. Sleep on it. Go see a counsellor and discuss it if needs be.

I just don't see how you can pull through this by yourself. Without your wife knowing. And you deciding to collectively work on you both together. Do NOT think that the OW will just walk away and leave you be.

My STBXH could have saved a lot of heartache if he'd just spoken to me. To this day that's the kicker. He didn't talk to me. He was judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one.

Just think about it.

I had a workplace affair a decade ago (I wasn't married, but in a LTR, he was). It was awful for me, even though it finished the LTR which needed to end. Your position is worse, you've committed and had kids and made your choices. Some things I learned.

• don't trust what you feel. There aren't two people in this relationship, there are many people (your wife and kids, hers if she has them) and that honestly changes the filter massively. I felt more passionately about the man I fell for than anything before at the time, but afterwards my feelings dissolved, unlike my actual relationships they were unreal.
• work and proximity is feeding this. If you'd just chatted to this woman in the pub this would not have happened. Try everything to move jobs.
• things conceived in the misery of other people's pain and your own guilt rarely go well. Took me years to get over what I did.

You committed to your wife and kids, even if your marriage ultimately isn't right getting out of this situation and really trying to save your marriage will leave you happier and with self respect in the long run

OP has no opinion about a woman that would dabble with a married man. He is that special in his own eyes he can forgive her that.

I don't think anyone has been harsh at all. I think that posters have been honest.

Sassy, I will sleep on it, but I really feel confident that I'll do everything possible to make the marriage work. I do think OW will disengage, this was a friendship which developed into something more over a month. Yes, I know romantic attraction can be massively strong but I've made a decision to concentrate on my family and she's made a decision to concentrate on her future.
Whatyousee - there's no probation, nothing will happen in 6 months or ever with OW.
And crazyhead, I will save my marriage. Any other option just isn't worth it at all.

The best advice I have heard in this situation is this: if the grass looks greener elsewhere, tend your own fucking grass

What does saving your marriage look like? What do you intend to do? You cannot put this genie back in the bottle quite as glibly as that. How is it going to be lived out OP?