found husband on gay website

[emandems]

found through my husbands email he was on a gay website gaydar. he said he isnt gay but why on a dating site? he said he didnt know if he was?
he said he got abused as a kid in public toilet so he just wanted to make sure he wasnt gay, but dont know if he telling truth. im soo sad

the email were just from the company gaydar saying he has been messaged twice by 2 men and lots of other email say this guy has checked his profile, i couldnt get on the site as do not no password and now he has deleted it so i will never no. he said he wouldnt of cheated just was checking he wasnt gay. im gobed smacked.
He is such a good man normally and never would of thought this that he would go on dating site and a man one too is even more confussing.

He's lying. If he had nothing to hide, the last thing he would do is delete it.

His story doesn't add up, he has actually taken the time to do a profile so he wasn't just looking

Why did he delete it?

If he didn't know how he'd ended up on there how did he know the password to delete his profile?

He's lying op.

Sorry, misread didn't know if he was gay as didn't know he was on the sure. Apologies op.

Still think he's lying though

[sighs]
You found his profile on a gay dating site. That means he's gay and he's dating. Dating includes sex. You have been having sex with a man who has sex with other men.
Get an STI check - its not difficult or embarrassing, its just sensible.
Don't have sex with your dh until you're fully informed and can make reasonable decisions about possible risk.
You can be a single mother. Sounds like you're going to have to.
Or would you prefer to continue, closing your mind to your dh's private life?
You can't do that, can you?

I am so sorry this has happened. But it has, so when you've had a short while to deal with the shock, you need to start planning your life without him.

I am so sorry. A very close friend of mine discovered her husband on Grindr. Long story but she had her suspicions. She confronted her husband and he denied denied denied. They stayed together. Then last year she got very depressed, asked him again if he was gay and he admitted to it. Its a very sad situation. If he is gay then he is living a lie and not being true to himself or to you.

I found my ex husband on a gay/bi website. Found emails. He said he was just 'winding someone up'. I knew damn well he wasn't but was heavily pregnant and not working. Fast forward a few years and he admits to being bisexual. Deal breaker for me. Now I'm to blame for the divorce!

Again, it's not about his sexuality because the fact remains the same no matter what your sexuality, if you're in a monogamous relationship you don't go shopping for other potential partners.

Of course it's about his sexuality. He has deceived OP about his sexuality and his fidelity. It's far worse. I would tell him to leave.
Take control and don't listen to any bullshit from him. Of course he was on a gay dating site. He knew he was.

Joysmum I didn't see it as being about his sexuality. I saw it more as lies and deceit.

Personally I feel more sorry for my ex that he perceives he can't come out because of his job and family.

If it is the same case for you op then you have to do what's right for you. Do not rush to make a decision, take time. Just be extremely careful if you choose to have sex with him again.

Several years ago I had a party
My gay v good friend who used gaydar came along
A straight married male colleague (had child) came along

Imagin the surprise of both to meet there and realise they'd hooked up for few shags. Nothing said at party between them but colleague couldn't leave fast enough.

My friend told me he'd seen this guy on gaydar they'd hooked up for sex and his profile was of gay man looking for sex. He didn't know he was married or kid or anything - they met for sex only not chat. He was surprised he was married as he says usually can tell the men who are the 'straight ones looking for gay sex'.

The colleague got divorced few years after that and I always wondered if his wife had found out something. The colleague also remarried another woman after that......

Sorry OP
If you're on gaydar you're not just wondering and you're not just curious. You're on to hook up for sex with other men.

OP - when did you last set up a profile on a Lesbian dating site, just "to check that you're not a Lesbian"?

Utterly ridiculous thing for him to say.

He's either Gay or Bisexual. End of. Can you live with that? Personally for me, it would totally change every thought, that I had ever felt about my DH, as it makes him a different person altogether. I couldn't fancy him or be intimate with him ever again. I love his big macho persona. And I just wouldn't look at him the same, ever again.

whendoigetadayoff The married man at the party wasn't straight. He was Gay or Bi, but pretending to the world to be straight. For reasons only he will know.

Thanks for all messages, i only joined this yesterday as needed advice on this, not something i can tell my best friend.

I told him i will try and forgive him, but really im just thinking what to do, theres no way i will ever look at him the same way, you are all right you dont just go on a dating site to find out.

im really peed off, even his user name had a rude work in it w#nk, ive just gota make sure me and kids are ok first. i cant just turn there world up side down. grrrrrrr

So wierd when alot of men lie to there wifes, think its even worse as he probably gay then to marry me and since he joined that we had another baby.

Really thought i could trust him, that has gone, remeber ladies check your husbands email...... i really thought i could trust him, have never even seen him look and another woman, probably because he been looking at men, truley discusted, wasted 7 years of my life..........

BlondeOnATreadmill
He's either Gay or Bisexual. End of. Can you live with that? Personally for me, it would totally change every thought, that I had ever felt about my DH, as it makes him a different person altogether. I couldn't fancy him or be intimate with him ever again. I love his big macho persona. And I just wouldn't look at him the same, ever again.

What a load of homophobic drivel. Ignoring the OP's issue for a second, this is absolute crap. Masculinity is a construct that harms men. Gay or bisexual men can be 'big and macho'. There are lots of them. It sounds here like lots of gay men are having sex with men who are.
Reacting in that way to being let into a part of a close relative's private life should never evoke that kind of reaction. Especially in the case where a DP admits to being bisexual, in which case you are fully able to continue as a couple like before.

financialwizard
If you broke up with him because he said he was bisexual, then that is biphobic and you are responsible for the divorce. If you broke up with him because he lied about being on a dating site then you aren't.

emandems

" i cant just turn there world up side down. grrrrrrr"

It's not you who has done this - it's him.

He went on gaydar, not you. He caused this situation, not you.

Please don't blame yourself for any of the consequences.

i married him and cant be a single mum
Why not?
You wouldn't necessarily be a single mum.
You would co-parent with your kids father.
Don't ever underestimate yourself and what you are capable of.

This would also be a deal breaker for me. But we all have different boundaries and yours won't be the same as anyone else's.
If you can forgive and forget then that's fine.
If you can't then you need to make plans to separate.
You cannot live a half life. It's too short for that.

I think you'll need to do more than sweep this under the carpet and 'try' for the sake of the kids.

He is confused about his sexuality, or ashamed, but he's not honest either way. You need to talk to each other. This is a separate issue to the fact he is clearly looking for sex outside of the relationship.

I may get flamed for this, but I have some sympathy for him (on an emotional level). I don't agree, I don't condone, he's still a cheat (or a potential cheat, whatever). However, coming out isn't easy, nor black or white and although the deceit is wrong, the betrayal is huge; I feel that this is a complicated mess and one you can't ignore.

You need to decide how you co-parent your children, not how you hide from this.

Please find books of Bonnie Kaye. They will help to realize the situation. She helps women

was checking out gyms -ratings for cleanliness, availability of machines etc and to my surprise found a rating for sex activity in the male change rooms e.g. business men dropping by after work before they go home to families, for quickies with schoolboys. More fake heteros out there than we realise. Op you need to decide what kind of role model you want your dcc to have growing up and your h needs to be honest about whichever he is . And of course you can be a single mum- more than 50% of us manage it .

thanks, i really love him too and he was my best friend so its hard to just kick him out, also he says he is not gay, i dont know would a straight man just go on to have a look? he said he wanted to go on to see if men did fancy him and if he looked gay so he can make sense why that man did that to him when he was younger, but i really dont believe that.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I'm sure your head must be in an absolute spin. But he must be either gay or bi or else he just wouldn't have registered with gaydar.

Trust your instincts. Your relationship can't go forward unless he starts being honest. And don't be blindsided by the gay aspect. What would your reaction have been if you found out he was looking for women on Tinder?

OP.

Take your time to absorb the emotional shock around this.

Circa 6 months ago I found out my STBXH was cheating. And not just cheating with women.
For me, the sexual confusion element (and it's clear he is very confused) didn't really come into my thought process when I thought 'what do I do?'. He cheated on me, repeatedly. Time, energy and money that should have been devoted to me and our family hadn't been. He'd lied repeatedly. Heartbreaking.
Those were the reasons I ended the marriage. No discussion, no counselling.

IMO There is no way he is on Gaydar for any other reason other than to cheat.

To be clear I had suspected something wasn't right before I found the evidence. When MNetters tell you there is a cheaters script, they aren't wrong. When I confronted him (pre evidence) he went as far as swearing on our DC's lives that he had never cheated on me and that I was paranoid. . He would have done anything to maintain his veneer of respectability whilst he indulged his sexuality.

Take your time. Do what you need to do. But please don't fool yourself that he hasn't cheated on you.

I'll be officially single soon. It's been tough. It will continue to be tough. But I'd far rather be where I am as opposed to being with a cheater.

Hugs OP.