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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

found husband on gay website

201 replies

emandems · 07/01/2016 15:55

found through my husbands email he was on a gay website gaydar. he said he isnt gay but why on a dating site? he said he didnt know if he was?
he said he got abused as a kid in public toilet so he just wanted to make sure he wasnt gay, but dont know if he telling truth. im soo sad

OP posts:

Report

HermioneWeasley · 22/02/2022 19:52

@emandems

The simplest explanation is usually the best - your husband is on a gay dating site because he’s attracted to men. Whether he’s exclusively attracted to men and whether he’s been cheating on you are unknown, but I’d suggest it’s very likely he’s been hooking up if he’s getting messages,

Opentooffers · 22/02/2022 19:47

Oops! 👻

Opentooffers · 22/02/2022 19:47

There are more inocuous ways of finding out if gay or not - like if pics of the same sex turn you on, then gay porn. But he's on a dating site, so it's a fair bet that he can already say yes to the first 2 activities, this is a step up, and it's clear to anyone married that being on a dating site is out of order and crossing a line, whatever sexual orientation.
Yes he needs counselling if he's been abused, but that does not absolve what he's done.

maras2 · 22/02/2022 19:33

pinotpony
Thanks so much.
I think I love you.
(not gay or nuffin)

PinotPony · 22/02/2022 17:26

Erm... have you all gone a bit mad? This is a 7 year old zombie thread and the OP is nowhere to be seen!

@maras2 hasn't asked for any advice. She's just highlighted this is an old thread.

I think @ShowOfHands attempt at humour has been totally missed by @Pete121. To be fair, I wondered WTF coat hangers had to do with anything!

@Pete121 Please calm down. Try RTFT before going off on one.

Pete121 · 22/02/2022 15:54

What bollocks is that...

You speak "quite common"
As if your some sort of authority on the subject... Obviously a typical F Tory, a feeling of self entitlement...

It is not common at all. It may be in your dreary little life because you drive the men you see, to shagging other men as a better alternative to shagging you but I assure you, it is not common at all.

Sportslady44 · 22/02/2022 15:30

@LovelyFriend

Yes IME (and I have many gay male friends with direct experience of this one way or another), "Straight" married men having regular sexual hook ups or affairs with gay men is VERY common.

Many of these chaps will swear blind they are straight - but they simply like to shag men

I'm afraid it's extremely common and I think you should investigate further OP.

what does common mean?

Im sure there are plenty of men who arent remotely interested in shagging other men as you put it.

Pete121 · 22/02/2022 14:01

Exactly my point...

Give understandable advise that cannot be ambiguous else don't give any...!
Simple really

ShowOfHands · 21/02/2022 19:32

I was being facetious about Maras's need for unsolicited advice. I was offering tried and tested advice for unblocking a toilet, my point being that it's as useful as any other advice given that Maras isn't the one needing advice in the first place

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 21/02/2022 18:45

@ShowOfHands

You really have misunderstood me Pete!

I know it is a ZOMBIE thread - but what DID you mean @ShowOfHands by Maras, try a coat hanger. If that doesn't work and you've already tried hot water, it's probably best to move out

ShowOfHands · 21/02/2022 18:39

You really have misunderstood me Pete!

Pete121 · 21/02/2022 14:18

What a hateful insignificunt person you really are. What a horrible piece of advise to give someone. Why should she move out. She isnt the person with problem and neither is her Husband. Apparently this is a 7 year old post. It's great that they are still together and communicating with each other. If her Husband has fantasies about Gay men, then good for him. If his wife accepts this and they love each other, then great for her. This is one relationship that may well last the test of time.
Relationships are not just about what selfish spiteful little people can get out of their partners... It's about love, commitment, understanding. Its just sad that people like you have never felt such feelings so therefore they mustn't exist... For some people they do exist and thats not because they are weak. Its because they feel loved and needed and wanted and desired and sexy. And I bet Maras2 feels all of those things from her husband.

ShowOfHands · 21/02/2022 13:22

Can I give advice to maras as well?

Maras, try a coat hanger. If that doesn't work and you've already tried hot water, it's probably best to move out.

Pete121 · 21/02/2022 08:53

ShowOdHands
This is a reply to maras2 who is talking about her own thread...

Maras2, I am pleased you are both talking... Communication is vital in any relationship. I think your partner is trying to be open but fearful of your reaction but at least he is starting...? Tell him it's okay... TELL HIM ITS OKAY... treasure him. I know you love him and he loves you. I hope it all works out for you both x

maras2 · 20/02/2022 13:34

7 year old ZOMBIE THREAD

ShowOfHands · 20/02/2022 13:34

You need to start your own thread for advice really mjwaz.

mjwaz · 20/02/2022 13:26

Thankyou for your comments we have been together 4 years married 1 we do have a good relationship and I love him so much I think it was just a bit of a shock for me but I have spoken to him and he has said he’s not gay he’s not bi curious it is more of a fantasy for him.

Pete121 · 20/02/2022 04:20

Why are you sad? So unimpressed with so many people saying show him the door..! Really the question should be, how long have you both been together? Do you love him? TALK to him.. Tell him he can tell you anything, and don't judge him... LISTEN to him. This is YOUR partner? Not just someone who helps pay the bills! He is your partner?
What about you? How open and honest are you about every aspect of your life? How open and honest are you about every little thing that has ever happened in your life? You say he has told you he was abused! Have you led a completely "Nothing ever happened to me" life? No secret crushes you would rather forget or self deny? TALK to each other.. Tell each other everything about each other... Your desires, your fantasies, what turns you on, what or who you fantasise about when you masturbate? Leave nothing unsaid... You will find it so liberating to actually TALK & LISTEN to each other, no inhibitions just get it all out. Desires..? Ever had or fantasised about having a threesum? MMF or FFM?
It all depends on you both TALKING to each other and more importantly LISTENING to each other and being open and honest.
Good luck, remember... He is your partner, not just someone to help pay the bills...?

ForgottenWhyImHere · 19/02/2022 23:54

Apologies, because I haven't read everything.

It's not uncommon for closeted bi/gay men to say that past abuse is a source of confusion.

In my experience, if they're on dating/hookup apps it is generally more than curiosity.

For what it's worth, I also thought I couldn't lose my best friend and desperately didn't want the DC to have divorced parents. Four years on, I now see what a sham my marriage was. We co-parent. My ex has a serious boyfriend.

It's a lot more common than most people realise.

There is UK-based support at Straight Partners Anonymous (see attached poster).

found husband on gay website

FirstTimeSecondTime · 19/02/2022 23:15

@mjwaz this is a zombie thread. I would suggest you start your own one

mjwaz · 19/02/2022 23:08

Hi I would like some advice I’ve been with my husband for 4 years married for 1 year
But I have found my husband on fabguys.com he hasn’t ever said to me he is gay he says he is into women but on his profile he says he’s bi ?
Im not sure what to do ?

Plipplopbop · 25/06/2019 10:41

Cait, this is a zombie thread, I recommend starting your own thread as most people will skip past this when they see it started in 2016

LellyMcKelly · 25/06/2019 10:36

My husband was on Gaydar. Turned out he was gay. Denied it to himself and to me for too long. But he is gay. I’m not homophobic in any way, but I don’t want to be married to a man who isn’t interested in having sex with me.

Cait2019 · 25/06/2019 08:41

I have done something I am not proud off - I saw a text pop up on my boyfriend phone which confused me. So - yes I opened it. Which now I wish I hadn’t - they where messages and photos/videos off what they want to do to each other. Shock was not the word for it - they have meet from the sounds of the texts. How do I tell him I know that first he has cheated on me and 2nd it with a man.......I know it sounds draft but I don’t want him to know I went through his phone

areyoubeingserviced · 10/01/2016 09:00

Can't believe how this thread was derailed.
It is embarrassing.
So much attention seeking going on imho.

Hope that you are ok OP.

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