found husband on gay website

[emandems]

found through my husbands email he was on a gay website gaydar. he said he isnt gay but why on a dating site? he said he didnt know if he was?
he said he got abused as a kid in public toilet so he just wanted to make sure he wasnt gay, but dont know if he telling truth. im soo sad

[shovetheholly]

I'm so sorry this has happened.

I have a group of unattached gay friends, and it's really common for them to pick up and sleep with married or heterosexually-partnered guys. If your DH has been a member of the site for a while, I'd suggest that it's unlikely he's 'just curious' and hasn't taken this further. You can watch gay porn online at the drop of a hat if you want to 'test' your sexuality - Gaydar is a pretty notorious online cruising ground for those who want something physical.

[fidel1ne]

Do you believe that he was abused? Have you suggested counselling?

[Redglitter]

To be fair Betty I'd don't think the STD check.suggestion is in anyway homophobic. Getting checked is standard advice on any thread where someone has found their partner has been cheating

[Goingtobeawesome]

im really sorry but being abused as a kid does not mean you need to check you aren't gay. The abuser is the gay one. If either is.

Him saying I don't know that I am on one means he is hiding that he is, has registered on a dating site that he didn't realise is for gay men or he is talking nonsense for another bizarre reason.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

MN threads always advise STD checks where cheating is suspected. It's just common sense.

[BitOutOfPractice]

What's homophobic about suggesting an STD check? That is always suggested on threads where partners have been on hook up / escort / "dating" sites.

Op that sounds like a pretty lame excuse I'm afraid

[Wolpertinger]

OP he quite probably isn't gay. What he almost certainly is is unfaithful and somehow in his head if he's having sex with a man, it doesn't count, a bit like if he's straight he can't be gay.

As others have said, there are lots of men who don't categorise themselves as gay or bi but very definitely are men who have sex with men. I suspect this is what your husband is, or at the very least is thinking about.

[fidel1ne]

im really sorry but being abused as a kid does not mean you need to check you aren't gay. The abuser is the gay one. If either is.

It wouldn't be unusual for it to cause confusion.

One of the most confusing and shame-inducing aspects of childhood sexual abuse is the enjoyable sensations that the victim sometimes experiences. That can cause issues later on.

[fidel1ne]

He could be making the whole thing up to excuse his cheating, OTOH.

[lexlees]

Mitzylefrouf - well its good to learn something new. I always feel like I am the last to know the latest things!

[noeffingidea]

Of course going for an STD check isn't being homophobic. There does seem to be an upwards trend of not using condoms amongst gay men (and probably amongst hetrosexuals as well).

[Fairenuff]

He shouldn't be on any dating website, gay or straight should he?

Fwiw one of my friends found out her dh was gay through finding him on gay websites. They had been married for years and had three children.

[Joysmum]

It doesn't matter if he's straight or bi, he meant to be in a monogamous relationship and isn't being monogamous.

Get STD tested and don't get distracted by his sexuality, what important is that he either is unfaithful if he is trying to be. Your focus should be on that.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Straight men do NOT sleep with men. They sleep with women. Period.

Men who label themselves as Straight, but then sleep with men, are men who are suppressing their real sexuality (be it Gay or Bi), as they want to appear to the world as Straight. Perhaps for fear of hurting family or harming their career. They live a double life.

Two very, very different scenarios.

[NewLife4Me]

I don't know what would upset me more tbh
Dh has told me everything about his past and something like being abused is something you'd know about in the first few weeks/months of a relationship.

Gay porn, well maybe he is just curious but it doesn't sound like he is telling you the truth.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

I've just been surprised by the amount of young men who lead a double life with a wife at home and flings with men on the side. Clearly there are still a lot of men in their 20s and 30s who don't feel comfortable coming out.

Personally it would make me question my whole relationship from day one. Were they ever attracted to me, was it a chore for them to have sex with me, was it all a lie?

I'd be very angry.

[Polgara25]

There is no point in trying to work out if this man is gay or straight, or if the abuse story is true or not.

Who cares?

I spent ages trying to work it out with my ex. I never did figure it out and it really doesn't matter.

Seriously, emandems it's a waste of energy.

[RedRainRocks]

Its becoming more accepted, although clearly not here that an individual can consider themselves straight - and want a partnership with someone of the opposite sex and yet still be sexually attracted to people of the same gender. Human Sexuality is not an either/or...we are all somewhere on the spectrum and it's the black and white you are one or the other, is really unhelpful for a number of people.

That said - you're in a monogamous relationship then you shouldn't be on any dating website. He's a cheat - and if he hasn't actually done anything yet it's only a matter of time. I'd let him figure out his sexuality all on his own and leave.

[pocketsaviour]

without wishing to derail

NewLife4Me
something like being abused is something you'd know about in the first few weeks/months of a relationship.

This is simply untrue. Male survivors especially have a very hard time disclosing their abuse as society has conditioned them to think that men should not be victims. If they are straight and the abuser was male, they will have a very difficult time talking about it as they often fear it has "made me secretly gay".

My H and I volunteered with rape survivors and with men at least half would start the conversation "I've never told anybody about it."

I couldn't hazard a guess whether this was true or likely in the OP's H's case. Regardless, he shouldn't be on any type of hookup website if he's in a monogamous marriage.

[Wolpertinger]

pocketsaviour agree. It took my mum 50 years to disclose her abuse - my dad had no idea. She was also 99.9% certain my dad had been abused based on her experiences with him, her own experience and what he was prepared to say - but he never ever fully admitted it in so many words and even then that was only after they had been married for 40 odd years.

2 inexperienced people in the first weeks of a relationship - no chance.

[emandems]

Thanks for all comments, i only found emails today, i feel very bad and shaking, we have two children together too, i dont think he is telling me the truth about when he was younger.
my only problem is he saying he never cheated, but how can i believe that now, i married him and cant be a single mum..
just dont no how to get over this. thanks guys means alot i have no one to talk to about this

[Cachareltastic]

Is he looking or registered. If the latter I would ask him for access to his account to see what he has been up to.

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

Your only problem is not that he said he hasn't cheated, your problem is that your dh is looking for sex elsewhere

What did the emails say?

[Bubblesinthesummer]

something like being abused is something you'd know about in the first few weeks/months of a relationship.

Completely disagree.

[Tweetypie100]

Sorry but no no no!

Have you confronted him? See what he says but this is crazy. I think without knowing your relationship at all he probably needs to go away and think carefully about what he wants.

To tell you the truth if my husband was on a gay website I would chuck him out. But that's just me.