How to discipline and salvage some kind of relationship with DD.

[Givemestrength100]

DD 14 has been quite challenging for about 18 months. I am a single parent and find myself crying (pathetic I know and no not infront of her) due to her behaviour. She is so rude and abrupt 24/7 , she is constantly ready to jump down my throat and it doesn't take much. She is on her phone pretty much 24/7 comes down to eat then vanishes again. I just feel she has completely disconnected with me she doesn't even look at me and never asks how I am or engages in conversation with me. She is also very difficult at school and sees camhs regularly. She is just so selfish and rude I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and there is a major atmosphere between us, I try and chat but either get no reply or an angry one word. I just attempted to have a rational conversation with her about the amount of time she spends on her phone and got back "you know nothing about nothing shut up will you" so I respond that if she can't speak to me with respect she can hand her phone over (contract I pay for) she just said "I'm not handing it over if you take it I'll run away" then stormed off on the phone seeking more negative attention telling everyone how awful I am. I have tried to pick my battles etc but she is in battle mode 24/7 so simply asking how she is resorts in "you always ask me that for gods sake".
Not sure where the hell I went wrong but something needs to change.

I think my teen must have moved in with you. She's exactly the same. She has only managed 1 broken evening with us on Xmas day and the rest of the time she has been holed up in her hovel with her beloved phone. I have all but given up for now. I've just made it clear I am here if she wants to talk and I've left her to it.

They apparently turn human again sometime between 18 and 20.

Ticktacktock I'm not alone .
I think it's all the more intense as its just me and her so if she's at home I think oh that will be nice I'll get us a film or something but I may as well be home alone. She was so sweet till puberty hit was kind, helpful and just lovely where is that girl. She is boyfriend obsessed and only cares for them. It sounds childish but it pisses me off as when she's with his family she's all butter wouldn't melt "I'll do the washing up, thanks so much for a lovely dinner" then comes home and turns into a lazy rude brat. I'm not sure whether to just stop making the effort but she's quite happy sitting in a stoney silence that way her phone can have full attention.

18-20 that's 4-6 years....

I would seriously end the phone contract. When is it actually up?

Oh mines the same. She's a member of several groups, and the last meeting I went to where she was a key player, I had people coming over saying how amazing she is, how polite, how mature, always willing to help. She clearly has a frontal lobotomy before she arrives at the groups.

On the phone thing, her data is capped. She uses her allowance in 3 to 5 days, then spends the rest of the month relying on WiFi. I have 2 WiFi in the house and I turn the dc's WiFi off at about 9 15 on weekdays and 11 at weekends.

Getting the phone off her was a nightmare, so now I don't need to, and as I don't need to ask her for the phone and can block her from afar, its great, and she has come to accept it.

Incidentally, she had her phone removed for 3 days before Xmas as a consequence to a serious incident. She was a different girl, and was downstairs with us as nothing else to do. A real pleasure. When she got the phone back she turned back into an alien.

Yes, restrict data allowance on phone

Age 18 - 20? I've got two months left... Not looking likely!

The phone contract still has about 15 months and the cancellation fee would be huge. Practically she needs a phone but not an iPhone I might buy her a brick for when she's being an ass which is about 91% of the time at the moment.

The other thing that drives me potty is when she's in a rage with me shouty, irrational and rude then 2 seconds later I hear her giggling on the phone , I know I shouldn't take it personally but I do I feel like she hates me and no idea why.
I had DD when I was very young and have tried my absolute best but just feel it's falling apart very quickly. She thinks she's one of the cool kids which in my opinion seems to involve being a bratty pain who is quite entitled who isn't very nice to anyone or refuses try hard at anything. She is constantly rowing with friends and creating dramas. This all sounds very harsh and in a few days I may feel differently but it has been such a difficult holidays I just feel fed up.

You cannot get your DD to be nice to you through brute force, OP. It sounds as if she manages just fine to be polite and cooperative with people she respects and likes.

What is her school like?

I don't think trying to chat to her is brute force?? She manages to be nice and polite to her boyfriend and his family. She is not polite or cooperative at school and spends at least 50% of the time in isolation and has been on report for 2 years. She is fine as long as you don't ask anything of her, try and talk to her, remind her of homework etc.

Taking away her DD's phone would be brute force and unbelievably cruel.

It sounds as if she hates her school. This isn't necessarily the wrong attitude - without knowing more about the school it's impossible to judge.

I am also a single parent with a 14 year old dd and a 13 year old ds. I feel your pain! I do think being a single parents adds to the intensity of everything,and it can be quite isolating,living with people who don't seem to like you.
What I do is try to set up things they will enjoy I will ask nicely eg it would be lovely if you come swimming,if they seem reluctant I will say well you are not going on your phone PS 4 if you stay.,If they are very disrespectful I will remove some priveledge but not in the heat of the moment.eg dd was rude to me the other day I was going out,so she went in the shower I took her laptop left a pleasant note saying you can get it back when you are polite.
My dd is doing well at school,if she wasn't behaving I would lay out her options as a choice she is making you choose to behave or you will choose to loose your phone.Life has consequences.
I am not being glib I know how hard this is,she us testing you because like me ,you are her only rock,its shit ,but true.

I'm not sure I agree. Why should I pay for something when she has 0 respect its a privilege to have an iPhone surely privileges should be earnt. School are generally supportive and do try very hard to manage her but are getting a bit fed up now she's on her fourth last chance as she disrupts the learning of others and can be a risk health and safety wise.

The phone isn't a privilege in this day and age.

It sounds as if your DD hates/despises school and you but doesn't hate or despise her boyfriend and his family. What are they like?

Unbelievably cruel? What a wild over reaction. There are truly cruel parents out there, they don't look like OP to me.

Removing a phone from a young person who has no functional family relationship would be isolating in the extreme.

The issue here is to understand why the DD hates/despises her mother and school (neither of which relationship she chose) but is seemingly fully functional in her chosen relationships.

My dd is the same. The thing with confiscating screens is there is always another one eg phone, ipad, laptop, Nintendo, Xbox, tv so she will just move on to that and then I feel what's the point?

Is it possible to move her into a different school?

Wow Bobo you love the hates/despises ! she hates school because there is an expectation she has to do something she doesn't want to do which is work, this disrupts her from what she wants to which is chat. She hates/despises me because recently I have had to say no quite a lot to requests to have bf sleepover, to buying vodka, to telling her off because she allowed her friends to smoke in my house, for reminding her to do hw/pack school bag , for asking her to take her plate to the kitchen, for asking her to get off her phone at midnight when she has to be up at 6.30 for various other reasons such as waking her up for school.

I do collect all the devices from my dc at 9pm and then charge them overnight. I have always done it so they accept it. If I left them in their rooms they would be on them during the night. This is an issue for all parents and I think some are more lenient than others and just turn a blind eye.

What is her boyfriend's family like? And why do you think your DD has no work ethic and no personal discipline?

I have no idea she has got worse since bf she seems obsessed with him and can't focus on anything else. His family are nice they have issues with him so they like to chat about how cruel we all are.

In the absence of strong functional family and friend relationships your DD will be over involved with her boyfriend.

Have you got a counsellor for you?