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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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How to discipline and salvage some kind of relationship with DD.

155 replies

Givemestrength100 · 03/01/2016 22:19

DD 14 has been quite challenging for about 18 months. I am a single parent and find myself crying (pathetic I know and no not infront of her) due to her behaviour. She is so rude and abrupt 24/7 , she is constantly ready to jump down my throat and it doesn't take much. She is on her phone pretty much 24/7 comes down to eat then vanishes again. I just feel she has completely disconnected with me she doesn't even look at me and never asks how I am or engages in conversation with me. She is also very difficult at school and sees camhs regularly. She is just so selfish and rude I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and there is a major atmosphere between us, I try and chat but either get no reply or an angry one word. I just attempted to have a rational conversation with her about the amount of time she spends on her phone and got back "you know nothing about nothing shut up will you" so I respond that if she can't speak to me with respect she can hand her phone over (contract I pay for) she just said "I'm not handing it over if you take it I'll run away" then stormed off on the phone seeking more negative attention telling everyone how awful I am. I have tried to pick my battles etc but she is in battle mode 24/7 so simply asking how she is resorts in "you always ask me that for gods sake".
Not sure where the hell I went wrong but something needs to change.

OP posts:
BoboChic · 04/01/2016 07:59

It sounds very much as if your DD doesn't have any external or internal locus of control right now. You need to work on providing an external one as a matter of urgency.

Potatoface2 · 04/01/2016 08:03

wow....was thinking of starting a thread asking for advice about daughter, i dont need to bother cos op has !!!...mines 17 and she is the same, apparently she has ' a life to lead' and doesnt think this should include picking up her dirty washing, tidying the bathroom after shes covered it in hair dye, bringing cups, plates, glasses etc down from her bedroom, putting empty and half empty fast food containers in the dusbin, cleaning her room, not getting out of bed if she has a free day, but can be up and ready in 30 minutes if her boyfriend calls....the latest thing was getting acrylic paint on a white carpet in spare bedroom and leaving it and then complaining when i moaned at her about it....she is currently punishing me by staying at her boyfriends parents house (i said that wont last when his mum sees your dirty knockers all over the place)...i expect to see her later today cos i have cancelled the money i pay into her bank account each month and she will be WONDERING why she hasnt recieved it!!! (new carpet!)

Potatoface2 · 04/01/2016 08:04

sorry not knockers, knickers lol

Hay135 · 04/01/2016 08:09

If you limit her phone time you will see a difference. It will be a battle at first but don't ask her to give you the phone you need to tell her it needs to be put somewhere downstairs by day 9pm weekday and maybe later on weekends. Tell her if she doesn't do it you will sell the phone or use it yourself and get her a basic calls and text model.
It will be a battle, you need to remind her who is pays the bill etc
Good luck

PitPatKitKat · 04/01/2016 08:09

Sorry to hear this GiveMeStrength100. Think TickTackTock has some really good ideas to restrict phone/wifi use without removing the phone entirely- similarly your idea to have a basic phone that she could instead of iphone is a really good one.

I was a only child of a single parent, and one thing I do remember struggling with as a teen because that is a very intense of relationship. I particularly struggled with was being expected to be a sort of partner for my mum at times. This might not be the case in your situation of course, but I thought it worth mentioning in case it is making your DD feel a bit overwhelmed.

I struggled with it because I knew I would fail, as a teenage girl can't be a grown man/woman. I did try my best financially, emotionally and socially. And I was also at times a bit of a nightmare I am sure.

But it did kind of use me up a bit- I know my studies suffered, that other relationships suffered and that our long-term relationship suffered. In hindsight, I see that it was a really tough situation all round and we both did our best to plug the gaps and make choices that wouldn't put pressure on the other (she could have gotten married but both she and her bf had seen their kids struggle with the dynamics of a blended family with the former partner's situation, so in the end decided not to, I opted to work and contribute from 14 and also stayed at home to go to university when I could have gone away).

I also now see how the real pressure was put on us by a) my dad's actions and b) societies attitude to single parents. But at 14 I saw how my life was harder than a lot of my friends and I didn't really understand why, or what I had done to deserve that.

I also knew I had to pretend that everything was fine with friends and people at school otherwise I wouldn't be accepted, so I did what I thought those people expected for acceptance, well because school is social minefield as a teen at the best of times. This probably included bad behaviour at times. I was so desperate for social acceptance because of unprocessed hurt over my father's disappearance from my life (just the gap in attention that having only parent leaves) and also because I saw how hard it was for my mum to be a socially isolated single parent and I really didn't want to be socially isolated myself. So maybe your daughter plays nice with some people for social acceptance, and acts up alongside others for social acceptance.

And with me, all that confusion/resentment came out in the direction of my mum sometimes because 1) I trusted her not just to abandon me if I showed my real feelings 2) She was the one who was around most often so saw my confused and tired times the most and 3) I had a bit of a incoherent sense of it being my dad's fault and as he wasn't around my mum was the closest thing to my dad. As an adult, I realised that doesn't make sense, but being 14 isn;t the same as being an adult.

But with hindsight I do also see how some things could have gone better and how we could have found the intellectual and emotional friendship we found as adults a bit quicker.

So, if there is any element of co-dependency it might be helpful to separate out some of your expectations. I.e. 1. what is polite and respectful behaviour that you can expect from a teen (even though they are going through massive hormonal changes that rewrite their brain), 2. the social contact/emotional connection that is reasonable to expect from a child/teen, and 3. the social contact/emotional connection that a partner would provide.

Anyway, sorry that was long but I thought it might help.

Givemestrength100 · 04/01/2016 08:10

Welcome potatoe face I feel your pain DD thinks I'm out to ruin her life by saying no to these requests and "everyone else's parents let their bfs sleepover and buy them vodka" Hmm.

How do I get internal locus control ? No I don't have a counsellor Confused. She does and anger management but she says its for hippies and doesn't engage hoping she will soon.

OP posts:
Givemestrength100 · 04/01/2016 08:21

Hay 135 really good post I do feel our relationships a bit intense at times. I don't rely on her like a partner but as an eg she went out with a friend nye and asked if we could spend the day watching films New Year's Day and asked for a steak. I brought films and steak she ignored her phone all day then text at 6 to say she wasn't coming back as trains were cancelled (they weren't ). So I kind of felt a bit resentful that we had plans so I didn't make any other arrangements.

OP posts:
thisismypassword · 04/01/2016 08:31

Bobochic you are talking crap. I presume you didn't grow up in an era without mobiles! You absolutely DON'T need one and it seems to be causing the problems. It's the REASON she's isolated - any berk can see that! I would take the phone off her all together... Who cares about 15 months remaining --- her respect is priceless! She simply cannot pick and choose who to be nice to. I'd ground her and stop her from seeing the boyfriend. She can't treat you like shit. End of.

thisismypassword · 04/01/2016 08:33

Potatoface: do my do her washing,let it pile up and see what she does. do you give her money? Stop if you do as she's clearly not earning it!

thisismypassword · 04/01/2016 08:35

*dont do her washing

GloriousSlug · 04/01/2016 08:36

I'd be interested to know whether Bobo has children and if you do, how old are they?

PitPatKitKat · 04/01/2016 08:42

Hello, So for stuff like NYD, don't rely on her, make other plans- if she sees that you have other options 1) she won't feel pressure to be with you/ feel your resentment later and 2) she will see that, just like with her friends/boyfriends/their parents, there are standards that need to be met if she is going to spend time with you (reliability in this case but it could be other things). If she sees you can't just be let down again and again she will respect you more (don't be too hard about it, she is a teen and it does sound a bit like she has some insecurity issues, she does need to be able to rely on you, but don't leave yourself open to being let down especially on special occasions).

It will also be easier for you to discipline her about other things like politeness and respect (e.g. by swapping her iphone for a brick) without it being so emotive. And she won't be able to fling that you're just doing it cos you are upset back in your face either.

maybebabybee · 04/01/2016 08:49

Taking away her DD's phone would be brute force and unbelievably cruel

Mad overreaction, but not surprising given that you were arguing making kids do chores round the house was slave labour on another thread Hmm

Could you possibly make a rule that she doesn't have her phone after a certain time at night, eg 8pm? Then you could sit and watch TV/play a game together.

Teenagers are really tricky. My DSIS has only just entered the rebellious phase though and she has just turned 18 so she's obviously a late bloomer! DBRO 14 is a bit grunty and phone/girl obsessed but basically nice (touch wood, watch that change!). You have to remember that a lot of this is normal and not your fault. Though of course it's in no way acceptable. The problem is you're so self centred when you're a teen that you think no one else is important.

I agree with remaining un-emotional in front of her as best you can (not sure I'd be able to follow my own advice there though) and just calmly stating facts/rules regardless of how much she strops.

OurBlanche · 04/01/2016 09:03

It sounds very much as if your DD doesn't have any external or internal locus of control right now. You need to work on providing an external one as a matter of urgency

Wow! Where, exactly, would you buy one of those, bobo?

I get it, your username explains it, you are a psychology student, yay! Sadly you haven't yet got past the theory. The application of theory to real life is a truly tricky thing. You don't provide LOC. Each individual has to see the need to change their behaviour, to make changes on their automatic action:reaction patterns.

LOC is not given, it is sought out, worked on and, most importantly, not forced. Self belief, self confidence and self esteem ... note the common factor there self!

SheGotAllDaMoves · 04/01/2016 09:11

DD is convinced that some girls she knows are addicted to their phones.

They are checking them/posting/sending messages at all types of mad hours. And even when they are with friends they are still checking them.

She describes it as some sort of extreme FOMO. That the fear of being disconnected rules their real lives and their real life connections.

Naturally, like any addict, they will seek out the company of those in a similar state and become aggressive to those who are trying to break them of their addcition (usually their parents).

hellsbellsmelons · 04/01/2016 09:13

I feel for you.
I've got the t-shirt and the mug and any other thing you can thing of.
But... my DD is now lovely.
She changed around 16 YO.
She works hard, she hardly ever drinks, she does amateur dramatics, she has a lovely boyfriend, she tidies her room, does her own washing, etc...
It was an absolute revelation when she did change.
She's nearly 18 and doing so well and I'm very proud of her.
That is so far from where she was at 13. God she was awful.
I did read a book that helped at bit but TBH it's so hard and nothing you do is right.

THIS is the book. Bit American and repetitive and some didn't apply as I am also a single parent, but it did help.
She was also referred to CAHMS and had anger management which helped a lot.
I wish you all the best. It will pass but so many of us know just how hard it can be.
Keep writing things down here as an outlet.

Griffney · 04/01/2016 09:16

Bobochic sorry but you sound like someone who has no concept of what a parent actually does. I'd be amazed if you were a mother with kids.

educationforlife · 04/01/2016 09:30

I sympathise. When my eldest was your daughter's age, I had a running tab with the plasterer because of door slamming.
I suspect every parent in the world has has had 'You are rubbish; all my friends go to all night raves with vodka now they are 13'
I definitely probably don't know the half of what mine got up to - but they are alive and well, passed all their exams and have friends.
However, Two things worry me about your daughter's behaviour.
I did not face these, so my thoughts might be way off mark.

  1. Over-investment in boyfriend - will end in tears - however, I am struggling to think of anything you can do about this except maybe invite him to spend more time at your house?
  2. School - this is what would worry me most. Playing up at school is a sign of real unhappiness (playing up at home is not, necessarily). I would investigate this further - why is she so unhappy at school? is she lonely/bullied/struggling with schoolwork?
Hang on in there - she needs you
BoboChic · 04/01/2016 10:08

You can't break a phone addiction by removing the phone by force. Any addiction is a symptom of some form of dysfunction/maladjustment and it is that which needs addressing.

OurBlanche · 04/01/2016 10:25

I suspect you can, Bobo. No, I know you can. T'ain't pleasant but Cold Turkey, as it has long been known, does work!

Pidapie · 04/01/2016 10:27

I was like this! It passes :P

BoboChic · 04/01/2016 10:33

No you can't. The only person who can make cold turkey work is the addict themselves. You have to own any decision to go cold turkey and you also have to adjust your life so that your crutch is no longer required, or else you will transfer your addiction to something else.

Ticktacktock · 04/01/2016 10:37

You're goady bobo. Taking a phone is unbelievably cruel? Hilarious. Child abuse is, and torture too but taking a phone? Ffs. Go on, enlighten us with your wondrous parenting and your methods

BoboChic · 04/01/2016 10:41

The OP is describing a child who is clearly very distressed and maladjusted. Punishing her further by removing a crutch is pointless and cruel.

maybebabybee · 04/01/2016 10:44

I thought this kind of glued to phone behaviour was fairly normal for teenagers, tbh. Didn't realise it was some kind of mental illness now Hmm

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