How to discipline and salvage some kind of relationship with DD.

[Givemestrength100]

DD 14 has been quite challenging for about 18 months. I am a single parent and find myself crying (pathetic I know and no not infront of her) due to her behaviour. She is so rude and abrupt 24/7 , she is constantly ready to jump down my throat and it doesn't take much. She is on her phone pretty much 24/7 comes down to eat then vanishes again. I just feel she has completely disconnected with me she doesn't even look at me and never asks how I am or engages in conversation with me. She is also very difficult at school and sees camhs regularly. She is just so selfish and rude I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and there is a major atmosphere between us, I try and chat but either get no reply or an angry one word. I just attempted to have a rational conversation with her about the amount of time she spends on her phone and got back "you know nothing about nothing shut up will you" so I respond that if she can't speak to me with respect she can hand her phone over (contract I pay for) she just said "I'm not handing it over if you take it I'll run away" then stormed off on the phone seeking more negative attention telling everyone how awful I am. I have tried to pick my battles etc but she is in battle mode 24/7 so simply asking how she is resorts in "you always ask me that for gods sake".
Not sure where the hell I went wrong but something needs to change.

[AnnP1963]

I think she sounds sad. I really do having all these friends on her phone is no substitute for real friends. Try to encourange her to go out more and not sit on her phone looking at other peoples lives. Maybe talk to her form tutor discreatly and ask if there are any problems at school. In my experience girls are stroppy from the ages of about 14 to 22 then things tend to even out. Luckily mine went to uni and the break was good for everyone. I do wish you luck i'm sure that you will be ok in the end.
x

[schlong]

I forgive you too. Not getting the irony though.

Not reading full thread syndrome strikes again dibaba and puzzled. In my first post way upthread I advised op to get rid of her dd's phone and I'm very much pro firm boundaries Youngsters' (and our) pathological attachment to their phones is both a cause and symptom of their malaise imo.

My last post was just a riposte to pallasthena's "when I were a lad" everything was better one. But s/he has since admitted it was ironic. Right.

[pallasathena]

Dear Schlong,

may I point out that I was being ironic. May I also point out that part of the problem is people getting so bloody offended over a point of view, observation or even....an idea, that doesn't conform, that's a bit 'different'.
In addition, have you ever heard of Ad Hominem? Its where someone attacks the individual instead of the argument. By asserting that I'm a reactionary for expressing a point of view you disagree with you have committed an ad hominem - but I forgive you!

[Dibaba]

Schlong I don't agree with you either. Most of the teenagers I see have a very easy life! Most of the so called peer pressure and bullying is solved very easily by switching off their phones!

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Sorry sclong but I can't agree. Growing up has always presented issues, but If it's true that this is the worst time to be doing it in, isn't that even more reason to offer young people proper boundaries and guidance, so they have a framework to help them through it?

Today's traditional/more liberal parents aren't living in parallel universes, though it can sometimes look that way ... but IME it's the parents who offer real structure who tend to raise more balanced sons and daughters, and sometimes (though this obviously doesn't apply to everyone) those who insist that really poor behaviour is "just what teenagers do" can simply be looking for an excuse for poor parenting

[schlong]

Who let miss/mr reactionary pallasthena in? Your hackneyed call to old fashioned values ignores the fact that today's teens are actually more depressed than yesteryears. They're more subject to pressure, the all consuming dogma of purely monetary worth, increasing insecurity, no future prospects, multiple wars, state sponsored terrorism, genuine terrorism, social net being slashed. This is the worst time to be growing up in generations and it's all the fault of those elders you say youngsters should blindly obey. Get that coat of yours and I'll get off me soap box.

[amarmai]

it's NOT a compliment -rather the opposite and it's a choice on the part of the teenagers who are getting off on their power trips . I think there shd be consequences as it's not good for the teenagers to be able to behave outrageously nor for the parents who are being told they have to suffer and accept it .

[Dibaba]

My dd1 is now 16 and has never been a horrible teenager.

We've had rows but nothing LIKE some of the stories on here.

My dd2 is shaping up to be a completely different matter

[pallasathena]

Yes, but its generational. Didn't happen in previous generations due to several factors, not least the fear of consequences. Socially embedded respect for ones elders, people in authority and the old fashioned notion that adults were in charge created lines that if crossed, would result in consequences that were often severe.

[iPaid]

Most teenage girls are horrible

They most certainly are not.

[VintageTrouble]

Wow OP you are doing a great job ! all Most teenage girls are horrible, I know I was. And why was I so horrible to my mum? Because out of everyone in the world I knew she would love me regardless.

I was reading an article on why when children start school they are well behaved at school and demons at home. It's because home is a safe and secure place to act out, they can push boundaries, be grumpy, shout and cry and know that they will still be looked after. Which is what your DD is doing albeit in a different manner.

So take it as a compliment that she is so horrible to you

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

amarmai: no, there's full gender equality contempt. Slightly more circumspect for me, because I was willing to call the police. I was also willing to put her into respite fostering; one of her acquaintances was branded and lost a tooth during a week away, so her sense of self preservation prevailed. Both options would have ended the marriage.

What fun it all wasn't.

[Monty27]

There is a lot of sensible advice on here. OP your dd is not different, she's just trying to find her feet.

[SSargassoSea]

I think PitpatKitkat had some very sensible advice on page 2, particularly about co-dependency.

[Samantha28]

Well we don't have any sanctions, do we ? Apart from removing the phone .

You can't make them go to school, although you will be punished if they don't attend .

You can't make them stay in, although you will be judged if they are out in the streets until all hours.

They can even hit you and their younger siblings and smash up your home . And all that happens is that a social worker will ask you what you did to make them so angry. Then take your child out of school and to McDonald's for a chat .

In previous generations they would have been expected to move out and get a job.

[amarmai]

is it part of the backlash against women -or do they also get carte blanche to hate their fathers?

[pallasathena]

That's true. There's more to it though. Why do some teenagers hate their mothers? A bit like Everest expect. Because it/they're there...so why not, who's to stop them?
Because no-one actually stands up and says its wrong to behave like that because we're all so understanding these days.
Because we believe the hype about teenagers and hormones and our expectations are so removed from the expectations of previous generations...and because they can and do get away with it in some cases. And because society expects mothers to be saintly, endlessly forgiving and happy to oblige in the whole adolescent social construct. And because it wouldn't do to let on that the whole idea of 'the teenager,' was invented post war with the emergence of the teddy-boys and the James Dean school of smouldering angst in the film Rebel Without a Cause. Prior to that, 'teenagers,' went down the pit or up a chimney and hadn't the energy for moaning and being horrible.
I'll get my coat....

[Samantha28]

Because anyone else they treated this badly would leave

[amarmai]

but why do teenagers hate their mothers ?

[Dachshund]

As many others have said ignore Bobo, I doubt she was ever a teenager herself given the pious tone

I was a real shit to my mum from the ages of 14 to about 18. Terribly ashamed of it now and we are best friends. It's like others have said, she can take every frustration out on you because she is completely and absolutely secure in your love and unwavering support. So take that as a comfort? My mum had my dad there to help and back her up and she's still told me that having to accept my hatred for those few years was the most difficult thing she's done. I wish you all the luck in the world; she will come out the other side a nice person I'm sure, you sound like a lovely mum

[MrsJayy]

Aww does she 1 of mine went to cahms (at 14) and went on her own they went into school do you feel its helping

[Givemestrength100]

I would rather she went in alone but she insists I'm there ! x

[Monty27]

She's confused. So are you because you don't understand where you went wrong. You didn't. She's trying to find her feet, like a toddler. Its a very difficult time for her as with most children that age, and you are trying to be both parents.

My dd turned herself around, she is 22 now and brilliant. And I'm not being smug because DS is 20 and still really difficult, but getting there very slowly.

Don't pander to them, just nurture them, they start smiling eventually when they need their mum to turn to. And they do. Best wishes

[LizKeen]

Do you think she would engage more if you didn't go in? At 14 I wouldn't have opened up in front of my mum. Though, you sound nothing like my mum and in my situation my mum was the problem. But maybe she needs to have a private space for her to work through all of this on her own.

NYD sounds a bit like she panicked and rather than try to have a nice day she would just ruin it from the outset. A lot of what you describe sounds self sabotaging.

[Givemestrength100]

No not confidential I go in with her. They are very helpful and supportive. As for NYD I think a better offer came along but it might have been planned who knows!