How to discipline and salvage some kind of relationship with DD.

[Givemestrength100]

DD 14 has been quite challenging for about 18 months. I am a single parent and find myself crying (pathetic I know and no not infront of her) due to her behaviour. She is so rude and abrupt 24/7 , she is constantly ready to jump down my throat and it doesn't take much. She is on her phone pretty much 24/7 comes down to eat then vanishes again. I just feel she has completely disconnected with me she doesn't even look at me and never asks how I am or engages in conversation with me. She is also very difficult at school and sees camhs regularly. She is just so selfish and rude I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and there is a major atmosphere between us, I try and chat but either get no reply or an angry one word. I just attempted to have a rational conversation with her about the amount of time she spends on her phone and got back "you know nothing about nothing shut up will you" so I respond that if she can't speak to me with respect she can hand her phone over (contract I pay for) she just said "I'm not handing it over if you take it I'll run away" then stormed off on the phone seeking more negative attention telling everyone how awful I am. I have tried to pick my battles etc but she is in battle mode 24/7 so simply asking how she is resorts in "you always ask me that for gods sake".
Not sure where the hell I went wrong but something needs to change.

Unhealthy relationships with technology have been a MH for teens for a while, ever since the advent of computer/video games.

There's being glued and being glued though.

Teens do check their phones more than we adults, but when they're disengaging from RL, anxious /angry at the idea of being without their phone, using their phone when they should be asleep or working, then there is a problem that needs addressing.

MH issue

I think bobo's turn of phrase is unfortunate, but I actually agree with her. I never believed unilateral parenting decisions resolved serious problems. One friend confiscated her daughter's phone because she spent day and night talking to her boyfriend, and the daughter just got another one - secretly.

Taking away her DD's phone would be brute force and unbelievably cruel

I disagree and I think you are being OTT.

OP I've raised two boys single handedly, and I would not allow my children to speak to me the way your daughter has. Take the phone away, do not reward her disrespectful behaviour, you need to set clear boundaries otherwise I fear she will just become worse and know she can get away with it.

She is also emotionally blackmailing you by threatening to run away. Her phone is HER Achilles heel, use it to your advantage.

Wow, I have been feeling a bit despondent about my relationship with my 13yo dd but reading this has made me feel a LOT better.

The phone thing I just don't tolerate. It is very noticeable that my dd's mood is better when she spends less time on her phone so I impose limitations.

It is sad that your girl is in such a bad space at school. Very worrying. And I imagine it would be hard for her to climb out of the rut she has gotten into there. Could she try a fresh start at another school?

Is her dad in the picture at all?

I suspect a lot of people know that their use of technology is becoming problematic and would love someone or something to step in.

They might rage at the beginning but soon settle in to the new normal?

Well she's the same as my child. She is a typical teenager. I was actually worse when I was her age. I wasn't malajusted or distressed. I had rules and rebelled.

How old did you say your children are?

I think the ability of people to adjust with a reasonable degree of comfort to a life with less access to technology depends on many factors. When a relationship with (a) parent(s) is seriously in meltdown, I am pretty dubious as to the likelihood of improvement of that relationship by dint of forced removal of access to other, ongoing relationships.

The OP is describing a child who is clearly very distressed and maladjusted

OK, so when you met her and held that therapy session... did you ask DD if she was just acting up, testing her strength, pushing hard at some boundaries... you know, growing up the gnarly way?

Because that is the first thing you do, when applying basic psychology. Never assume, never make a diagnosis, never suspect a cause/effect. Always ask, always ask twice, always check back.

Leaping to MH issues is an absolute no-no.

Maladjusted? Certainly. MH issues because of that? Not necessarily. OP and her DD may just be going through the power struggle many teens experience and, being a single mum, is feeling the full force of her teen's angst.

OP you say she is troubled at school but lovely with her BFs family. SO she is capable of being socially acceptable. You haven't failed her. Keep trying, talk to school, try to get her to talk to the school counsellor (most have them these days). If/when she is calm enough talk to her about responsibility going independence and that biting the hand that feeds her is a poor choice. Maybe suggest she gets a weekend job to pay for the phone contract.

In other words discuss with her the realities of growing up, being self sufficient and agreeing with her that she is old enough now to be more responsible for herself... and here are the realities.

She might respond well. If not, you can only keep trying and keep talking to school and trying to support her.

Good luck.

The OP has described her DD's MH issues (school, CAMHS). No-one is jumping to conclusions.

Well, Boho I can only assume you don't have teenagers!! I have 3 son's, all close in age, all teenagers together, all treated the same. Yet, one of mine went totally of the scale in terms of behaviour & attitude. OP I understand where you are coming from with regards to what battles to fight.
Not having the psychological insight provided by other posters I was only equipped with disciplining my teens like my mum. It was just being the stronger adult.

I was a snob , he was the only one not aloud oh all night!!! All the usual derogatory terms that you mention. I have pulled him out of parties, pubs & friends houses ( normally because he broke agreement regarding home time & lying about where he was)
Hard as it was when he struck 17, he realised he was throwing his life away. He departed company with lots of associates and now has a much smaller group of lovely friends.
He recently apologised to me & thanked me for all my efforts. The reason.... a previously close friend had been sent down. His behaviour had been the same as my son's & he said that I had saved his life.
I now have my beautiful boy back. No longer pissed all the time, no swearing. It has been an arduous path but there is light and please God you & your daughter will come through (once all the hormones settle down).xxxx

The OP has described her DD's MH issues (school, CAMHS). No-one is jumping to conclusions

Well, the MH professionals who have contact with her probably are not!

We none of us have any idea about what the MH professionals dealing with this case are thinking. The OP asked for insight into her relationship with her DD.

If the DD has regular appointments with CAMHS then something is up.

It's not easy to get a referral and even less so to get a regular commitment of resource from them.

Wow- don't usually make comments such as the following, but bobo am echoing others in asking do you have any practical knowledge or contact with children/young people other than what appears to be theoretical regurgition of a 1st year Psychology uni course? Having worked in MH, I can categorically state that removing a phone is not a horrible, cruel act, it may feel like that to the teenager, it will piss them off, but it's not cruel. I have seen the psychological and physical results of cruel parents and found it horrendous.

Ditch the phone, stop leaning on her as your emotional crutch, restrict time with bf and resist bobo's asinine, sterile wafflings.

Giveme... you sound like a very well balanced and nice parent and my view is a bit different to some of the responses here.

I don't buy into accepting the bratty teenager thing, l think your daughter is testing boundaries and needs firmly calmly putting in her place.

You are the adult who pays the bills, makes the rules and takes responsibility not her.

You should refuse to walk on eggshells in your own home, set clear expectations of behaviour, no phone at mealtimes, letting you know in advance when she is not going to be there for meals, being polite to you, reasonable work at school etc.

Have an iron clad plan of counsequences if she breaks them and do not budge. BUT do not get emotional, shouty or upset, or drawn into argument or debates about other issues..hard l know...Calm and adamant and unmoveable will show her you will not allow her bad behavior to disrupt her life and yours.

Continue to plan nice things she will enjoy in between, so it is not all tough and if she refuses to join in let it go calmly.

It must be hard work being on your own, but you need to be really strong and think of this as essential lessons for life for her, or she will have a rude awakening when she has to go out into the world, and people particularly employers, will not accept bratty or lazy behaviour when she doesn't feel like doing something.

Can you rope in any good role model friends relatives to back you up?

Good luck

Dragon your advice is excellent for those who are not facing problems that are seriously worrying.
I remember thinking 'I would not "allow" that" about the language used by the children in the 'Guardian' column living with teenagers. Turned out the writer's eldest child had a serious drug problem.
I never believed in punishment, never confiscated or banned or grounded - yet my children consider me to be strict (probably considered me just a real pain because so involved).
But I never had cause for serious concern. Nothing to do with my parenting - I put it down to luck.
So - I would argue - those advocating 'limits' and 'consequences' and 'removal of privileges' did not resolve anything that my different approach did not resolve, and are not suggesting interventions that would help a situation that is, perhaps, more complicated than that of teenagers being right pains.

Schong

I meant at bobo's sterile wafflings

Punishment and strong boundaries are (sometimes) an appropriate solution when parenting DC who are getting out of control but where the parent-child bond is (still) fundamentally strong.

Punishments administered by parents who have lost the bond/where the bond is extremely fragile cannot work. And they are doubly destructive to the relationship.

Dragongirl in the ideal world this would of course work.
But unfortunately it's just not that simple.
Put this in place and do that etc... Yeah right!
We all wish that would pan out as we all planned but it just doesn't.
I had consequences in place and punishments and followed through.
But they find another way. They really do.
They can lie and manipulate and you have to have your motherly instincts on full pelt, full time and it's exhausting.
I made sure I had parents phone numbers and got to know them and thank god I did because I caught her out a lot by phoning around many times.
I realise as a parent, it really should be that easy, but also as a parent to a problem teen, I know it just isn't.

Can the contract can be suspended at less cost and reactivated at a later date?

Another one asking bobo for the millionth time, have you actually got any practical experience with children? You sound like you are regurgitating a text book with no actual idea about life with kids!

She sounds like a kid who needs more boundaries. She needs structure from you op, in order to feel secure. Yes it will make her angry, but she isn't exactly happy now is she? A working relationship with her parent will make her happier.

I would sit her down and state the new rules. Explain why you have got to this point, but without pointing fingers. Explain how the behaviour makes you feel, but reassure that you still love her.

I think the phone is your major advantage. Explain what you are going to need from her in order to keep the privilege. If she is rude and disrespectful, then take the phone. If she runs away, she is only going to go to her boyfriends (without the phone). You are lucky that his parents are decent, get them onside and ask them to keep you updated. She will comeback because she will want the phone. Rinse and repeat.