How to discipline and salvage some kind of relationship with DD.

[Givemestrength100]

DD 14 has been quite challenging for about 18 months. I am a single parent and find myself crying (pathetic I know and no not infront of her) due to her behaviour. She is so rude and abrupt 24/7 , she is constantly ready to jump down my throat and it doesn't take much. She is on her phone pretty much 24/7 comes down to eat then vanishes again. I just feel she has completely disconnected with me she doesn't even look at me and never asks how I am or engages in conversation with me. She is also very difficult at school and sees camhs regularly. She is just so selfish and rude I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and there is a major atmosphere between us, I try and chat but either get no reply or an angry one word. I just attempted to have a rational conversation with her about the amount of time she spends on her phone and got back "you know nothing about nothing shut up will you" so I respond that if she can't speak to me with respect she can hand her phone over (contract I pay for) she just said "I'm not handing it over if you take it I'll run away" then stormed off on the phone seeking more negative attention telling everyone how awful I am. I have tried to pick my battles etc but she is in battle mode 24/7 so simply asking how she is resorts in "you always ask me that for gods sake".
Not sure where the hell I went wrong but something needs to change.

Thank you poppie. I was also a shit but I was sneakier and played the game a bit. DD can be lovely just wish I'd see that side more. Fingers crossed I find the holidays more difficult as every day/night is a desperate bid to be out as late as possible and try and get as many people here as possible. It's a bit easier with the routine of school.

Liz- you are right she has a very low self esteem. They are all obsessed with looks and social media she is forever taking selfies then deleting if she doesn't get hundreds of likes. She does say that to me in her calmer moments in fact she says "I only do it because your my mum " .

She sounds a prize pain in the behind you must be tearing your hair out she doesnt hate you at all dispite a pp dramatic reply to you id cap the imternet shut it off at night and take her phone off her at meal times. Has cahms reportedto you or is it confidential? Constantly being in isolation and report at school seems drastic and not having any affect no advice really she will become human again try and not take her mood swings to personal thats when we feel guilty and start to cave in and do stuff to try and make them like us.

Just read she washed up with only a bit of a grumble not to bad, thing you need to batter home is( ime) personal responsibility so she says you made her angry you say well you chose to be angry i didnt make you do anything. That sort of thing.its really hard to deal with thoughmy friend told me when dd1 was nearly 14 its the hardest age for everybody and gawd was she right

I was cross about New Year's Day as she'd requested the day together if brought everything and was looking forward to spending some time with her, being that it was her idea I thought she'd at least give me notice that she wasn't going to be there

Was that deliberate do you think? She would have known it would hurt you.

No not confidential I go in with her. They are very helpful and supportive. As for NYD I think a better offer came along but it might have been planned who knows!

Do you think she would engage more if you didn't go in? At 14 I wouldn't have opened up in front of my mum. Though, you sound nothing like my mum and in my situation my mum was the problem. But maybe she needs to have a private space for her to work through all of this on her own.

NYD sounds a bit like she panicked and rather than try to have a nice day she would just ruin it from the outset. A lot of what you describe sounds self sabotaging.

She's confused. So are you because you don't understand where you went wrong. You didn't. She's trying to find her feet, like a toddler. Its a very difficult time for her as with most children that age, and you are trying to be both parents.

My dd turned herself around, she is 22 now and brilliant. And I'm not being smug because DS is 20 and still really difficult, but getting there very slowly.

Don't pander to them, just nurture them, they start smiling eventually when they need their mum to turn to. And they do. Best wishes

I would rather she went in alone but she insists I'm there ! x

Aww does she 1 of mine went to cahms (at 14) and went on her own they went into school do you feel its helping

As many others have said ignore Bobo, I doubt she was ever a teenager herself given the pious tone

I was a real shit to my mum from the ages of 14 to about 18. Terribly ashamed of it now and we are best friends. It's like others have said, she can take every frustration out on you because she is completely and absolutely secure in your love and unwavering support. So take that as a comfort? My mum had my dad there to help and back her up and she's still told me that having to accept my hatred for those few years was the most difficult thing she's done. I wish you all the luck in the world; she will come out the other side a nice person I'm sure, you sound like a lovely mum

but why do teenagers hate their mothers ?

Because anyone else they treated this badly would leave

That's true. There's more to it though. Why do some teenagers hate their mothers? A bit like Everest expect. Because it/they're there...so why not, who's to stop them?
Because no-one actually stands up and says its wrong to behave like that because we're all so understanding these days.
Because we believe the hype about teenagers and hormones and our expectations are so removed from the expectations of previous generations...and because they can and do get away with it in some cases. And because society expects mothers to be saintly, endlessly forgiving and happy to oblige in the whole adolescent social construct. And because it wouldn't do to let on that the whole idea of 'the teenager,' was invented post war with the emergence of the teddy-boys and the James Dean school of smouldering angst in the film Rebel Without a Cause. Prior to that, 'teenagers,' went down the pit or up a chimney and hadn't the energy for moaning and being horrible.
I'll get my coat....

is it part of the backlash against women -or do they also get carte blanche to hate their fathers?

Well we don't have any sanctions, do we ? Apart from removing the phone .

You can't make them go to school, although you will be punished if they don't attend .

You can't make them stay in, although you will be judged if they are out in the streets until all hours.

They can even hit you and their younger siblings and smash up your home . And all that happens is that a social worker will ask you what you did to make them so angry. Then take your child out of school and to McDonald's for a chat .

In previous generations they would have been expected to move out and get a job.

I think PitpatKitkat had some very sensible advice on page 2, particularly about co-dependency.

There is a lot of sensible advice on here. OP your dd is not different, she's just trying to find her feet.

amarmai: no, there's full gender equality contempt. Slightly more circumspect for me, because I was willing to call the police. I was also willing to put her into respite fostering; one of her acquaintances was branded and lost a tooth during a week away, so her sense of self preservation prevailed. Both options would have ended the marriage.

What fun it all wasn't.

Wow OP you are doing a great job ! all Most teenage girls are horrible, I know I was. And why was I so horrible to my mum? Because out of everyone in the world I knew she would love me regardless.

I was reading an article on why when children start school they are well behaved at school and demons at home. It's because home is a safe and secure place to act out, they can push boundaries, be grumpy, shout and cry and know that they will still be looked after. Which is what your DD is doing albeit in a different manner.

So take it as a compliment that she is so horrible to you

Most teenage girls are horrible

They most certainly are not.

Yes, but its generational. Didn't happen in previous generations due to several factors, not least the fear of consequences. Socially embedded respect for ones elders, people in authority and the old fashioned notion that adults were in charge created lines that if crossed, would result in consequences that were often severe.

My dd1 is now 16 and has never been a horrible teenager.

We've had rows but nothing LIKE some of the stories on here.

My dd2 is shaping up to be a completely different matter

it's NOT a compliment -rather the opposite and it's a choice on the part of the teenagers who are getting off on their power trips . I think there shd be consequences as it's not good for the teenagers to be able to behave outrageously nor for the parents who are being told they have to suffer and accept it .

Who let miss/mr reactionary pallasthena in? Your hackneyed call to old fashioned values ignores the fact that today's teens are actually more depressed than yesteryears. They're more subject to pressure, the all consuming dogma of purely monetary worth, increasing insecurity, no future prospects, multiple wars, state sponsored terrorism, genuine terrorism, social net being slashed. This is the worst time to be growing up in generations and it's all the fault of those elders you say youngsters should blindly obey. Get that coat of yours and I'll get off me soap box.