Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

Agreed kitty

I'd never thought of recording it, but I definitely will because I'm bound to gabble and become confused/emotional/upset etc. Maybe I won't though, maybe I'll be all composed and stony faced, who knows on the day.
The silliest thing can set me off. My neighbour asking me if I need help with anything for example, or my friend's DH going out of his way to lend me his car as much as he can before l get mine back. Can't help thinking and that arse just doesn't give a shit.

If you do decide to record it, I would ask if it was ok first.

Mo people are kind. People do care. You are right, he just doesn't give a shit.

The dreaded Skype chat is going to happen again tonight - ever since he asked if we could do it tonight since I couldn't do the morning, I've had that sense of dread all day. I'm not even going to talk to him but to hear his voice, hear him asking the kids what they have been up to, like he cares, when he didn't care enough last week to make sure there was enough in the fridge.
I know what he's doing: he wants to show the kids off in a weird sort of way, to show what a great dad and a great guy he is, because of the company he is in.

Hopefully you not have to do this for much longer hang in there. Can you have one your strong woman songs on in the background? Small victories

Akire, I love your thinking...subliminal messages

Yeah, something upbeat and noisy - Sisters are doing it for themselves, or the like.

Take deep breaths, they calm you down without you noticing it! In through the nose to a count of 3, out through the mouth to a count of 5. It does work. Do it during your CAB meeting if you start feeling emotional. Have you seen the TED talk about power poses? It's intriguing and I've had no call to try it myself, but people here have recommended it.

Thanks Jux. I think I'll be ok but no idea what it will stir up.
It's sad, to think we used to text, call and email each other constantly throughout the day, we used to fly to different countries to see each other, and now, been apart for over two weeks and only spoken once plus a couple of nasty emails.

What you need is one of those ambient noise soundtracks - I know they must be real because Alicia's daughter used one in The Good Wife to pretend she was in a busy law office rather than her mum's spare room Although you should have one of a cocktail party with someone braying "another bottle of Bolly, darling?" in the manner of Patsy from Ab Fab.

Ideally you would leave a few things visible behind the children, e.g. empty Tiffany's box, book on Elizabeth Taylor's jewellery collection with post-it notes on the pages to show which ones you're thinking of acquiring. I'd try to make it at least tolerable next week by having a bit of fun with it.

Power pose

How did call go mo hope you are not feeling too squashed after wards.

You have choices about skype calls. He's not exactly playing ball is he?

Akire, hideous as expected. Hated hearing him asking the kids what they've been up to, all things that I have been working my butt off to give them as much fun, exercise and stimulation as possible on not much money, all of course without a modicum of recognition. What have you been doing, he asks: wtf do you think, old banger's in the garage, he hasn't asked if we need anything or if I need help sorting a car in the meantime (doesn't know I have friends helping who are a zillion times more concerned than him) hasn't checked if we are ok, how we are managing. Nothing. But wants to know all about what they have been doing, all staged, in front of an audience (person he's gone on holiday with)...raging just thinking about it.

Kitty...I don't want him ever complaining that I was deliberately being awkward about scheduling Skype calls with the kids. It's only fair on them too.

Can imagine the effort required to bit your lip. Just shows that he has such blind vision over what he thinks the reality of your life is.

When he is home and you go out for day on trip say would he be splashing out then? Or only if you went with another family say?

Urgh, just urgh.

How long until he is due to come back for a visit?

If it's just us, it depends on his mood/bank balance (who knows). Unpredictable. He will usually moan about the price of things and point out what's a rip off etc. He usually has a point, but it can get you down, trying to give the kids a good time and all he can focus on are the negatives, nearly always price-related.
But, if with other company, depending on how well off they are, or how well off he thinks they are, he will match them, whatever.
You know what though, even though I have a million other stresses going on right now, not having all the above shit going on and similar typical-him type annoyances, it is wonderful being on my own and managing just fine. Only thing I need to fix is my income. And I know I can go it alone.

A long time yet, Random. Thank God.

That is good, plenty of time to get your ducks in a row decide what you want to do and instigate an enforced selling of the house if that's what you want to do!

Can you manage your food budget to buy lots of wine and arrange a girls night in?

You are right mo it isn't about lack of money because plenty of happy broke couples manage just fine. It's stress of being beholden to his moods and "his" money. So so draining. Not suprised if out with wealthy family he acts totally different. Not sure how old kids are but must be odd for them probable woulnt not be long before start to question all these random hypocrisy and generosity.

I can't imagine selling this house
And there is plenty of his wine to glug.

Go for it mo you can easily broke a bottle whilst cleaning :)

Akire I don't know when you say kids will pick up on stuff...P certainly never noticed anything strange about his dad always having a new car on the drive while his mum was a regular at the thrift shop and fed the kids budget meals all the time. Just normal for him.

But Mo he has copied his father, he absorbed it all. It wasn't strange to him, he grew up knowing that men have more than women and children. That's the order of things.

mo I just meant perhaps kids found it odd that one day father is generous and of course you can have X y z then when they go out just you he's squirming over spending. But guess it's just normal for them or to young so not going question him about it.

They are much too young to understand those things. And I don't want them to have to.

Help though, I'm having a wobble, my CAB meeting is tomorrow and suddenly I'm thinking oh what a fuss, there's nothing wrong, this is a big mistake. I hope I don't freeze and waste my time and theirs.

Take this thread with you
Let the person read some of it