Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

Your MI[L] has had several more decades to get her head worked on than you have. And the more entrenched, the harder it'd be to hear or absorb about any kind of other way of being.

Rhett Butler once said to Scarlett "how tightly women cling to the chains that bind them". He has the truth of it, more often than I'd like to say.

That's really sad, she obviously tell he has got his fathers ideas about money. She's no fool she can probable see stress and all little signs. Woulnt be suprised if he being boasting to her like "I told her no way I'm spending that on uniform I want to see where my money is going".

Plus presumably he's mentioned that you his "lazy cow of wife" could get evening job if she needs more money so she can babysit. Since he earns loads the only reason why you would need a job would be to provide basics he refuses let you have. It's good sign in one way even if she thinks it's normal.

It is really sad. I've struggled with her for years and I've always openly criticised their marriage to P, not understanding why they are still together. But now I actually have sympathy and understanding. Very weird after all these years.

Grumpy...they had money, or rather dad did. Big house, nice car on the drive, P says his dad had a new one almost every year. Sickening, really. Even if she knew it was wrong, she had other reasons to stay in the marriage so made her choice, and still suffered for it. But I don't want to be her! I don't care what people think of me (OK, just a bit ) and I won't let this happen or my gorgeous and kind hearted DS could turn into another one of them. God knows I try so hard to teach him about kindness and how important it is to share everything. I just say it every day, especially now.

I *must say it every day.

Poor women

Mean, bullying fucker is who you're married to. My dad was exactly like this, bloody hypocrite everyone loved him, life and soul of party, known to be generous and giving. Except he was SO mean to his DCs and our mum. I don't want to list it as its upsetting. But 1 thing I will admit, me and siblings had zero respect for our mum for a long time. She put up with financial control from my dad for years, and her misery impacted upon us.

Do you know what, OP? In 1999 my dad left my mum. Just like that. So this sacrifice you are making because "our DCs need us to be together", please be aware they may not necessarily see it as that. DCs don't stay little, they are VERY aware long before you realise it. Me & siblings weren't even 16 yet but we were already at ffs why don't you leave him mum? stage. In the event he made the decision for her; she should have listened to us and bailed out long before he could piss off and drain most of the joint account funds too

You cannot plan life around men like this. You will do your DCs no favours by allowing them to grow up and have this awful dynamic as an example of a good relationship. It is not. & your misery will impact upon them too. You sound like a decent person...please try and visualise the coming years brutally and honestly, and how your life will be with this bully. Factor in that your DCs will be growing older during this time, able to suss whats going on, and will eventually develop their own lives and interests and then that leaves - you. & a bully.

You weren't born with him. He cannot break you financially. If it was so easy for men to do that we would all be forced to remain with abusive fukers. Its not easy to leave. & I really do hate saying LTB.. but your situation is intolerable.

Having to account for spending £7-50? as an adult!!!!

Your P has learned this through his Dad then. I wonder if he remembers being young, maybe not being able to go to a club with his friends or swimming or some such in the school holidays because his Dad kept his Mum short. the Mum, who presumably was second only to God in your P's eyes when he was young (as children tend to see their Mum) I wonder how women become so 'unimportant and irresponsible' in a mans eyes as they get older. Sorry, that was off topic but something I will never understand. Ignore me, I am tired and rambling today.

Mistress, talking about the future like that is a real reality check. I'm sorry you were made to suffer like that. Of course I don't want want that for my lovely DC.

Not for your lovely DC - and not for YOU either OP, nobody has the right to treat you like that. & if they do, its just their true colours showing through, they always had the capacity to behave in such a bullying way. Sorry for the bit of a rant! But your post really hit home

Incidentally my mum did eventually go out to work part-time, mid-way through our primary school years. All it did was increase his meaness, as she "had her own money". Pin money from a factory job. Its about control with these men nothing more nothing less and you will never "win". Whatever his background is regarding his family growing up, etc..it changes nothing, to me. Its sly to hide your ways from a potential partner for years so that you "get" her, and then revert to who you truly are.

I have 4 brothers. Not one of them treats their partners as my dad treated my mum. My eldest brother once told me when he was still in secondary school (!) my dad said "never let a woman know how much money you have ".

If you do decide to leave he will make it as horrid as possible - but you sound as if you see through him and know exactly what he is like, so hopefully that will spur you on. Not easy to leave, and maybe you won't. But one way or another he needs a wakeup call, and a harsh one. His behaviour is absolutely apalling.

I wish you good luck for the future

Mistress...what you said about your mum earning her own money again - exactly, I can see you know exactly what is going on here. Me working again would make it even more justifiable in his own mind to provide even less, actually as it was before. And be even more selfish with his money.

How did you ever get him to agree to you staying at home til the kids were in school? Was it based on the amount you could earn vs the cost of nursery care? (i.e. you would making an 'even more negative' contribution than you currently are).

Tribpot, very good question and if I told you it would be too revealing so I won't answer. Extraordinary circumstances, that's all I'll say. Please don't speculate! Thank you.

And let me guess, if you would be going back to work, he has not offered to do more childcare/housework, has he?

Well...I guess things would go back to how they were before, and yes he did so childcare/housework but not to my standards. I know it doesn't make sense...because now he wants me to single parent, do all housework and get a job too.

while he is abroad for 6 months. Tosser

Rooting for you.....

Just wanted to point out that "And be even more selfish with his money"

Umm, thats your joint, family money you are talking about. Amazing, isn't it.

The more he saves now, the worse it will look when it gets to Court, and the bigger your settlement will be.

Save, horrible man, save!

Jux, we're not married, there won't be a settlement.

yes, but he will have to pay for care & a roof over the children's head, & thus yours ! until youngest is 18.....

Is that all included in child maintenance payments? Haven't heard of anything else he can be made to pay if we legally separate. We'd be jointly liable for mortgage unless we sold family home is my understanding.

You will seek to stay in the family home until your youngest child is 18.

Oh, is that like a meshing order?

I know you aren't married but CMS will look at his salary to calculate his child support payments which will probably be more than what you get now.

In regards to the house, it could either get sold and you both take an equal share now or it could get sold when your youngest is 18 (not sure what would happen re:mortgage payments. Maybe that is a question to ask when you meet with the CAB?).

Its true in divorce but not sure legal rules if not married. That said if own 50/50 home obviously your 50% isn't enough to house you and the kids. Where as he could buy one bed - would expect the split to reflect this. Plus fact you don't have same earner power with childcare to pay for so you couldn't just earn your way out to a bigger place.