Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

I know, he's a real charmer isn't he, a real catch. And btw, there was an ulterior motive for the eventual reason he agreed to change the flight... but I won't say what it was.

He is just a complete cunt love.

Agreed.

Regardless of financial abuse, I'm afraid you're right. And he's getting worse.

I'm suprised he didn't pretend how wonderful he cope without you, given he expects you to do it 24/7 alone with no support or acknowledgment.

Been lurking but just wanted to add my support. You sound lovely and I'm absolutely gobsmacked at what an utter cunt he is.

I hope he gets food poisoning on one of his nights out.

You are amazing, and we are all behind you.

Aw great post from Jackie. Hear hear!

And yes he is just a complete cunt love. Brilliant.

I well remember the sense of dread that settled on me after I gave up my (amazing) career to be a SAHM. "Darling, I earn more in a week that you do in a year, stay at home, children need their mother" [how I wish I'd recorded that when it came to his astonishingly vanished s/e income when it came to the courts]. You're not the only one, basically. I didn't join the (howling) dots, either

We both didn't know where to look, what to recognise. To that end, I've heard the Freedom Programme is being written to be rolled out in schools, apparently (as 'domestic' abuse is currently rampant in secondary school relationships ). Yay!

Wow, Springy, that is excellent news.

Really springy? That would be great. I do hope they do.

Happy Friday mo another week survived and closer to the CAB meeting!

I've just sat and read your whole thread and honestly I'm shocked!! I'm also a sahm to 3 children. I worked part time until mid way through my pregnancy with my second when we jointly agreed I would give up. We discussed how much money I needed to cover my bills & the household stuff. He gives me a total of £900 every 4 weeks £100p/w is for the food shop) and if I need more and he has it he'll transfer it. I asked for an extra £100 the other day, it was immediately transfered. Don't get me wrong, my DH is far from a shining angel but he would never let me struggle whilst he rolls in cash.

We lived through major financial troubles 6-7 years ago & had an awful few years where we genuinly struggled to put food on the table. So we both know what it's like to live to the penny, still my DH still sees his now far inflated income as our money.

Akire it's been the longest week ever...

Thank you for the helpful comparison Arrowfanatic.
It just goes round and round in my head when I'm chatting to other mums or whatever and they must be thinking I must be so well off, nothing to complain about, because of how everything looks from the outside.

I think, in the end, Just being unhappy, no matter why, is enough.

I've been thinking the same thing, Mix. To live the rest of my life without laughter, being able to truly relax and be myself...just no, it's not something I can tolerate, and for what? To keep my house? That's all I would really be retaining. My life would be a lie, my children would be affected and will lose respect for me as they get older. Not to mention living without the chance to experience real love and passion again...even if it never happens for me, I'd at least like the chance.

Quite. Don't doubt yourself, but if you do get a bit, just remember your last post because you are right.

As another comparison, I have been a SAHM for 9 years now.

We have 1 joint current account, 1 joint saving account and a credit card each. I manage all of our finances. DH's salary is paid into the joint account and that is his only financial responsibility. I manage all family budgeting, including his sole-name credit card.

I cant imagine the unnecessary stress involved with separate account. Seems so needless and very wrong to me.

In some respects we are the opposite to you Mo. I have all the control over DHs money, DH leaves everything to me. Like you, he wouldn't have a clue who we are insured with or if we have breakdown cover. He just trusts that I have sorted them out.

Me controlling all of our finances (including savings and debt, as well as month-to-month) is not done maliciously or in a bullying way in our case. Just as DH considers ironing shirts to be my job, likewise looking after family finances is also my job.

Sometimes I don't like it when DH turns me into the Bad Guy if I have to say no to something expensive he wants. But I don't say this while spending frivolously myself (as with your case) and we would always discuss as equals spending priorities.

You've just reminded me of something, Fate. When he first realised he would actually have to put some money into my account, when SAHMdom began, he couldn't bear the thought because it would be like, in his words, putting money into a 'black hole' that he couldn't control. So he doesn't like that he can't see what's going on in my account, but it's ok that I can't see what's going on in his.
Interesting that you 'control ' everything but of course it's all transparent and open and there is nothing controlling about that.

No, of course not.

Fact is, my husband never looks at our bank accounts. He could if he wanted to, they are joint accounts and he knows all the passwords. It's a whole different family dynamic for us though. He completely trusts me and I completely trust him. We're a team, in our finances and in every other way.

I am so sorry you're situation is so crappy. He's being so unfair to you

Black hole is bottomless pit surely lovely! Not feeding his kids and partner and HIMSELF.

Any news on the car fix situation?

Who is having the children when you have CAB aptmt ?
Perhaps the oldest are in school,unless there is a creche, I really do advise you get someone to care for the youngest. so you can listen without distractions, to the advise, make notes of the information/record ?
remember to note your questions before, or you will get side tracked

Hopefully car will be ready early next week and got care sorted for the youngest two for the appointment. Thanks for reminding me about questions, I'll put a list together tomorrow.

Love your post from 19.55 yesterday Mo

I second recording the meeting and writing questions down.

Glad to here that your car will be fixed next week.

You are doing so well

Agreed. One of the most useful things about mobile phones is to use them to record a meeting. You may never even play it back (i always write up notes of meetings, it helps me to see where i missed something or what wasn't clear. Its great to be able to play back the recording and catch up with the bits i missed.

Continued best wishes, from an admirer. xx