Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

Btw...I need to have some fun with something. I just went on to Spotify and realised because we ahem 'share' an account, and I haven't used it for a few days, you can see the most recent songs listened to, therefore all his rubbish. So I thought, I could play some songs so he can see what I've been listening to. The first thing that came to mind is that song 'You don't own me' but could add more that might convey a subtle message. Or maybe not even subtle. I'm having a think.
Anyway...I need some light relief now and then.

Phoenix I'm sure I'd be better off with cms payments topped up with benefits and a part time salary, couldn't not be really. Main thing is better off mentally anyway.

Thanks Akire, will ask CAB about that next week.

Damn, the Spotify thing only shows album titles, not songs. Anyway have added the album with 'you're so vain' to the mix.

Songs great idea... I'm sure clever people will come up with some good ones. Scare him lol

What about I'm Free (Soup Dragons), Independent Woman?

I found a long, long list of songs suitable for breaking up. It's here

Some are quite fun! I thought of Pink straight away, but her lyrics are really only relevant to her.

Such a good list Jux

1. Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
2. Goodbye To You – Scandal
3. I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
4. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
5. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
6. Hit The Road Jack – Ray Charles
7. You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
8. The Thrill Is Gone – B.B. King
9. Time For Me To Fly – REO Speedwagon

Too true Mo.....the mentally being better off far out ways in a way the rest.

What about:

Queens 'I want to break free' maybe use that one later
Adele 'rumour has it'
Destiny's child 'survivor'
Britney Spears 'stronger'

There is a case I know of, which resembles yours, the XP (not H) has been paying her solicitors fees, her rent, plus costs for children.

Robbie Williams Sexed up - 'Why don't we break up, there's nothing left to say ..'

Interesting to know that, Mix.

I played I need a little time by beautiful south over and over and over again !

Early Joe Jackson was really good for break ups and unrequited love. One More Time, Happy Loving Couples

And there's a UB40 song, which is about both breaking up and drinking wine.

Thanks for the brilliant suggestions, I think I'll just do a playlist but got to think up an eye catching name!

Anyway...better night's sleep but I am still so disturbed by mil's 'no money' comment. I'm not going to ask her about it though because that would open up stuff that currently needs to stay with a lid on.

I'm wandering around my 'home' feeling that this is not really my home, I don't love it any more, it's just a house filled with bad memories and everywhere I look, the things in it remind me of an argument or a disagreement. I've got no desire or passion to look after it or improve it any more.

I can't believe I've spent fifteen years of my life with this man who is happily off on his trip, planning another, playing sports - probably one a night, more than he is allowing his own children, drinking beers etc., while we are here wondering how to make £500 last a month for four people. I just need to keep reminding myself of things like that because I do have lapses, doubts, panics, too often than I should probably.

...ugh, and just adding about him: updating his status on bloody fb to show off about where he is and where he's going. I'm close to defriending my own partner!

Add a comment about your day in a really passive aggressive way.

Oh that sounds lovely. ... Lucky you. We are having beans on toast again because I just can't make ends meet this month. Doh!

I'd love to do that. I just don't have the nerve.

You can unfollow him on Facebook and still be "friends". I do love the above post, though. Can't add anything of value to situation. Good luck.

Gingerdad, I don't think I'd actually do it because every bit of flaunting or showing off is extra evidence for me. Flights, hotel, meals, drinks - he must be spending not far off a grand. I might just go and screenshot all this stuff actually.

ps, not to say it is without anger, repeated court appearances, accusation,continuing vindictiveness. Pulling in his parents to help..... it may be that the solicitor's fees are to be reimbursed from her share of the house, not sure.

Sounds horrific, Mix. A nightmare, in fact.

Screen shots a great idea. Get and keep as much evidence as you can.

Divorce/separation is never fun. Sometimes it just has to be done, though.

And the worst thing at the moment about this is the lack of communication. I only contact him at the moment when I have to beg for money, or ask him about things he has either deliberately or just thoughtlessly not informed me about, e.g. the breakdown cover, and now the policy number for the boiler repair. All in his name, none of which I have access to.
Normally I'd say have a safe trip and ask questions but now my emails are a brief one or two lines with no additional chit chat.
He knows I'm pissed off with him obviously but how can he just carry on as normal? Or appear to be. Anyway I hope his flight is delayed and he has a shit time.