Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overheard Sil talking about me, devastated

236 replies

cocochanel21 · 02/01/2016 21:00

This is my first time posting I really need some advice. Background I've been with my DH for 10 yrs married for 6. We both had DCS from previous relationships as we both were teenagers when we had DCS having a child together was never on the cards we were both happy with our lives.
Last year I fell pregnant, we were shocked after much soul searching and tears (me) We decided to continue with the pregnancy.
When I was 7 mths pregnant my DD1died suddenly i was devastated and the last 2mths of my pregnancy were horrendous i felt completely numb and just wanted to be with my DD.
My gorgeous DD2 arrived 5weeks ago i fell in love with her the minute i set eyes on her. I'm still Greiving and have bad days but I'm trying to get on with things.
Yesterday my 2Sils and a friend came for lunch i was upstairs feeding the baby when I came down they were in the kitchen talking about me and DD1. SIL was saying that i looked terrible and she didn't understand as DD had been a total nightmare and she was glad her brother didn't need to put up with all the trouble she had caused anymore. The other 2 never pulled her up.
I somehow managed to get through lunch then made excuses to get rid of them. I spent the rest of the day in tears and I've spent today wanting to go to her door and tell her I heard what she said.
I miss my DD1 so much and don't understand why somebody can be so cruel.I feel such a failure as a mum and my gorgeous LO is stuck with me.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 03/01/2016 13:21

I've just read through this thread open-mouthed at her complete vileness and the other two women's spinelessness. I would not be able to forgive any of them. Your DH sounds fantastic, I'm so glad he's by your side so strongly. I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

OrangePeels · 03/01/2016 13:23

I think I can understand the comment that she would have said something if she'd known you'd heard. If you imagine standing in your grieving friend's kitchen when someone comes out with twattery like that. What can you say? I think I would be absolutely stunned! I'd think of tons to say later but at the time I'd be doing an impression of a goldfish.
Plus, she may also mean she would have talked to the OP about it if she knew the OP knew. It wouldn't be helpful to tell her about the comment at the time as it would upset her. She may have been planning on telling her down the line.
That's just my take on it. I could be completely wrong!

What a complete twat! What an amazing DH!

OnlyLovers · 03/01/2016 13:24

if she's known i overheard she would have said something

She should have said something anyway! Why on earth would you only bother calling out foul comments about a friend if you were scared they might overhear them? It is clearly not the case that she was 'in shock' and didn't know what to say/couldn't think of what to say, as some posters have suggested.

I'm glad your DH has fought for you and I'm glad all three know they were heard and how you both feel about it. You don't need any of them in your life. I hope you have other better friends and, in time, find new friends who will also behave better towards you.

I'm so sorry about your DD1 but I hope you, your DH and your new DD2 go on to have happiness and peace. thanks]

Youarentkiddingme · 03/01/2016 13:27

Your dh is bloody brilliant! I admit to giggling about showing flowers up silent SIL arse!

Silent friend sounds ok. She knows she's fucked up by not sticking up and speaking up at the time. But like we've said sometimes you just can't formulate the words. Perhaps a heart to heart would be beneficial. If she takes on board your anger and doesn't try and justify her actions there may be hope for your friendship?

Ginkypig · 03/01/2016 13:32

I'm so glad you have someone like your dh around you.

It's good that two out of the three have shown remorse and are ashamed of their actions or lack of!

I hope you can put this behind you, only you know the devastating horror of losing a child but because of that you know that they are of minuscule importance and nothing they can do or say could ever come close to the pain you have/are already feeling!

My point is fuck them they are a speck of nothingness compared to what you've been through so they arnt worth your emotions!

ohtheholidays · 03/01/2016 13:32

Coco I'm so glad you told your husband and his repsonse was just what was needed.

They are going to have to live with what was said for the rest of they're lifes and it will change the way people react and feel towards them for the rest of they're lifes as well.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/01/2016 13:36

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Flowers.

I'm also very sorry your SIL and her friends are such vile people.

Please talk to your husband. He's your family, not his sister, and he would want to support you.

I'd be telling them you heard them and that they are no longer welcome in your life.

Congratulations on your baby. I hope she brings you great joy.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/01/2016 13:41

Sorry, I missed your latest post.

Your husband is really lovely. What a brilliant solid loyal husband.

Lightbulbon · 03/01/2016 13:47

Confront her about it in front of dp and those 2 others. They deserve to be shamed!

mummytime · 03/01/2016 13:49

ThanksI hope time and your new DD help. Your DH is a keeper.

FrostyNipples · 03/01/2016 14:02

Glad DH let rip.

Coco this is the most unanimous thread I have ever seen, we are all sending our thoughts, condolences, congratulations and unusually Strong hugs don't give head space to the fuckers now DH has done the necessary.

Grieve, rest, enjoy dd2 Flowers

Finola1step · 03/01/2016 14:03

Your dh rocks.

Imbroglio · 03/01/2016 14:05

I'd be inclined to give the silent ones the benefit of the doubt. Both have expressed their shame and regret in their own way, and - unless your guts are telling you there are deeper issues - it would be a shame to compound the losses due to your SiLs vile words.

I can see how in their situation they might have said nothing (or at least nothing audible to you) while they wondered if they had heard right.

But no rush. You have been through enough. Flowers

Yoksha · 03/01/2016 14:08

Coco,

I wanted to post my heartful sadness at your small families' situation. Kudos to your brave strong DH. Congrats on your lovely baby daughter. So pleased you've fallen in love with her. Things could have been so opposite.

Your Sil sounds extremely dim to even suggest her opinion on her "brother's lucky escape" what kind of mind conjures up such vile thoughts? I hope this doesn't cause the polarisation of the family, however can't see it can be avoided.

The friend might have been stunned into silence, so I'm not going to judge because faced with such vileness, I dont know how I would initially react. Then maybe it was too late to say anything because the moment had escaped her, and you had returned.

Flowers also not extracted from you Sil's.

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 14:21

I'm gobsmacked some one would say something so vile. Not only that but in YOUR house whilst you were upstairs.

I think we all live in little bubbles where we think that people are basically okay and relatively decent. It's when something like this happens you realise that this isn't the case. There are some truly evil people out there wearing a mask of civility. Now and then their mask slips and you see what's really behind it.

I'm sorry for the pain she has caused but she's now out of your lives and will have no chance to hurt you or your family again. That is a blessing.

When reading your thread I had an image of those women in 'The Help' sitting around playing bridge and bitching. You've just saved your little girl from growing up in that kind of environment.

And your husband rocks. I didn't know her at all but I'll bet your eldest daughter is looking on and is very proud of her step dad today for looking after her mum Smile

Lolimax · 03/01/2016 14:24

Op I'm so glad you told your DH and what a star he is! I'm sorry for your loss and gutted that you have such a vile sil. Good luck for the future with your family (the only ones the matter).

SoleSource · 03/01/2016 14:28

Coco Flowers xx

JammyGeorge · 03/01/2016 14:42

I'm so sorry for your loss coco and sorry the most difficult time of your life has been made harder by your twat of a sil.

I've read the thread open mouthed its been like a roller coaster, your sil's vile mouth is as despicable and as low as you can go. She might be fronting it out but inside she knows she's scum your DH has made sure if it - he is a diamond.

I wish you all the best for the road ahead - as always we are here anytime you need us.

Pidapie · 03/01/2016 14:44

Oh I am so, so sorry for your loss. Flowers
That comment is vile, please tell your DH and don't sit on it on your own. How horrible for you to hear that :(

Frazzled2207 · 03/01/2016 14:55

So sorry for your loss.
Sil is a complete cow. Hopefully you'll never have to deal with her again.
When the dust has settled do consider forgiving the other two. If I'd been present when someone said something like your SiL said, I'd have been shocked into silence I think.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/01/2016 15:19

What happened after the vile comments from SIL1? was there silence or was the subject changed?

I would consider hearing what your friend has to say. It might have been awkward for her being there and she felt outnumbered by two sisters, how well does she know them?

Hissy · 03/01/2016 15:19

Words fail, both in horror at your sil, but also in admiration for your dh.

For now everything that needed to be said has been said, I'd let the dust settle and see what happens wrt the silent 2.

I don't like what the friends reply was, but see how things go. Do you have other friends that can support you generally? Any chance your dh can stick closer to home for a while?

Arfarfanarf · 03/01/2016 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/01/2016 15:58

So glad your DP is protecting his lovely partner - you need it right now and he's there for you. Thank goodness.

The fact that the vile woman didn't back down when faced with her upset and angry brother is shocking. Shows how horrible she really is. Scum to even have that idea brewing in her brain, let alone saying it for all the world to hear. Ugh. Foul.

Not sure about the other twos role in all this, they could have been gobsmacked and not knowing what to do. Or they could have been complicit in the cruelness.

My initial thought was that of id not been able to say something at the time, id have talked to you straight after. But actually, I'm not sure I would have as then, I might be the bearer of very upsetting news if you hadn't heard it... I wouldn't want to bring you horrible gossip to distress you further. So tricky. I think I'd have phones you and tried to sound you out a bit to see if you had an inkling Sil was being so evil, then told you if it sounded like you knew.

Only you can decide what their silence meant and of that means you can't trust them anymore then you need to protect yourself. I'm a bit weirded out by the whole text thing you got off one of them which sounds more complicit than innocent...

greencarbluecar · 03/01/2016 16:33

coco Flowers

I've read this thread with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry for your awful, awful loss and now having to go through this unbelievably cruel situation too.

Your DH sounds amazing, and you sound like a wonderful, strong person and brilliant mum.