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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overheard Sil talking about me, devastated

236 replies

cocochanel21 · 02/01/2016 21:00

This is my first time posting I really need some advice. Background I've been with my DH for 10 yrs married for 6. We both had DCS from previous relationships as we both were teenagers when we had DCS having a child together was never on the cards we were both happy with our lives.
Last year I fell pregnant, we were shocked after much soul searching and tears (me) We decided to continue with the pregnancy.
When I was 7 mths pregnant my DD1died suddenly i was devastated and the last 2mths of my pregnancy were horrendous i felt completely numb and just wanted to be with my DD.
My gorgeous DD2 arrived 5weeks ago i fell in love with her the minute i set eyes on her. I'm still Greiving and have bad days but I'm trying to get on with things.
Yesterday my 2Sils and a friend came for lunch i was upstairs feeding the baby when I came down they were in the kitchen talking about me and DD1. SIL was saying that i looked terrible and she didn't understand as DD had been a total nightmare and she was glad her brother didn't need to put up with all the trouble she had caused anymore. The other 2 never pulled her up.
I somehow managed to get through lunch then made excuses to get rid of them. I spent the rest of the day in tears and I've spent today wanting to go to her door and tell her I heard what she said.
I miss my DD1 so much and don't understand why somebody can be so cruel.I feel such a failure as a mum and my gorgeous LO is stuck with me.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 03/01/2016 08:38

What a horrible, nasty, vile thing. I'm so sorry.

Your DD only passed away a few months ago and you have a tiny baby, what does she expect you to look like?! I'm so angry and sad for you. What a nasty woman. Who would think let alone say such a thing?

I am so sorry for your loss.

PhoenixReisling · 03/01/2016 08:39

You need to speak to your DH.

There are just no words really. I don't think that I could ever speak to her again.

As for the other SIL/friend I would tell that you heard EVERYTHING....and wait to see what they say. If they go into to say how they told her how wrong she had been lie then ditch them too, if they tell you that they had been shocked and wish they had in hindsight spoken up then I would evaluate that and see if I could believe them.

Dontunderstand01 · 03/01/2016 08:44

OP I am so sorry about your daughter.

As for your SIL... If your husband will tell her to fuck off and bar them from the christening then great! Tell him and get the evil woman out of your life for good. You don't need to have anything to do with her again. Cut her out, focus on your family.

(I don't think I have ever been so mad at reading a thread and the advice I want to give is much more aggressive but I know it's not exactly sensible to punch someone in the face).

BrieAndChilli · 03/01/2016 08:45

BIL died 2.5 years ago aged 29. MIL still has really bad days. Losing a child isn't something you ever get over

Sunnybitch · 03/01/2016 09:02

I'm so sorry for your loss coco Flowers I cannot understand how someone can say something so dreadfully cruel. You have shown true strength (although I know you probably don't feel strong right now) in not only how your coping but to also not go raving mad and knock the heartless bitch on her ass!
please tell your oh and leave him deal with this vile woman and you just focus on looking after you and dd x

Samantha28 · 03/01/2016 09:03

I agree with the posters who say that you should not read anything the silence of the other two women . I had a similar experience to you ,in that I lost one child while I was pg with another .

At the funeral , one women came up to me, in front of others , patted my hand and said " do you really think this is the right time to have another baby ? " .

The others present just looked shocked and quickly went on to talk about something else . No one, including me, took issues with her outrageous comment . That doesn't mean anyone agreed with her , just that we were so shocked we didn't know what to say .

Of course, now I wonder why I didn't say some thing , or ask why she thought that was ok . Or did she think I'd conceived in the week between the death and the funeral ? Or why getting an abortion would help ? Or indeed where she thought I could get one at four months pg ? Or what doctor in the county would actually agree to do one under these circumstances ?

No , I just stood there, wondering if I'd heard her correctly . I'm sure thats what the others thought . And what the other SIL and friend thought it your situation .

Even on here, several posters have said that they had to read your OP twice , because they couldn't actually take in what she has said, it was so cruel. Decent people find it hard to believe that anyone else could be so nasty .

It doesn't mean they agree, they were probably stunned into silence .

If I were you I woudo get my DH to contact her and say that given her views and her comment, she is not welcome at the christening

sandgrown · 03/01/2016 09:27

You are no failure OP if you brought up a child on your own when only a teenager yourself. You will never forget your first DD but it will get easier in time to think about her. Enjoy your beautiful new daughter and ask your DH to deal with his mean sister. As for the other two, I would speak to them individually and them you overheard then gauge their reaction. Thinking of you Flowers

CalleighDoodle · 03/01/2016 09:53

I thought about this some more. Would it be possible to have your guaband ohone the two women as well as his sister? Take a different approach with then than sil, but rather than you having to deal with it.

cocochanel21 · 03/01/2016 12:00

Thank you everyone for your kindness.
My DH has come home I foned him at 2.30 am. At first he didn't understand what I was rambling about and when he said he was going to fone sil(silent 1) to come round i nearly lost the plot. He didn't really say very much just kept telling me to go to bed.
He got home at 7am and he'd been to the 3 of their houses on his way home. I don't really know what happened at his sisters house all i know he barged in and pulled her out of her bed. I suspect she's standing by her view. The relationship is now over and we won't be having contact ever again.
As for the other 2 friend texted to say DH had come banging on her door this morning irate she was very sorryand Iif she's known i overheard she would have said something.she went on to say she knew our friendship was probably over she won't contact me again and hoped through time i could forgive her.
Other sil sent her DH round with flowers DH told him to take them back and stick up his wife's ARSE.

I want to thank everyone complete strangers for ur kind words believe me i have re-read this thead over and over all night.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 03/01/2016 12:04

Your DP is amazing. I'm so pleased he can be strong for you (and also for your DD).

How do you feel now? Is it a relief?

littlemermaid80 · 03/01/2016 12:10

Good on your DH.

rumbleinthrjungle · 03/01/2016 12:24

How lovely to read about a woman with a whole heartedly supportive partner for a dh. I'm so sorry you've been put through this OP Thanks

Fannycraddock79 · 03/01/2016 12:33

What a complete cop out from the friend "I know the friendship is over, I won't contact you again", puts all the emphasis back onto you. I would suggest she wasn't a very good friend in the first place so you're well rid of her. I hope that you and dh will make sure everyone knows why you are now having no contact with all 3 of them, I would imagine that they will get no sympathy. Someone I know lost their 17 year old a couple of years ago. They then had to deal with their own mother telling them "you don't know how I feel, you've not lost a grandchild". Her own mother also asked her if she thought her "grief was worse then mine", in a tone suggesting that it clearly wasnt. She was berated for not paying £500 for an extra funeral car to transport her mother and father, was berated again for not letting her bil (who her 17 year old didn't like) carry the coffin and was told she had stressed her mother out and made her get shingles. However if you were a friend of her mother and sisters you'd get a very different story. They are deranged. Now she is NC with all of them and genuinely doesn't care. Good luck to you with going through the grieving process all over again, sounds like you have a strong dh.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/01/2016 12:37

Iif she's known i overheard she would have said something.she went on to say she knew our friendship was probably over she won't contact me again and hoped through time i could forgive her

Such a shame, because it's when you are not around you need the support as well Sad

You DH is brilliant Flowers

Theimpossiblegirl · 03/01/2016 12:38

Wow. What a DH! Good for him.

When things have calmed down, please consider being more forgiving to the other 2 women. They have both tried to reach out and have expressed regret at what was said. It wasn't them and I'm pretty sure they are devastated at what has happened.

smileygrapefruit · 03/01/2016 12:44

I posted previously saying how sorry I was for your awful situation and of course that still stands but I had a little smile when I read your update, I'm so pleased you have such an amazing DH by your side x

steakpunararemediumwelldone · 03/01/2016 12:47

I don't think I would forgive the friend unless there is more to the message than the OP says. Saying sorry is not the same as saying ' I totally thought she was being a twat and she had stunned me into silence with her breathtaking cuntery'.
As the other SIL sent flowers that were sent back it is harder to say whether that is what she would have said.

For now Op Flowers and time ignoring them all is best.

WitchWay · 03/01/2016 12:47

"if she'd known you'd overheard she'd've said something" - that's big of her!

well done to your excellent DH the part about shoving the flowers is my favourite Grin

luciole15 · 03/01/2016 12:53

Wow your husband rocks! So good to have him stand up for you.

Wishing you all the best for the future. I hope you find peace and comfort when remembering DD1 and enjoy lovely snuggles with DD2 and hope the rest of your family and friends continue to support you.

Groovee · 03/01/2016 13:02

Your dh is amazing. Much love to you X

FreakinScaryCaaw · 03/01/2016 13:05

So glad your dh is being so supportive.

BifsWif · 03/01/2016 13:11

I felt a little swell of pride for your DH then! He is bloody amazing, and I'm so glad you have his support.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

AliceInUnderpants · 03/01/2016 13:13

Glad your DH is supportive.

Do you want to tell us about your daughter? Flowers

JohnLuther · 03/01/2016 13:19

Well done DH, I'm glad that he's supporting you.

TheImprobableGirl · 03/01/2016 13:20

Really good of your dh for being completely on team and standing up for you. This is how my dh would've acted and it makes me really happy that he came and stood up for you

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