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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overheard Sil talking about me, devastated

236 replies

cocochanel21 · 02/01/2016 21:00

This is my first time posting I really need some advice. Background I've been with my DH for 10 yrs married for 6. We both had DCS from previous relationships as we both were teenagers when we had DCS having a child together was never on the cards we were both happy with our lives.
Last year I fell pregnant, we were shocked after much soul searching and tears (me) We decided to continue with the pregnancy.
When I was 7 mths pregnant my DD1died suddenly i was devastated and the last 2mths of my pregnancy were horrendous i felt completely numb and just wanted to be with my DD.
My gorgeous DD2 arrived 5weeks ago i fell in love with her the minute i set eyes on her. I'm still Greiving and have bad days but I'm trying to get on with things.
Yesterday my 2Sils and a friend came for lunch i was upstairs feeding the baby when I came down they were in the kitchen talking about me and DD1. SIL was saying that i looked terrible and she didn't understand as DD had been a total nightmare and she was glad her brother didn't need to put up with all the trouble she had caused anymore. The other 2 never pulled her up.
I somehow managed to get through lunch then made excuses to get rid of them. I spent the rest of the day in tears and I've spent today wanting to go to her door and tell her I heard what she said.
I miss my DD1 so much and don't understand why somebody can be so cruel.I feel such a failure as a mum and my gorgeous LO is stuck with me.

OP posts:
NameRanger · 02/01/2016 21:16

I meant that they're just as bad as your sil as they didn't pull her up on what she said.

Finola1step · 02/01/2016 21:20

What she said is completely unforgivable. I can only think that the reason she wasn't challenged by the others was due to shock and not wanting to cause a scene in case you heard. But that is lame.

Wrt to your SIL, you must tell your dh. You can not keep this to yourself. It is too big and it will eat away if you if you keep quiet.

I would advise one thing. Muster up the courage to do it face to face if you can. Simply tell her that you heard what she said. That you are not looking for excuses or an apology as none will ever suffice.

And then walk away.

ravenmum · 02/01/2016 21:21

As raisin said, maybe the other two just didn't know how to respond to that crass comment and sat with their mouths hanging open.

AvaCrowder · 02/01/2016 21:21

You poor thing.

How could anybody even think that there is a positive side to the death of a child?

If I were you I would tell your dh and your pil. It's so, so horrid.

I would not entertain your sil in any sense of the word.

Tiredemma · 02/01/2016 21:21

Unforgivable.

Heartless bitch.

HerRoyalNotness · 02/01/2016 21:21

Im so so sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine how you held your head up and go through lunch. I would have screamed the place down and thrown all three of them out.

This isn't something that should be brushed away or let go of, I'd confront the SIL with your DH present and their DHs also. Absolutely despicable behaviour from them.

AccordingtoMe · 02/01/2016 21:21

This is heartbreaking, so sorry for your loss.

You need to let your dh know that you heard everything and let him deal with this on your behalf.

My heart goes out to you

SoleSource · 02/01/2016 21:21

Ph I am so sorry you heard this about your DD. You must have understandably been in shock to sit through lunch with these utter pieces of shit.
So hurtful.

How utterly vile of them.

We support you and we are here for you.

Flowers
clam · 02/01/2016 21:22

I'm so sorry to read this. I can't imagine how that must have hurt to hear such an awful thing, on top of your indescribable grief.

I think you should tell your dh what you heard, and let him tell his sisters. Then stay the hell away from them for as long as you can. They can then squirm and hopefully feel deep shame at their behaviour.

LillyInTheMoon · 02/01/2016 21:22

Dear god, what a nasty and spiteful thing to say. That's completely unforgivable.

Flowers I'm so sorry for your loss. I echo others who have said to please tell your DH, you shouldn't bottle this up or deal with it alone.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/01/2016 21:22

Fuck. That. Bitch. I hope your Dh never expects you to see her again?
You're a lovely mum and both your dd's are lucky to have you.

timelytess · 02/01/2016 21:22

I am so sorry for your loss - the words are so inadequate Flowers.

Your SIL has a big, uncontrolled gob which is not linked in any way to her brain. If she has feelings, or empathy for others, those qualities are so deeply hidden it would take a team with a JCB to dig them out. What she said has no bearing at all on who your dd1 really was.

When you can, tell your DH and explain why it will be a while (perhaps never) before you can tolerate the SIL's presence.

Cherish your memories of your precious dd1 and know that you were her mum, and that's what mattered. Its what matters to baby dd, too. You'll be exactly what she needs, because you are her mum.

AvaCrowder · 02/01/2016 21:24

It's wrong, of course, but with the other two I would expect that to be stunned silence, rather than tacit agreement.

Hand holding here, with tears in my eyes.

penguinsarecool12 · 02/01/2016 21:25

I would have exploded if i was you. What a awful thing to even think let alone say, and to say it in your house. I would definitely raise it with your husband if you haven't already.

fastdaytears · 02/01/2016 21:26

You absolutely must tell your DP. You need his support and together you can decide what to do about his sister.

I am at a loss to suggest any kind of explanation. Is she jealous of your relationship or the new baby? No excuses anyway whatever she's going through.

I don't know how you're coping with this. How old was your DD?

NorthernLurker · 02/01/2016 21:26

How unbelievably cruel of her. Why would you go to someone's home and speak like this about a newly bereaved parent?
Awful.

BathtimeFunkster · 02/01/2016 21:27

Don't presume the other two agreed just because they didn't say anything.

If someone said something like that about a recently deceased baby in her mother's house I would be completely speechless and unable to react.

It is such a shocking thing to think, never mind say.

So sorry for your loss.

mintoil · 02/01/2016 21:28

This is utterly dreadful. What a total bitch she is. I cannot begin to imagine how you must have felt.

I agree you must tell DH and get him to speak to SIL.

Flowers
Donthate · 02/01/2016 21:28

So sorry she is a first class bitch. You need to speak to your DH. Flowers for you.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 02/01/2016 21:28

"with the other two I would expect that to be stunned silence, rather than tacit agreement."

I agree. I wouldn't know what to say if someone said that to me, I would be stunned that they could be so callous.

Please don't take it to heart, this is one of those times when what someone says really does say much more about them than it does about the person they were talking about.

If I was you, I wouldn't cover for her, she doesn't deserve it. Tell people you are upset with her and what she said.

GabiSolis · 02/01/2016 21:30

Oh wow, that's shockingly and unforgivably awful. OP, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and for your vile SIL making it even worse.

If you haven't already, I think you need to be honest with your DH about what you heard.

ravenmum · 02/01/2016 21:30

Oops, too fast ... coco, do you mean you feel a failure as a mum because your SIL said your dd was a nightmare? Don't take any notice of her, will you? She's clearly not got an iota of sense in her if she's not able to understand why a grieving mother would look terrible. I presume (hope) she's not a mother.

Or do you mean you feel bad for not saying anything? You must have been in shock, who'd expect.a comment like that or know how to react?

Rainbowglow · 02/01/2016 21:37

I am so sorry for your loss. 5 weeks is no time at all and it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. You will have good and bad days.

Regarding your SIL I really would not waste any energy in confronting her. Speak to your DH and get support and love from him about what happened You dont have to see your SIL. Focus on your family and surround yourself with people who love and cherish you.

UterusUterusGhali · 02/01/2016 21:39

Of all the cunty things I have heard on this site, this really, really is amongst the worst.

I don't know how you should address this. I think telling your OH should be the first thing maybe. He must know.

She needs to be pulled up on this or she'll think this is an acceptable way to be. You'll never be able to be friends with her either way I imagine. The family needs to know why you'll never be able to tolerate her.

Is she very young, your sil?

springydaffs · 02/01/2016 21:39

That is just too, too awful. I am so very sorry - for the terrible loss of your dear daughter and also that you had to hear such an appallingly cruel comment. She is barely human to have said such an appalling thing. My heart goes out to you.

Ime people say the most shocking things to the bereaved. But there is no excuse for what she said. Perhaps the others were so shocked by what she said they were speechless. I would be - some things are just beyond the pale and they were gobsmacked.

Ime of extreme circumstances I cut people like this out with no ceremony, no explanation. I've enough to be getting on with, there's no space left to confront ignorant people.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope your new baby is a comfort to you xx

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