Overheard Sil talking about me, devastated

[cocochanel21]

This is my first time posting I really need some advice. Background I've been with my DH for 10 yrs married for 6. We both had DCS from previous relationships as we both were teenagers when we had DCS having a child together was never on the cards we were both happy with our lives.
Last year I fell pregnant, we were shocked after much soul searching and tears (me) We decided to continue with the pregnancy.
When I was 7 mths pregnant my DD1died suddenly i was devastated and the last 2mths of my pregnancy were horrendous i felt completely numb and just wanted to be with my DD.
My gorgeous DD2 arrived 5weeks ago i fell in love with her the minute i set eyes on her. I'm still Greiving and have bad days but I'm trying to get on with things.
Yesterday my 2Sils and a friend came for lunch i was upstairs feeding the baby when I came down they were in the kitchen talking about me and DD1. SIL was saying that i looked terrible and she didn't understand as DD had been a total nightmare and she was glad her brother didn't need to put up with all the trouble she had caused anymore. The other 2 never pulled her up.
I somehow managed to get through lunch then made excuses to get rid of them. I spent the rest of the day in tears and I've spent today wanting to go to her door and tell her I heard what she said.
I miss my DD1 so much and don't understand why somebody can be so cruel.I feel such a failure as a mum and my gorgeous LO is stuck with me.

OP first off your SIL is a FUCKING NUT JOB!I'm sorry but she really is,there is no excuse what so ever for what she said and there never will be.

As for the other 2 are they scared of her maybe?For me though honestly I'd never wants anything to do with any of them ever again.

I know you've said your husband is away with work but OP if it was me I'd be ringing him right now and telling him whats happened there's no way you should be dealing with this on your own.

I am so so sorry about your darling daughter,I can't even begin to imagine how your coping I really can't.

The fact that your managing to parent your youngest DD after what you've gone through shows what an amazing Mum you so obviously are!

Please don't take any notice of the arse that is your husbands sister,honestly I'd pity anyone that has to have anything to do with her,she's obviously a very damaged and very unkind individual to have said what she said.

carben - listen to Bogey

Coco I echo both the sympathy from all of us, and also the PP who said 'tell your DH now'- you need his support right NOW, and if he goes in all guns blazing then bloody good on him. I am RAGING on your behalf and cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

To lose a child is unthinkable, to lose one whilst pregnant must be even harder (if such a thing is possible given how unthinkable losing a child is), and to have been subjected to that today is just heinous beyond words.

Congratulations on the arrival of DD2 and you sound like an incredible Mother. Coping as you are with the loss of DD1 what, just 13 weeks ago?, and managing to nurture your little one. SIL is a cunt of the highest order.

Was the friend who texted also the same friend who was at lunch?
As I concur with many PPs as I suspect I too would have been so simply stunned that I would have been incapable of speech, but if the text IS from same friend then she probably wants to see you are as may suspect you overheard?

Just {{{hugs}}}

This is very possibly the most awful thread I've ever read.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

No words I have can convey what heartless bitches those three are.

Love and support to you and your LO.

Xx

So sorry for your loss

Do they know you overheard?

Jesus Christ, that one of the most despicable things I have ever read here.

You need to tell your husband right away, you can't and shouldn't go through this alone.

Let him deal with his monster of a sister.

I'm so sorry about your DD.

Carben It seems reasonable to presume he HAD to go? Not remotely sure what possible benefit you think your comment/s might gift OP right now?

Maybe engage brain before hitting keyboard....esp. on a thread as heartwrenching as this one?

I'm so sorry op I lost my dd 20yrs ago this Xmas in all honesty I'de have dragged their her out of the door by her hair. The other two might have been too,shocks to,have said anything, but I would still feel let down by their silence. I would have to to block and delete her from my life, I'de tell everyone what she has said as well.

I'm really sorry about the loss of your lovely dd op. You are not a failure as a mum. Sorry that your dh is away at the moment it must be so tough dealing with a new baby alone on top of everything else. If you're able to phone him do so soon as you can and let him know what has happened with sils. I can't believe how heartless some people can be.

Just seen your update about friend texting you. Is this one of the ones who didn't say anything? I assume it is as you said you ignored the text message.
I personally know how hard it is to sometimes articulate responses, and it's entirely possible that if the mute friends didn't say anything, that they were shocked into silence.
I'd give them the benefit of the doubt - if they didn't actually say anything, you don't know they were feeling the same.
Most likely stunned into silence. It takes a strong state of mind to just come out and say something against another such as "wow, that was a nasty thing to say, did you mean that?" or something similar.
I can do it a little bit now, but that comes with getting old and less able to put up with negativity and bullshit.
I'd text the friend with something along the lines of "sorry, I'm a little bit upset as I heard what SIL said about me."
Gauge her reaction - if she's any kind of friend she'll be absolutely mortified you heard such bile and say she didn't agree with a word of what she said but didn't feel like she could say anything.
After all, they were in your house, if it had been pulled up on even if there wasn't a scene there would have been a cold tension you would have picked up on when re-entering the room.

I'm another poster who quite literally had to read your post twice, because I could not believe I was reading correctly. What an unspeakable thing.

I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I won't pretend I understand, because that would be to demean what you are enduring, but I think every mum can understand how much you love your DD, and therefore have some idea how painful hearing such genuinely, literally wicked remarks must have been.

The only respectable reason I can imagine for the other two not challenging her is that they were worried doing so might cause a fight, there and then, that would mean you learned what she had said. In that situation, I would probably say nothing at the time, and then turn and say all I had been storing up as soon as we had left the house, and there was no chance you would be there to be hurt. I wouldn't stay silent from lack of horror, but to protect the bereaved mum. Is that possible at all - that they said nothing not because they weren't appalled, but because they were trying to protect you from ever knowing it had been said at all?

Again, I agree with other posters: please tell your DH.

X Post with Kryptonite - she's right of course, what was said was so shocking the friend may not have been able to believe what she was hearing. Shock can silence people.

cocochanel21 I am so very sorry for you loss.

I know it must be very difficult to talk to your dh about what his sister said but I (IMHO) think you should as soon as you can.

She said something incredibly hurtful about your daughter in your house, she sounds totally devoid of empathy and common sense! To run the risk of your hearing her awful thoughts was totally and utterly wrong. I hope you and your dh can decide together what to do with regard to this.

As far as your friends go, INHO in your shoes I would want to give them a chance to apologise. If they are real friends they may well have been utterly stunned and may not have wanted to prolong the 'talk' for fear you would hear. Maybe they just wanted her to shut her evil mouth. You did not see their facial or body language, I presume, so please do not assume they agree. But I agree with you they should not have kept quiet.

What an abominable excuse for a woman your SIL is.

There's every chance that your other guests were so shocked and stunned that they couldn't speak. When you feel up to it, it might be helpful to respond to your friend with a text explaining that you're so distressed by what you heard that you can't face meeting- it might be that your friend wants to offer support, especially with your husband being away.

I think you need to tell your DH what happened, and I think you need to be honest with the rest of the family about what SIL said. Anyone who can make comments like that will have no qualms about lying to avoid looking bad in front of her family.

I'd invite them for tea. Have your husband or a friend who can keep you string there. No tea.
Tell all 3 what you heard her say.
Tell her that this was so hurtful.
Let her squirm.
Repeat how hurtful it was.
Tell Hubble/ friend what your plan is.

Unforgivable. I am so sorry for your devastating loss and for having to deal with this bitch from hell! Maybe the other two SIL's were so shocked at her remarks that they didn't know what to say??

Please do tell your DH - he needs to know.

I've just read your posts and the thread again. I am even angrier now on your behalf than when I first read your OP earlier on.

I am shocked that she would say that about her own niece. Unforgivable. Tell your DH and let him go in all guns blazing.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Tell him. Let him tell them to F off. Would be appropriate and save you the job.

Shocking... sorry you heard all this. Maybe the other two didnt agree but were shocked in to silence. I would be.
Text them and explain you heard

So sorry for your loss OP
Am absolutely gobsmacked that your SIL not only bad mouthed your late daughter in your own home, where you could have heard her and did. Am disgusted in the people listening who didn't put her straight. The whole thing must have been so awful for you. If she had any respect for you or her brother she would have kept her shocking opinions to herself or at the very least not said it in your home and your earshot.
Tell your DH and then tell the nasty piece of shit that seeing as she spoke so terribly of your deceased child that you are glad you know what an awful human she is and now no longer need her in your life. Then never speak to the bitch again. Truly awful.

Having just reread your OP and my post above, I think I may have made a mistake about the niece reference. Truly sorry.

Please tell your dh and let him deal with his sister.

I too would assume the other two women were probably in utter shock with disgust at the comment and had no words.

Sorry for your loss x

You are a good mum; you are an incredible person to withstand so much, please remember that.

My dad died when I was pregnant with my dd, it is nothing like losing a child, I know, I totally understand that. It did make the pregnancy difficult. You have my total sympathy for this terrible experience.

I do hope you will find help to process your grief. Experiencing grief when there is a new baby around can be very hard. The first few years of my dd's life we spent a lot of time around my mum, at her home, away from our own. It seemed like almost every weekend, and she was grieving of course. It took a long time for her to overcome that grief, to some degree. But my dd, as a baby, did not think it unusual that we spent so much time with her grandma etc. In the same way your dd2 will obviously hear about your dd1 and grow up knowing about her. I guess what I am saying in a jumbled way is that parenting your new lovely dd and grieving your lost lovely first dd will happen at the same time and the sorrow and joy can mingle and to some degree you will find (I hope) the peace amid it all.

I am not sure about the right terminology but there does seem to be some process of moving through the grief, over time, if does happen to some degree, I've heard, even for those who have lost a child. If you can access any help, someone to talk to, please do.

Cruse bereavement care is an organisation that has some sort of support
www.cruse.org.uk/

There is a help line and various things on line, and sometimes in some areas too.

I hope and pray your dd2's Christening will be a time of joy. I am sure sadness too, but also some joy.

Please discuss this horrible issue with our SIL before the Christening day, as soon as you feel able.

You may wish to consider whether it is right to ask her not to come to the Christening, if you or your husband do not wish her to be there. I know she is your child's aunt, so this may be hard for her or your husband. It may be she apologises and you feel able to include her in he day.

Either way, please do discuss this before the day.

Do not allow her callous attitude and this specific comment to detract from your, your husband and your dd2's day.

Thinking of you.

What a nasty fucking cow. Excuse my language but that has got to be the most spiteful vile disgusting thing I have ever heard on here. Tell your dh, let him tell the three of them to fuck off and never come back. .

I am so so sorry about your dd, I really am.

I agree with a PP - let your DH say what the hell he likes. Let him tell
Her to fuck off and he'd much rather she was the one who was dead instead of your DD if that's what he wants to say to her because she deserves it. I cannot comprehend why someone would say such an awful thing. And in your own home. Truly awful OP big hugs