in love with him but he never wants to see me again

[Pain1]

I met a guy quite casually and I fell v deeply for him v quickly. I was wobbly emotionally when I met him and although we only met twice we had sex and I developed a massive attachment to him. It wasn't a very healthy relationship at all.
I think I scared him in the end. I was almost suicidal. He's blocked me on everything and never wants contact again.
I can't seem to move on from this experience. I've never felt like this before about anyone and I can't forget him Ive tried everything.
None of it makes sense.

A lot of what you are saying is about how you don't want to be seen as a nutter. You want to be a worthy as these other hurls etc.

This is you trying to find your own self esteem and your own self worth in the regard of another.

You need to learn to do this for yourself.

He was tapp8ng ibto this and using it against you (probably has his own deep seated esteem issues - I say that not to make you think poor him but to point out he isn't better than you or superior or in anyway entitled to have opinions about you. He doesn't know you ffs and is prohecting in order to manipulate).

Have you looked up negging? It is part of a misogynistic formulaic way of getting women.

You need to learn to see who you really are so that when someone bullshits you you see it as their issue and not a reflection of you. He is not your mirror.

Small. Excellent post.

People on here thought I sounded nuts. I do think there's something wrong with me to react like this

You need help to sort out your perspective on what happened. It sounds horrendous and you seem to need to control the outcome and that's impossible and hence your confusion.
You have become stuck in this. I was stuck for four years. I know. Best thing I did was go on Ads. And realised I couldn't control it despite all my obsessive efforts.

It's plain to us all that he wasn't worthy of you and not the only way other round and thank god he didn't stick around because that car crash, would have taken a lot longer to recover from.

Visit your GP because you might need more support (AD's) than just talking therapy.

This is a moment you're stuck in, a fucking horrible, depressing and debilitating moment but a moment notherless and it shall pass.

yeah it does sound nuts on the bare face of it, but erratic or strange behaviour doesnt come out of nowhere and youre not a bad person. Most of us im sure have done weird stuff in our life. Done crazy things. Things we look back at and cringe. Dont let those things define you. You are not the mistakes you have made. (I often need to remind myself of this)

You're not nuts - your OP read like that, perhaps, but the updates gave more context.

Think of it this way:

How would you feel if a complete stranger walked up to you in the street and say 'hey, can I fuck you and beat you, because that's how I get my rocks off because I am a cunt of the highest order-'

You would be appalled and shocked, you'd tell them to fuck off, you'd maybe drop by the police station. You certainly wouldn't say 'OK.'

To get you to a place where you did say OK this man had to do a lot of work on you. Yes, perhaps this partly happened because of low self-esteem or poor boundaries on your part, all of which can be worked on. But he put the work in to get you to say 'OK'.

He did it very well, so that after you had sex, you continued to want to say 'OK'. Whatever switch he flicked in you is continuing to cause you pain, and we're sorry for that. It has led to you making poor decisions with regards to your behaviour towards him.

But none of that is your fault

So you must stay strong, stay busy, stay logical. He got you to a place of extreme fucked up-ness, because he wanted to have extreme and violent sex with you.

Get angry.

Also no medication will make you feel instantly better. It often gets worse then much better. In my opinion you need at least 2 months on ADS before you realise you feel better.

He sounds like a steely misogynist who knew exactly what he was doing . The BDSM crowd, the ones deeply into it, work all kinds of psychologic techniques to get their "sub" attached. These techniques WORK.

What's in it for them? This guy sounds like a sadist to me. Not enough for him that you consented to being hurt during sex, eh? Didn't quite do it for him. Had to go further and hurt you without your consent.

And no, the attachment women feel to men after sex has got nothing to do with Victorian prudishness and nice girl values- not that there's anything wrong with having nice girl values but women are sneered at sometimes for being prudes. It's to do with the fact that sex is inherently dangerous to women because of the deep rational fear of unwanted pregnancy, or the fallout of an unwanted pregnancy WHICH MEN DO NOT EXPERIENCE DURING SEX BC THEY DO NOT GET PREGNANT

I loved what boredwithlaundry said. Men and women are very different and what is cruel in all of this is that you have been led to believe that men and women react to sex in the same way.

Now I'm talking about standard sex. He's ratched it up with his SM, meaning whatever bond you would have already formed towards him as a result of the sex, as been magnified a thousandfold.

And I repeat : they know what they're doing. They boast about it, share "best practice " and so on.

But if you want an answer as to why he would do this, I do know but don't want to get flamed. What I can tell you though is that it was not personal even if he pretended it was

Firstly. You are not nuts. You are simply mistaking and obsessing that you need to prove to him your not a nutter in order for you to let go of your pain, your putting your self worth in his hands and seeking his approval to feel better.

You need to love and approve of yourself, you don't need him to accept you.. I'm not been funny but any man who goes around randomly slapping women and brushing them physically and mentally is in no place to judge you.

Your fragile atm yes, you have experienced limerance that is all. He on the other hand is something else, he's the bloody nutter.

Yes you need to work on yourself, but first you need to not judge yourself for your behaviour. We all have a past, mine is very similar to yours. The only important thing is how we learn from it and grow. We aren't who we was, we are continually growing and I feel you may be trapped as your so ashamed about how out of control you got that you mistakenly need his approval and your going round in circles.

Decide today is the first day of the new you. Sod him and how he sees you. Delete him number. Start reading about healthy relationships, Develop better boundaries so you don't grow as attatatched and don't get hooked in by men like him. Most importantly don't shame yourself anymore. Your not odd or crazy, you was limerant. Limerance can bring our attention to areas we need to work on, it did with me. I did sone very bizzare things when limerent, in fact I was quite stalker ish and just wouldn't leave the man alone long after being dumped. I made excuses that I may be pregnant, text him under false names, went on for a good year!! I was very young at the time but ya know I learnt from it, that was 13years ago now and I honestly don't recognise myself back then and I've grown.

Sorry I've rambled a bit but wanted you to know it's very common what your going through and you will learn from it

But now we've heard more detail, and we know you're not nuts. You were and are vulnerable, and you were taken advantage of. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you.
When I get angry I really want to leave him a vm
I want to tell him lastly that what he did was wrong. I want to plant the seed in his head that he was abusive. So he can't get it out of his head. Like I can't get it out of mine.
I wonder if that would bring me closure

A book that will really help you get through this is "Loving to Survive" by Dee Graham. She explains everything that you are going through, with practical suggestions about how to move on. It applies to any situation where a woman feels attached to a man after sex, and in particular situations where the woman is more attached to him than he is to her.

www.amazon.com/Loving-Survive-Violence-Feminist-Crosscurrents/dp/0814730590

You need to get angry and realise he isn't worth it.

Yes it would be nice if abusive men knew they were abusive but the world does not work like that. They either know already but do not care or don't know and nothing you say will convince them - you are just a woman and they know better.

Either way it makes no difference to you.

He is not your problem.

Sweetheart, he knows he is abusive. He is getting his kicks out of being abusive. He hates women. He loves abusing women. He didn't abuse you by accident - there can be no 'wake up call'.

Nothing you can say will change him. He cannot give you closure.

I think that contacting him again just offers him more opportunity to hurt you. Examine what your motivations are too - is it just another way to reach out to him, and to try to affect him? That's not the way to closure.

As SmallLegs says, if he's a dick, he's a dick. And telling him that he was abusive will either be dismissed, or he'll get off on the fact that he hurt you that much.

Delete his contact info and work on distancing yourself from all this.

Thank you all.
Yes the voicemail would be to affect him and let him know I realise what he did and for him to feel uncomfortable and bad.

But he will just think I'm a crazy bunny boiler. I can't win either way I'm still trapped.
Everyone says it will pass so I'll just have to hope for that relief.

I appreciate your advice
I am reading and listening

Leaving a VM won't bring you closure. He can't bring you closure. You're the only one who can do that.

You are not trapped. He isn't the key. You are still thinking he is the cause of uour pain. Thinking that makes you think he is also the solution. He isn't.

Yes contacting him is a waste of time.

You can free yourself. You can heal yourself. It will just take time.

Ok

Sakura tell me why he did it
Even in a message please tell me what you think

It doesn't matter why he did it, Pain.

Even if you knew; it wouldn't change his behaviour or yours.

You will make yourself very unwell continuing to feed this obsession.

You need to concentrate on you and your child. Difficult as that is.

He did it because he could. He is a violent thug who hates women. There is no peace to be gained in working out his motivations. He did it because he could and if you hadn't answered his OLD ad (or however you got in contact) he would have done it to someone else. It really is as simple as that.