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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

in love with him but he never wants to see me again

241 replies

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 18:14

I met a guy quite casually and I fell v deeply for him v quickly. I was wobbly emotionally when I met him and although we only met twice we had sex and I developed a massive attachment to him. It wasn't a very healthy relationship at all.
I think I scared him in the end. I was almost suicidal. He's blocked me on everything and never wants contact again.
I can't seem to move on from this experience. I've never felt like this before about anyone and I can't forget him Ive tried everything.
None of it makes sense.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2015 19:12

of course it is intimidating to threaten suicide !

it's the ultimate in manipulation ! There is nothing more terrifying than that.

Anyway, clearly you are in a very bad place and I am not helping. Good luck

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:13

No you are not.

OP posts:

Tiggeryoubastard · 27/12/2015 19:14

If you were both willing partners in whatever sex you had then there's no reason why he shouldn't. And as for 'he gets to block and delete and carry on with his life' well yes, that's entirely his right. And he did nothing wrong doing that. In fact it could've been worse, he could have strung you along. You sound out of control. Are you sure you're honest with your therapist? Stop laying blame and work on yourself.

Tiggeryoubastard · 27/12/2015 19:16

AnyFucker is right. It is manipulation, and abusive. Again - concentrate on yourself, not this poor bloke.

boredbylaundry · 27/12/2015 19:16

Dear op
I think some really u sympathetic replies have been posted on here actually . I would like to send you a hug . You clearly met somebody you felt a real connection to and it is sad and disappointing to lose that dream ... However long or short your time with him was .

I think sex can make us females extremely vulnerable .. It boils down to biology in my view . We are programmed to form attachments to somebody when we make love.

Please don't be so hard on yourself babe or listen to those who are hard on you . It can happen to the best of us . Honestly it can .

I think the first thing is to accept you feel this way and he feels the way he does.

Don't punish yourself for it
Sadly it's life

But the old adage of " love only those who love us " makes sense

I suspect you went through some stuff prior to this that made you emotionally vulnerable
Do go and talk to somebody please .. Not because you are scary in any way but because you love yourself and deserve good things and to develop some strategies to protect yourself
There are a lot of " love em and leave em " men out there and I don't think us females are designed to cope with it

I wish you in a very happy place this time next year . Be strong please x x x x x x x x

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:17

I am not laying blame with him. I know that is his right and I respevt that. I was explaining that he had a part in this to. It's hard when you can't explain the full story.
Yes I am completely honest with my therapist.

OP posts:

exWifebeginsat40 · 27/12/2015 19:17

i'm guessing the kind that feels emotional not just physical.

OP, your perceptions are off and you need to continue to work with your therapist to sort this out. i understand your feelings, and i'm sure you know this behaviour isn't ok.

you say you were on the up when you met him. from what?

KwickNC · 27/12/2015 19:17

Can I ask how you found out he blocked you please OP?

BackInTheRealWorld · 27/12/2015 19:19

Ooooh love, you're not well. Honestly.

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:19

Thank you board. If I didn't know it was wrong to tell him I wanted to end it I wouldn't feel bad about it. I wasn't lying though. It was all v messed up.
To say I was abusive is absolutely ridiculous. But again you don't know what he did to me so you are entitled to your view from that perspective.

OP posts:

AloneNlonely · 27/12/2015 19:21

Couldn't read and not post. You've had some harsh comments here I think op. Credit for recognising that you are not behaving in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.
I am actually in a similar situation, and reading of limerence from threads on here has opened my eyes. I am going to book myself some cbt and hypnotherapy in the new year. I want to be me again, but right now I'm lost and can't find me anywhere.
I have a semi supportive sister who has been through the end of a relationship that was not healthy and knowing that we can all let the crazy overflow sometimes makes me feel better! Just not too much eh
It's always easier said than done, but if you recognise that the issues are likely more than just this man you are on the right track. For me I see that the end of my marriage, albeit my choice, and the loss of my darling dad a few years ago are still very much unresolved.

I sometimes feel so ashamed of myself, and though I haven't gone as far as suicidal thoughts I have yearned for an escape of some sort. Do you have any rl support op?

Branleuse · 27/12/2015 19:22

Be careful OP. You shouldnt be pushing your own intimate boundaries so soon after meeting someone if it means that you immediately form some unrequited bond

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:23

I have so many people saying I'm unwell or crazy maybe it's true. But I'm trying to make sense of it all and getting help.
Like I emphasise I do meet other men! Never have I behaved like this at all with any of them. It's v upsetting and strange to me.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 27/12/2015 19:23

im wondering OP, do you have issues with your mum or dad?

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:24

my parents were here to help. Picked me up off the floor. My mother said what I did to this guy was very very wrong. They are supportive.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 27/12/2015 19:25

Well two things jump out.....
Its stereotypical to say we can't cope as women with 'love them and leave them' types. He was well within his rights to say he only wanted a casual relationship..you could have excepted that and chose to emotionally blackmail him with talk of suicide. I honestly am not reading here anything that indicates you being sorry more 'he had a role to play'.... Does he? What has he done to deserve that?
I think he has done the right thing by blocking you and I hope you get help. He doesn't have to see or get your connection ....
Lastly look at the time scale. It's more worrying your not 16 or a giddy inexperienced teen. You can't know someone that quick or profess love.
Get help. And stay away from relationships for a while.

AloneNlonely · 27/12/2015 19:25

Apologies if you thought I was saying you are crazy. More of an off the cuff comment than an accusation!
I actually think we are all vulnerable sometimes and need our hands holding.
Take your pic op!

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:25

Alone I hope you feel better soon too.

OP posts:

BackInTheRealWorld · 27/12/2015 19:26

Have you ever really thought from his perspective, if you met some guy and after two very casual dates he was saying he couldn't live without you and was threatening suicide...

Would you think he was mentally well? Really?

You must surely understand how this is coming across.

I stand by what I said earlier, I don't think you are very well love. And I mean it very compassionately x

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:28

When I rang him and told him those things I was in a place of deep pain. I am sorry for doing that and it was wrong.

Yes he did have a role to play! You don't know exactly what he did to me and I don't want to go into it here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:29

I agree backin I know it was awful. I wish I'd never done it but I did.

OP posts:

sallysparrow157 · 27/12/2015 19:30

Much as you felt an incredible connection with him, you do not actually know this person if you only met him twice. The connection is to an idea of the person he was, not the actual person he is.

a good friend of mine has been where you are. He met someone through work (as in through phone calls and emails not in person). They got along and for some reason she wanted him to fall for her, she in her online and phone call discussions really emphasised the aspects f her personality he liked. He felt they had this amazing connection and met up with her a few times. Felt he loved her. She suddenly said she didn't want to see him again, told him to stop calling her, blocked him. He was devastated. He told me about her, about how amazing she was. Some of the things he said, I thought 'hmm, that's not actually that nice', some things I thought 'hmm, that's actually very different from the person she sold herself as'. We talked and he began to see for himself she actaully wasn't who he'd built her up to be. The person he thought she was was the ideal wonderful lovely girlfriend he wanted her to be, that person never actually existed, she was partially based on who she pretended to be and partially on what he really wanted her to be.

I may be wrong but I think this may well be what is going on here. It massively fucked him up for a bit, he had to see the relationship for what it was and what it wasn't before he could get through it.

lorelei9 · 27/12/2015 19:32

your mother's right - what you did was very very wrong.

I have only ever come across the term limerence here and tbh I was a bit baffled by it.

Your feelings for this guy won't really have much, if anything, to do with the guy. Keep on with the counselling. I hope that sooner rather than later you will look back and think "WTF was I doing?!"

also, you say stuff like "you don't know what he did to me" - it's pretty pointless asking for advice with half the story hidden. Something to think about - that's not me trying to get more info, just saying you can't post half a story and be angry when people think it's the whole story, especially if you have missed out info that you yourself feel to be vital to the story.

if you are looking for "has anyone recovered from infatuation" - yes, I've been infatuated but never ever thought to threaten suicide. I now barely even remember it. As I say, hope that time will come for you soon (in my case, more than 10 years ago and really a sign that other stuff was wrong in my life, not least intense boredom!)

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:33

Sally that's exactly it. He told me he liked me for months of asking before we met. Said he wanted something regular and serious. It really messed me up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pain1 · 27/12/2015 19:37

I know I want to explain what he did but it's extremely identifiable and quite private. It did change the experience somewhat but not my infatuation with him.

OP posts:

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