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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD (22) surprise engagement...worried

230 replies

JudoJelly · 26/12/2015 14:51

My DD is engaged, she is 22. She has been with him for 3 years since they met at the start of uni. They want to marry next christmas. They have never stayed overnight together or been on holiday and refuse to move in together before marriage. She has just got a reasonably well-paid job and we are helping her buy a flat but he is struggling to find a job. I knew they were considering marriage (they are both religious but DH and I are not) but didn't realise it would happen so soon. I have always felt living together for a few years and getting careers sorted was wise.
I'm concerned there is no real spark. They see each other every few weekends (DD is living in our hometown, he is living at their old uni town). DD seems to love the idea of it all and security of being 'sorted' (her words) but I just don't see real, passionate love and excitement. His upbringing and what he wants in life is very different from DDs but she says they'll work it out. It all is very rushed. Apart from church friends, none of DDs friends are engaged. Some have boyfriends but marriage is definitely not on the cards anytime soon!
If this was 4-5 years time and they had lived together (or even just been on holiday or generally seen that they can cope with extended periods of time together) then I'd be overjoyed. I don't believe he isn't 'the one' for her, I just don't think the time is right or see the rush.
Obviously they are adults and can do as they wish. I would not intervene and stop this but words of wisdom/advice would be useful. DD is generally very sensible and open but I know I need to tread carefully.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 30/12/2015 20:27

I do agree with math absolutely although it's going to be difficult to do that without causing bad feeling, can you and dh have an unforseen expense that would put paying for the wedding out of the question? You risk it looking like an attempt to control if you withdraw funding for something you'd said you'd pay for.

funnyperson · 31/12/2015 07:47

I still think OP is being very controlling and undermining
Both are well over the age of consent
Future MIL is laying thorns down

tobysmum77 · 31/12/2015 10:16

Shec can't expect you to pay for the wedding if you've already bought her a flat. That is totally unreasonable. Smile, crack open the chmapers say 'congratulations' and then let them start their adult life.

Original poster
JudoJelly · 31/12/2015 13:55

funnyperson how am I being controlling? I am not asking out of argument, just interest as I am doing my absolute best to support my DD in her decisions.
Have you read later posts. I agree at first I was pretty confused and expressed my opinions but later posts I explain how I've dealt with it and we are supporting DD in her decisions, just want her to be sure in them (as she has admitted worries to me).

OP posts:
funnyperson · 31/12/2015 16:37

Oh judojelly I'm sure your worries are expressed on here and not to her in person and who am I to throw stones? I express my opinions far too freely to dd and ds on their private lives as they often tell me. i wish I held my tongue more though. As mothers we underestimate how seriously offspring can take us and how damaging we can be. Our lives are not their lives. We are not the same people. Chances to meet Mr or Mrs right or nearly right dont come that often. Marriage is scary and it is normal and indeed sane to be not 100% sure but to take that chance is important imo.

So it all might end in divorce and tears like 50% of marriages in this country but does that mean they shouldnt marry at all? Who knows. Perhaps they won't and then you might have to live with the guilt of contributing to your dd's spinsterhood. Who knows. As a future MIL though what you say and do now is important for your future relationship with the couple.

nooka · 31/12/2015 18:04

I don't know how it is in the OPs family, but in mine the parents always paid for their daughters weddings (which has it's downsides, and I won't be following tradition for my two!). If my parents had then said that they wouldn't pay because they didn't like dh (they didn't) it would have been a massive snub. Not something that could have been papered over at all.

The OP is clearly walking a tricky line, she wants to support her dd, but she doesn't agree with her life choices and she is worried for her. All very natural. I think all she can really do is to encourage her dd to take things slowly and get to know her young man better. Hopefully she is wrong to be so concerned and they are well suited and their marriage will last and be sustaining to them both. Or they realise that they don't really love each other well before any significant commitment is made. A year is a long time after all.

SauvignonPlonker · 31/12/2015 18:08

Perhaps I'm digressing a bit, but I'm rather horrified that parents would pay for their daughter's wedding nowadays. Maybe it's just me. It just seems so outdated, and sexist.

When/if my DC get married, I'll make a contribution of sorts, but I'll certainly not be paying the full cost of a wedding.,

funnyperson · 31/12/2015 23:17

sauvignonplonker thats interesting. In our family it is expected that parents wiil have put aside money to pay. Of course it is the upto the dd to decide whether to spend it on the wedding celebrations or something more sensible. But its a bit like setting aside money for funeral expenses. Important.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2016 04:58

'Spinsterhood'?

There is more to life than that M.R.S. in front of your name.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2016 04:58

I feel the same as you Sauvignon.

Roussette · 01/01/2016 08:18

I have never known anyone not pay for some of their daughters wedding and your post saying otherwise is the first I've heard of different. Of course the couples should contribute too and from the weddings I know, the couple pay for the evening do. I have DDs and I expect and want to pay for some of their wedding.

I think Judo sounds a lovely Mum and is concerned as I would be with a DD of mine. She isn't telling her DD what to do, she is just supporting her and advising her (when necessary) in life's decisions. Thats what Mums (and Dads) do.

Helmetbymidnight · 01/01/2016 08:58

you might have to live with the guilt of contributing to your dds spinsterhood

Wow.

I think this really illustrates the differing mindsets people have towards women's lives.

SauvignonPlonker · 01/01/2016 09:53

I was meaning when the brides parents pay for the entire wedding, thinking that was perhaps outdated nowadays?

Yes, I would make a contribution of sorts eg buy bridal dress, drinks or honeymoon but not the whole thing. And I would contribute the same for DS as I would for DD.

wafflerinchief · 01/01/2016 09:56

we seem to have gotten lost in Austen! (sorry couldn't resist). I'd rather my DD was single in her 20s than got married too early - it's not like this scenario is unprecedented or unlikely! FWIW it ought to be easier to keep the assets you came INTO a marriage with, it doesn't seem fair to be able to get hold of unearned assets merely by virtue of marrying someone.

SSargassoSea · 01/01/2016 10:54

I gave a lump sum for wedding - they can do what they like with it, add more if they wish or blow it all on a honeymoon. Costs of weddings can get out of hand so giving a lump sum avoids having to be involved in the decision making.

SSargassoSea · 01/01/2016 10:55

...... and each DC gets the same amount.

SauvignonPlonker · 01/01/2016 11:02

With you on that one, Sargossa!

I'm horrified at the thought of bride's parents paying for the entire day, especially with the scale/cost of weddings nowadays.

Sansoora · 01/01/2016 12:20

I'm horrified at the thought of bride's parents paying for the entire day, especially with the scale/cost of weddings nowadays.

If people who do it aren't horrified by it is there really any need for others to be horrified on their behalf? I think not. Smile

nooka · 01/01/2016 18:04

I suspect that in general wedding parties organised by parents might well be cheaper and small scale than weddings organised by brides or brides and grooms. Certainly I'd expect them to be more likely to be traditional. The major downside for the marrying couple being that they are organised by the parents/PIL, and are therefore generally family/parental friends dominated. Which is fine if you are young and marrying from home, but not if you really have grown up and away.

I anticipate giving my children a lump sum if needed, advice (on the party) if wanted and that's it. My sisters and I all found our weddings quite stressful. I don't know if my brother resented not having his wedding paid for (he was twenty years older though).

Just goes to show how different expectations and traditions in families are though doesn't it.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2016 20:40

I will not be contributing towards weddings at all. My thought is you have the wedding you can afford. If you can't afford a wedding at all, then maybe wait until you can.

Woodhill · 02/01/2016 11:06

we're paying for some of the wedding as is the groom's parents.

My dd is a student so has no income but luckily her fiance has a good job.

We were a bit shocked at first but are coming round to the idea.

I hope it gets sorted out for you OP. I know it is hard with your dc when you are not sure if they are doing the right thing.

loooopo · 02/01/2016 11:37

Are they actively wedding planning - ie have they set a day etc?....or are they just engaged? Have they plans to spend more time together during the engagement....is he looking for work in the place where your DD now lives or is will she move jobs to be where he is? Do you have concerns for his prospects....or is he just in the process of apply for grad schemes which generally dont start until the autumn?

loooopo · 02/01/2016 11:42

His upbringing and what he wants in life is very different from DDs

What are these differences ? I think that they may be more significant in many ways than getting married early.

Groovee · 02/01/2016 11:50

I got married at 20 after meeting dh when I was 19. We're still together nearly 19 years on. We've had our ups and downs but come through it.

I know a few people who have married youngish who are still together while others have been divorced for a while.

My dad kept telling me I was too young but I refused to listen.

Ahsoka2001 · 18/01/2024 14:03

PLEASE NOTE - NOT A RECENT THREAD. HAS NOT BEEN POSTED ON SINCE 2016.

Hi, OP. I’m just wondering how it all went in the end? Did your DD marry and if so are they still together?