DD (22) surprise engagement...worried

[JudoJelly]

My DD is engaged, she is 22. She has been with him for 3 years since they met at the start of uni. They want to marry next christmas. They have never stayed overnight together or been on holiday and refuse to move in together before marriage. She has just got a reasonably well-paid job and we are helping her buy a flat but he is struggling to find a job. I knew they were considering marriage (they are both religious but DH and I are not) but didn't realise it would happen so soon. I have always felt living together for a few years and getting careers sorted was wise.
I'm concerned there is no real spark. They see each other every few weekends (DD is living in our hometown, he is living at their old uni town). DD seems to love the idea of it all and security of being 'sorted' (her words) but I just don't see real, passionate love and excitement. His upbringing and what he wants in life is very different from DDs but she says they'll work it out. It all is very rushed. Apart from church friends, none of DDs friends are engaged. Some have boyfriends but marriage is definitely not on the cards anytime soon!
If this was 4-5 years time and they had lived together (or even just been on holiday or generally seen that they can cope with extended periods of time together) then I'd be overjoyed. I don't believe he isn't 'the one' for her, I just don't think the time is right or see the rush.
Obviously they are adults and can do as they wish. I would not intervene and stop this but words of wisdom/advice would be useful. DD is generally very sensible and open but I know I need to tread carefully.

I thought I would want to stay at home with dc and I know DH would prefer me to. But it turned out I'm terrible at it, can't cope with anything vaguely domesticated and don't have the patience. So I went back to work and crucially DH supports me 100% because he wants me to be happy above all else.

If things don't quite work out as anticipated, will they be flexible with their vision? If he can't earn enough for example she will have to go back to work.

They need to spend a decent chunk of time together, I don't see why they couldn't do a city break with separate Premier Inn rooms or similar?

There may be an issue with the siblings here. You say they are all career focussed and anti settling down. Maybe she is using the marriage, mum & church route as a way of ducking out of competing with them and emphasising her individuality and independence from family expectations.

they are marrying because they want to live together (i.e. have sex) and their friends at church say they can't do that without marriage.

they REALLY need that preparation course...

this is why I am so glad that this taboo is disappearing. While a breakup when living together is still no fun, at least we now get a chance to check each other out properly first before marriage.

Sorry, I have come across negative about her. I am not, I have a brilliant relationship with her and have previously been able to be positive and supportive about her differing, strong religious views. I love her dearly and an glad she gets so much from her involvement in the church. I am so proud of how successful she is.
I just want the best for her and my immediate reaction was of fear in this situation. She is by beautiful, bright little girl and I don't want her to be pressurised into anything (be it pressurised by other church-goers, him, insecurities or unrealistic expectations) but equally I would not want her to feel unsupported or pressurised out of something she wants and that is good for her...

Sometimes you "just know"... sometimes you think you know and realise you don't.

I got engaged to DP at 18, and then immediately we started thinking uh-oh, have we done the right thing, are we going to be getting married too soon, we haven't even lived together.

Fast forward three years, we have a 20-month-old DD, have lived together for two years and are still in no rush to get married, but at least now we know that we can stand to live with each other there's a lot to be said for sex before marriage and living in sin - it's important to know that you're compatible first. Can't imagine anything worse than marrying someone and then finding out that she snores/he slobbers when he kisses you.

She thinks differently from you. She doesn't agree that moving in together and living together before marriage is a good idea. You will have to let that go. She is hardly too young or moving too quickly, she's been with him for 3 years and they are having a year-long relationship.

Marriages fail for all kinds of reasons, even when the people have lived together before. I lived with my boyfriend for 3 years and had an 18 month long engagement and we divorced when I was 30. My sister lived at home until she married at age 25, to another 25 year old, and they are still happily married 24 years later.

CoE! You'd think they were in a cult the way you are going on.

I don't think you've come across as negative about her at all.

You're anxious about this plan - and rightly so.

I think it's the really inconsequential things that are important. If you said to someone "oh she leaves her shoes where she steps out of them" I'm sure 99% of people would shrug it off. Actually living with me it is different and might drive you totally crazy, you won't know until you do it!

They will definitely have preparation courses, too before marriage.

I very much agree with trackrBird hat the 'getting it all sorted' element of this is the most worrying part.

This could be present whether she attends church or not, and whether or not they lived together. This is the part that spells doom, imo.

You say they don't spend very much time together. I would worry that their relationship has therefore not been tested enough by serious issues that might serve to develop their style of communication or reveal aspects of their personalities that lie under the surface.

Have they ever had a serious fight/argument? How do they handle that? Can they fight/argue respectfully?

Does DD know of some issues but thinks good intentions will smooth the way? Or is DD blissfully unaware of what issues might exist, agrees in a theoretical way that there might be some, but hopes commitment will help them get past them?

I sincerely hope they will be put through a rigorous pre marriage course at their church, where many serious hypotheticals will be worked on.

Many people all over the world get married without living together or having spent nights together. In many cultures it's the norm, people spent enough time to get to know each other, many of my friends who are happily married have never been alone with their husbands before getting married. They really got to know each other after marriage, and they married not for passion, excitement etc. but because they were suitable. At the end of the day it's her life, if she believes she is ready then she is. It is not up to you to decide where they need to be in their careers, or whether she should of should not be a house wife. There is never, in any circumstances, a guarantee that a marriage will be successful. No career, living together, long term or short term courtship, none of that will guarantee anything.

They are in a LDR now, after 3 intense years at uni together....they must have spent enough time together in uni to get the measure of each other.

I worry if the pre marriage counselling will be of any benefit.

What do you think their differences are?

I can't say that this wouldn't worry me. The religious element alone would worry me!

I guess, the harsh truth is, that we can only be there to catch them if they fall.

Give yourself time to come to terms with it all.

They are hardly rushing in to it! 23 is also not young.

Could you offer to pay for them to go on holiday this year as an engagement present? A two week holiday somewhere remote in s cottage with separate bedrooms? Just get them sharing some washing up and laundry and spending more than ten hours together at a time might help bring some issues up for them to sort out before getting married? You could send 25 year old dd as a chaperone!

I totally understand your concern. I'm watching my 25 year old recovering from the break up of her relationship (together for 6 years, living together for 1 year). I always had some hesitation about him but made myself approve and NEVER voiced any concerns. Of course, he's behaved appallingly, not worked, drugs etc - she's heartbroken. I reckon she's had a lucky escape but I know I could never have voiced my concerns.
Good luck with this - it's the hardest thing in the world standing back and watching them make their mistakes....

This is almost certainly part and parcel of her religious worldview. I have a couple of good friends from my uni days who are Christian and both got married fairly quickly once they entered into a steady relationship. My impression is that long courtships are frowned on, in case they lead to sex before marriage. Accepting this may have to be part of accepting her religious beliefs.

If they don't believe in sex before marriage, what other views do they have... I'd worry that she wouldn't believe in divorce.

I totally get your concerns jelly and don't think you are coming across negatively.

Re I am more concerned that they have never spent more than 10 hours together and the majority of the time they see each other every 3rd week for about 5 hours. It isn't about the not sleeping together/living together, more the quantity of time and worry if they are actually a match.

Can you encourage or suggest she does some project with him, something that means they will be together a lot more. A church renovation or short term mission trip? Be careful what you wish for, she may ditch him and end up being a missionary, if you suggest somewhere like France for mission she would be your door step!

DH nd I dated for 2 and half years before a six month engagement. We did go on holiday without sleeping together, it's not easy but is do-able. She could go interai;ing or the modern equivalent of it, staying in YHAs etc. I think she needs to see him in a variety of situations.

Could you suggest a family hiking and youth hostel holiday together, all the family, to get to know him, or rent a cottage (separate rooms if they want) for a family holiday? If you go out of season it would be cheaper and you and your dh could pay as a treat. Seeing him day to day in a home environment you may discover why she loves him. In many ways the more basic and simple the better! No internet or TV, wintery walks and board games in the evening! Either you will see how lovely he is or she might see how unlovely he is!

I agree the being sorted is the most worrying bit and I think only part of that is about being religious.

Aside from the religion what else is he, are they, into? When you are young and a Christian it is easy to be quite 'dogmatic' or 'on fire' I know I was. As a 50 something I am much less so but I hope just as faithful. I know others who have changed and developed. The fact it is a C of E church hopefully means it won't be teaching anything weird (I hope) and they really should do prep classes. Good luck. To all of you.

I was going to say YABU (I know it's not AIBU) - I got married at 22 which was only 4 years ago - but I do think it's foolish to not have lived together before marriage! I can't fathom that at all. When you're young and in love you should have holidays together, make a home together, be frivolous with your money, save for the future, and live your life together eg her experiencing his stinky poops, him hanging her bras on the clothes airer etc (or vice versa of course, these modern times) 😄

Hufflepuffin I just typed my post before I saw your post. Great minds think alike. I was thinking washing up too!

fox I don't think the op is telling her dd to do anything. As a parent she is rightly concerned for her dd and is worried that dd might be enamoured with the idea of a wedding rather than the reality of a marriage. I appreciate in many cultures arranged marriages are common as is not living/sleeping together but in this country it's less normal. Im not against young marriages technically i married at 18 given i moved in with my DH then although we didn't marry for a number of years. Marriage is tough and I imagine divorce is even harder the op wants to spare her dd a possible bad marriage. Marry in haste, repent at leisure isn't a proverb for no reason.

I married someone at 22 I didn't feel passionately about. We were together almost 2 years then married nearly 3. By chance I met someone else straight away at 25 and we have been together 11 years now, married 5 and have 2 DCs. I was still young but my feelings were totally different about current DH.

My DB and SIL have been together from age 19 and 16. Married at 25 and 22 and still together 16 years later. They have had a few rocky patches but have always worked hard ato their relationship and seem really happy. It doesn't always mean young = won't work out.

Sorry also meant to add my parents felt similarly to you but did not say anything at all until we had separated. I asked them why not as I wish they had but they said they don't believe I would have listened and it could have caused issues between us, they said I needed to decide for myself, they were probably right.

I read somewhere you should marry someone who gives you the feeling you get when your food comes towards you in a restaurant. No one makes me feel that good!