me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

So he should contact the landlord and ask for his name to be taken off the tenancy, then the council will be able to help him!

Jux, that's what keeps me going- what makes me stay angry with him, my ds11 is a lovely boy, and I'm not just saying that because he's my son, he really is lovely, and I'll never forget how he cried when he was called a cunt, by someone who supposedly "loves" him.

He's not come back thank goodness, hopefully, he's got the message now, I'm praying that he has.

He told me yesterday that he'd been to the council, and that they wouldn't be able to help him if I chucked him out as his name is on the tenancy agreement Tell him to take the ring back and use that for a deposit. He doesn't need council help if he can afford that he can rent a room until ha can find a new flat.

Hope you get a peaceful night CowsCock. Good for you for shutting him down like that earlier.

Hope you get a good night's sleep. A pyramid of empty soda cans stacked against the door is a good makeshift 'intruder alarm'. Not that I've ever done that after watching American Horror Story when DH has been gone overnight, no, not me!

Caveat, don't try it if you have an animal in the house. They'll invariably knock it over and scare the bejeebers out of you!

My son and me even sat down with his dad and my son even asked his dad not to call him a cunt and explained how it made him feel , his father just said it was the way he was brought up and my son . At 14 , shouldn't take it to heart ! Some men just cannot be spoken too and do not have a better side to appeal too , good for you sticking to your guns , with at great attitude you will all get through this eventually x

He's still not been back - he phoned his daughter though and told her that he's sleeping in his car.
I know that he wants me to beg him to come back.

The kids obviously see me
as the villain now, although I've gone to great lengths explaining to them that he is manipulating them to think like that.
Surprisingly, my dsd is the only one
not having a go at me- my own kids think I'm evil.

Yep they will because they are young and taught to believe what people tell them , however a real father would not want their children fretting about them he would not tell them all this because he'd want them to be happy and not be upset ! I'm sure he's got friends etc he could sofa surf with he's got people to confide in , it's not appropriate to tell a child that sort of thing and upset them ! Keep focussed , be consistent with your children and your actions as you have been and they will get through this

Yes, that's what I told them- that he's telling them to make them feel sad.
He probably does have a work colleague he can stay with, he's just waiting for me to ask him to come back which won't happen.

Bullshit he's sleeping in his car! Someone like that looks to their own comfort first and foremost. He's either sleeping on someone's sofa or he's gotten a hotel room.

You're just going to have to be patient and calm with your children. If DSD sees the truth about her father and is willing to back you up that he's not the kind to 'sleep rough', that might help the others see the truth. But only if she wants to, of course. She may prefer to stay out of it. I do think it might be a good idea to have a quiet chat with her and ask her not to share these types of things with the others and/or not to hand her phone over to them to talk to him. That's you're there if she needs to talk about what he says to her, but that it's confusing for the younger children.

This is why I think it would be a good idea to try and minimize his communications with the children. I don't remember their ages, are they young enough for you to keep their phones and only give them to them when friends call or such? If it continues, consider changing their phone numbers.

This will sound all wrong and harsh but please stop caring what the kids think. You don't owe them your life. You owe yourself a good life and if it means they don't get to live with their abusive father then tough.

The thing is carcass- he would sleep in the car just to make himself look like the poor wronged man.
He has options, not many, but he doesn't have to sleep in the car
My children want to see him, they miss him apparantly.
My dsd spoke to him today, and my dd13 was desperate to speak to him to find out where he was staying.
I've remained calm and have explained things as best as I could to the kids, it's so bloody hard trying to explain emotional abuse and manipulation to children though- they're just too young to understand the complications of an adult relationship

My dd is 13 and I have three ds who are 11, 9 and 4

This is the bit where I caved, when he started using the kids to manipulate me.

Tell the things are final and he will sort himself out eventually. I don't think you can stop your stepchild contacting him but you can your other kids.

Yes they'll hate you in the short term but it's for their own good in the long run. If you cave you'll end up in the depths of hell emotionally.

Be ready for the late night knock at the door and a cold, wet, wretched man standing crying not attempting to wipe his snot away in front of the kids. He will step it up to get back in.

Yes, he may well be sleeping in the car, and as you say he would be doing it deliberately in order to make everyone feel sorry for him, particularly the children. I knew a man who did exactly that.

Tell the older ones that he could easily stay in a hotel or find a flat but that he sleeps in the car because he wants to. Don't worry about explaining his motivation further than that. That really is enough. If one of them says "but it makes me feel sad, it's not fair for him" you can say "yes, but we know he could sleep somewhere else, so he must want to sleep in his car." Let them figure out the rest.

He may be telling them he's sleeping in his car, but IMO he's not actually doing it. No one as self-centred as he is would make himself so uncomfortable when a well-told lie will do. He knows there's no way to prove or disprove his lies.

Jux has it; you just make sure they know that he does have options and that it is his choice to 'sleep in his car'. All you can do is calmly repeat it over and over to them. And do your best to avoid them being able to talk to him. And 'no' to his seeing them. If they ask why explain that he'll have to have his own place to take them to if he wants to see them. That's another thing to add if you need to; if he really wanted to see you he'd find a place to live so you could come over. Under NO circumstances do you agree to him seeing them at yours! No way!

Just wanted to join this thread. I am in almost the same position, my dh has been ea for 25 years but the lights have only just come on in my head, mostly because I witnessed him doing the same to ds and dd . Asked him to leave in November but he said he wanted to stay until after Xmas, he ruined it for us all though by acting like his normal ea self for the whole thing, has not made any effort to look for somewhere to go and seems to have forgotten that I am divorcing him. I need to tell the kids in the hope that it will force him to realise I am serious, but so worried how they will take it. Telling him to go was the hardest thing ever and feel so angry he is blatantly ignoring it.

Lonely, it is dreadful how they simply ignore the needs of everyone around them unless they coincide with what they themselves want. If I were you, I would start a thread in this section, Relationships, to get advice and support tailored specifically to your needs, and to have a place to rant, to cry, to wonder etc.

I am sorry Christmas was ruined for you. Next year will be different, eh? I will look out for your thread.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time this Christmas too Lonely., agree with Jux- I'll look out for your thread.

To both you and Cowscock though, briefly, in case it helps, I think kids are often good at working out what is really going on if they have the headspace and support to do so, so counselling or an impartial/friendly adult to talk to can really help. They often just need an adult who will listen to them, rather than every adult in their life telling them competing versions of what to think and do.

Maybe come back and post a link to it Lonely04

Thanks everyone, have started a thread in relationships, 'Hand holding needed'

How are things today Cowscock? I hope you and kids are all okay.

he took the undies to give to to who?
he left the champagne= drink it and celebrate op.
he's left before and you let him come back? = Change the locks op.
he took the cash card and phoned to give you $$ [and get back in]
he called your dd a cunt?=never let him near your dcc again
you feel sorry for HIM??=get counselling op.
contact ss re how to benefits until you can get a job.

Thinking of you, hope you are staying strong.

With regard to the dc it's okay to tell them that you can love and miss someone even if they are unkind and treat you/other people badly. They will have conflicting emotions.