me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP. I know your situation is very, very hard, but your poor dsd has just been abandoned by her father. What she did was wrong and makes your life even more difficult, but she must be feeling extremely insecure at the moment and is probably acting out.

Well, she has no phone now, so she will have learned a lesson, remember not to leave you purse or handbag anywhere she can get it.
Across the pond. Very Many folks in the UK think they are entitled to some kind of hand out. It usually depends on salary, number in the family, & assets.

Cows, surely if he says he has a 14 yr old daughter he has to lodge it will help his housing situation. Legally he is responsible for her & not you. you are not next of kin. ring them & say (even if you don't intend to) he has to go, but as P has nowhere to live what is the foster protocol ? It might give them a nudge in the right direction. Yes, I really do NOT believe he is sleeping in his car un sub zero temperatures, he will at the very least be going to a Travel lodge. Nice clean sheets, hot shower, bed made........

Across, anyone earning around the minimum wage mark is unlikely to be able to find affordable accommodation in many areas of the UK. Things are better in the North and in parts of Wales and Scotland, but anywhere in a 2hr drive of London is extortionate. I pay £700 a month for my tiny one-bed flat around an hour from London, and I consider myself lucky to have got it at that price. Minimum wage gets you a take-home pay of about £900-1000 per month (depending on how many hours you do) so for most people this would be unaffordable as you've then got all your utilities on top. Not to mention, you know, eating

By contrast, when I lived in the North just 2yrs ago I had a large 3-bed house for £500 a month.

"she" has to go

OP Have you suggested to him that he present at the Housing Office with his daughter for whom he has sole PR? They would probably offer temp at first but it would mean he had higher priority.

I know you want to continue caring for her and I fully agree she's better off with you than with him. However, you are in a bit of a no man's land because you don't have PR, can't claim child benefit or child tax credit for her, and can't effectively parent her because you can't legally make decisions for her or even get her a GP appointment, for example.

I went through similar with my D(S)S and we ended up in this sort of no-mans land when his dad died, but his birth mum wouldn't sign over PR to me, or "officially" tell social services he wasn't living with her. It was incredibly stressful for both of us. :(

I've told him to tell the council that I want her out ( I don't) and they will make him a higher priority, but he said when he told them that they were only going to offer him a double room with her- I find that hard to believe, a 14 yr old girl in a bedroom with her father??
I'm going to ring the council tomorrow and see what info I can get out of them.
It seems any help he's being offered he throwing back in their faces.
They offered him a room FFs, he turned it down because he wasn't allowed visitors and he'd have to pay £80 per week. I think he doesn't want to be helped.
He also hasn't been going to work, as he hates his job. He's trying his very best to present himself as a poor sad lonely man- he wants me to feel sorry for him.
He said that everyone's having a go at him, that he keeps getting moved on by the police, an that a gang of youths were harassing him in his car, well boo hoo!

Atenco, unfortunately his dd always has acted up, she seems to thrive on conflict and drama, even at school she frequently falls out with her friends.
Her dad has never punished her for any wrong doing, despite the fact they have a poor relationship, but was always keen to punish my children.
When I say punish- I mean confiscation of goods. He never gave her reasonable, lesson learning punishments- he used to smack her a lot though, and if we were out in public he'd think nothing of shouting and swearing at her or me, it used to make me cringe- people would stare, and if I said anything he'd just get louder
God I'm so glad I've ended things with him, our life with him was a nightmare, it really was, I wish I'd never met him

well he is going to lose his job if he's not going? or is this just another bullshit line?

If he loses his job- that's his problem, he's never happy with anything, he was unhappy when he was unemployed, and he got a job and is still unhappy, he's not really made much effort to find a different job.
Tbh, I sometimes think he must enjoy being unhappy

You've changed the status quo.
He doesn't want that and wants things to go back to how they were.

He has no interest in helping himself, he just wants back in with you.

Tiredvom, I think he now knows that I don't love him anymore, and that things have gone too far, I think he's known for a while.
I think he's doing all this to make me feel guilty, he loves giving the guilt trip, he's done it so many times before when he's treated me like crap- then given me a sob story.
I really don't care anymore, he's a grown man, he can sort himself out

No, they would not offer him a double room with a 14 yr old girl, more lies from him!

Maybe every time he starts talking you should start singing that "Lips are Moving" song

It sounds like his poor DD has constantly played up because she knew it was the only way to get attention from either parent.

If he brings the not going to work thing up again, you need to say sternly "That's your problem, Bucko, because if you do lose your job you are NOT going to be moving back in here and that you may tie to."

I think he's doing all this to make me feel guilty, he loves giving the guilt trip, he's done it so many times before when he's treated me like crap- then given me a sob story

Absolutely! He knows it's worked in the past, I think he still thinks it will work if he just keeps at it. But he thought that about leaving, and he's gone. He thinks that about the car, but you're still asking for it. He's going to wake up and smell the coffee soon. Unfortunately I think you're going to have to truly threaten him with his DD being put into care or something else 'drastic'.

Too bad you don't have a trustworthy platonic male friend you could move in to yours and pretend to be your new 'squeeze'. That just might do the trick! Kidding! Well, I wouldn't be kidding if you didn't have kids in the house!

Couldn't resist

Lol, funnily enough, that song reminds me of him . I was listening to one of my CDs and that song was on it!
At the moment, he brings the car to me in the morning, I take the children to school, he waits at my house, I come back, he goes off with the car, then comes back again at 3pm with the car, I pick the children up, come home, then he takes the car and goes off again. It's such a weird set up.

Across , he'd love it if I had another man- it would give him even more reason to feel sorry for himself- he keeps saying that I must have met someone else, I guess that'd make him feel better- it makes me look like the bad guy.
He's never reacted well to other men, I was once talking to my friends husband about my car (this was a few years ago) ex saw me talking to him and his face was like thunder.

And I really don't care if he loses his job, he knows that as when he's told me that he hates it there and he's avoiding it, I ignore him.
He's 52 years old, he needs to grow up and stop being so bloody pathetic.

Pocket, I feel very sorry for dsd, her mother was a drug addict- dsd was taken into care when she was 4, then her dad had full custody of her.
Her mothers family don't bother with her, and her dad has isolated himself from his own family, so really, she has no family, on her birthday she gets one card from her great uncle, and that's it. The other cards are from my family.

Does the UK have car registration papers or some kind of ownership certificate that you have to keep in the car? If so, have you checked it for the titling?

It certainly is a weird set up. And do you see how it forces you to allow him to hang around & insinuate himself into your life? That's why he's doing it. I certainly hope you are NOT letting him wait in the house whilst you do the school run! I sound like someone's mother! Which I am. Just not yours.

If he's 'not going to work' why does he need the car during the day? That's one way to trip him out. I'd tell him that he can bring the car in the morning and you will drop him off at the nearest cafe/mall/library when you drop the kids off at school. Then you will keep the car for your work and errands and you will pick him up in the afternoon after you pick up the children from school. Then he can fuck off toodle off to 'sleep in the car'. Suggest that to him and see how he panics.

As far you 'meeting someone else' and him being happy because it makes you look like the bad guy, I think it has more to do with him not being able to understand why you'd ever want to leave a 'gem' like him. It couldn't be because he's an abusive arse, could it? Nah, couldn't be! It must be because you've 'found someone else'! Another way to delude himself into sticking around. Because you'll 'come to your senses' and realize how lucky you are. Gag.

Across, there would be some paper work about who owns the car, he's always been in charge of car related matters, I'm going to have to find out who actually owns the car.
My dad loaned me the money to buy the car- ex seems to think that because we've paid back about a quarter of the money to my dad, then he owns it. He's being ridiculous.

Sorry across, he is waiting in the house while I do the school run, I know it's pathetic of me to let him.
Once I'm home, he leaves.

Apparently, during the day, he sleeps
in the car, as at night it's 'too cold' to sleep.
When he lived in my house he'd spend most of his days off asleep on the sofa, or on the laptop looking on eBay, bidding on cars he couldn't afford. Not sure why.

Haha, take the kids to school, ring him up & say it broke down & has been towed to a garage. parked around the corner & they need the reg doc to order replacement parts.
See what happens !

So what ? has he got a sick note to stay off work ???

Errr either he can take the DC to school (why are you doing it if he isn't doing anything) or he can wait on the doorstep i.e. not in the house where he can go through your stuff, eat your food etc.

If he's not actually going to work then he doesn't need the car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As of tomorrow he can wait on the doorstep whilst you use the car your father paid for!

Now, Cows you don't need to apologize to me! Funnily enough, my DS2 and I just had this discussion. We realized that we keep apologizing to each other for things that aren't our fault.

As with most parental loans, I assume there was no note or agreement. My parents wouldn't have had me sign anything, either. All you can do is say that, no, the loan hasn't been repaid in full so no, he doesn't 'own' the car. Although if he's saying that 'he' owns the car, that seems to hint to me that he's on the reg? Or maybe it's just a case of 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine'.

'Sleeps in the day'. He really does have an answer for everything, doesn't he? It must be so frustrating to you! You think you have a perfect reason for him to do/not do XYZ only for him to have a ready made bullshit excuse. Do you think if you flat out demanded the car and responded to all his excuses with "I don't care, give me the car!" that it would do any good or would he just end up saying a flat 'no'?