me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

They always involve the kids to cling on to a dead relationship don't they? I remember the carry on with my own ex when reading and it was almost identical. Arseholes!

Good luck OP, ride the bumps and don't cave or it'll be harder to do the next time.

He definitely just turning the screws with the emotional abuse. What a tosser.

Reading this has left me with a "kicked in the stomach" feeling as it reminds me so much of my parent's break up.

Agree with PP that you need to stay strong and be prepared for it to get nastier. You absolutely need to keep it as clean as possible from your end, but without giving an inch on anything, ever. An old acquaintance of mine used to call it "showing the flash of steel in the spine".

I would also say if you can access counselling for your eldest DD, do that, sounds like she will need an outlet. And it also sounds like he is trying to use your daughter as a weapon against you. You need to shut that right down, because the biggest casualty in that will be your daughter.

The break up will bring up lots she has internalised around the lack of the relationship with her own dad. But all that stuff needs letting out, not stuffing back in the box. What she is saying now might be uncomfortable, but you know what, it is good that she is saying it not bottling it all up.

It is legitimate that she is upset and scared at this time. Your STBX is hijacking her feelings, telling her what is causing those feelings (even though it's not that, or not just that). It's a very effective emotional manipulation technique. If you can separate out those two things- her feelings and his gloss on them, you'll be in much healthier place.

As a suggestion, listen to what she is saying, acknowledge her feelings as legitimate. Try to get ahead of the curve on that by periodically actively asking her what is wrong if she seems even the slightest bit upset. Counselling would be good, if that's not accessible, a caring and impartial adult like a friendly teacher or older cousin/aunt/uncle could help. There will be good books for teens on this.

At 13, she will probably be old enough to start to understand what emotional abuse is. Gently educate her if you can. In a neutral way, above all by leading by example. This could become the reason she is able to avoid emotionally abusive men in her own future. It could also help her be a bit immune to the emotional abuse teenagers dole out to one another regularly. This can be a positive thing in the long run. She can begin to see through this type of behaviour much younger than most people do.

Don't let him turn her into a weapon against you and your resolve int he sort term. Don't let him turn your relationship with her sour in the medium or long term.

I hope someone can offer you good practical advice about getting him out of your home asap, sorry I don't know more about that. Women's Aid will.

Plus, I read somewhere, never accept a gift from someone who is abusive to you. It erodes your own self-esteem. It creates all kinds of blurry obligations and murky feelings. I started doing this with my SIL, who is low level abusive to a lot of people. Makes me feel a lot better. If it is impossible to give it back to him, then give it to an appropriate charity (e.g. local women's aid or refuge) so you are turning his energy against him.

in a similar spirit of turning his energy against him, if you feel at all unsafe, or that he is damaging your children you could sell it and use the money as an escape fund, but if you don't desperately need the money for practical escape reasons, get rid of the gift.

Good luck

I have this feeling of dread when people tell me he'll get nastier, I don't think I can take much more of his venom

Oh, so sorry Cowscock, didn't mean to upset you more.

It's just a forewarned is forearmed thing, but I understand it can make a difficult situation feel worse.

If you are strong enough to get this far, you are string enough to finish it. The hardest step of any journey is always the first, and you have done that already. You can do this. The most difficult bit was seeing his poison for what it is, you are already starting to be immune to the venom.

Would you like some with your

Pit pat, don't apologise, you haven't upset me more, a few people have said the same thing to me.
I'm just scared, I don't know what he'll do next, my anxiety is terrible at the moment.
I'm also going to need to find work in the new year- I was (unfortunately)) financially dependant on him, and have not worked for a long time, I have no qualifications, I'm terrified!
I feel so weak at the moment

It's understandable that you are scared Cowscock. That situation would make anyone anxious. It doesn't mean that you are weak! Just that you are human. You are reacting in an understandable way to an unreasonable situation.

As that is your situation re money and work, I think that you are very, very strong indeed for having started to take the steps to freedom, not weak at all.

It's ok to feel vulnerable, if it helps you take the steps to making yourself less vulnerable in the future. Fear can be useful if it wakes you up to a bad situation and stops you getting further into it.

You're only going to make your life and your children's lives better this way. The emotional energy and determination that will give you to get on with your life, will help you so much. Being free of his abuse will help you so much. Getting a job and gaining qualifications along the way is better and easier than that life.

It must seem daunting now. I've been in a similar position, I know. A friend helped me a part-time job somewhere they worked, and I studied a bit part-time as well alongside it, then got a full-time job for a while, saved a bit then studied full-time for a while.

If you have no qualifications it could actually be easier to access help for funding for training than if you had done qualifications before (especially in Scotland if you live there). You can do it . You are clever enough and strong enough to see through an emotional abuser and do something about, so you will take that cleverness and strength with you into work.

Thank you so much pit pat, this is helping me a lot to come on here- you're all keeping me focused at a time when I usually would cave in.
Is it normal for me to feel guilty for "being mean" to him- he's making me feel like the villain in all this, even though I know I'm not.
It's like he's completely messed with my head, I constantly second guessing myself

That's what emotional abuse does to you 😦

The only way to reduce it's influence is to get away from it.

He might get in your head a bit sometimes CowsCock, but you keep doing the right thing- disentangling your life from his, getting him out of your life, stopping his influence on your life and your kids. So you can take courage from the fact that despite all his games, you still keep on going down the right road- right away from him. You can trust yourself- you spotted him and you are putting a stop to him.

OP, you are right, he will get nastier. He'll change tactic when being Mr Hurt-Loving-Victim doesn't work.

Can I suggest you write yourself a letter, or print out earlier MN threads, as a reminder of why you are ending the relationship? I found this helped me stay clear and focused. When you have some clarity, it helps passing it on the your DCs. They are old enough to understand what is wrong and how his behaviour isn't healthy. In fact they NEED to understand because you and he are their role models and you are teaching them how relationships function.

Stay strong, you have come so far. If you let him back now he will only work on destroying what is left of you. There are many, many threads on MN if you want to know how it plays out - sadly it's all too predictable.

Good luck OP.

PitPat is one very smart cookie!

So he was gone all night? Good. But you do realize he did it to frighten you, don't you? Sort of like when a 5 year old kid 'runs away from home'? He thinks if he pulls a disappearing act it'll make you 'appreciate him'.

So just try to relax. If you're lucky he'll be gone all day as well. Maybe he's even decided to stay with a friend or his parents.

And you are very, very strong. You don't realize even now that you have a good reserve of strength inside you. So yes, it'll get worse, but you have the strength to win through. You do. Just focus on the destination (peace in your home) and try not to focus on the journey it takes to get there.

Sell it then treat yourself to a bit of shoe shopping

Carcass , yes he's been gone all night and all day- he took all his stuff.
I am not worried.
He has no family- he doesn't have contact with any of them.
I'm just praying that he moves on and things don't escalate any further- I really cannot take anymore, I've been shaking all day.

He took the ring with him- it was part of a "proposal pack", and with the ring, there was some champagne and sexy underwear- he told me he was going to propose to me.
He's taken the underwear too.
Champagne is in the fridge though.

If he's taken his things, hopefully this is it. I have a feeling this is just a scare tactic, though. Did he take his key? At any rate, take advantage of it and treat it as if you are certain he won't be back.

Is there anyway you can secure the house so he can't just walk back in? Leave the key in the inside lock? Can you get to a shop and buy and install one of those door-chains like hotels have? Since he's taken all his stuff, I'd think you should be able to (legally) assume he's vacated the house and you'd be within your rights to secure it since you're now a 'woman living alone' (with kids of course).

Also, is there any possible way that you can block his number (quietly) from your children's phones (if they have them, that is)? At the very least keep your ears open for phone calls to them from him. You want to try to guard against him making hurtful calls to them and asking them to keep the calls a secret. And as hard as it may be to raise this with them, I think you need to let your children know that they are NOT to admit him to the house without your permission.

Since I'm not in the UK I don't know the law, but there has to be some set period of time after which you can get him removed from the tenancy and/or get the locks changed. Perhaps CAB or the landlord would know? Also be sure you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to.

Sexy underwear???

Bleaurgggh

He is fucking thick as mince isn't he?

You:
'This isn't working, you're awful and abusive and I just don't love you anymore'

Him:
'Here have a ring, lets lets get married and never leave each other, also put on this outfit I find sexy so you can please me even more...'

I hope you laughed in his face.

I find if someone has got under your skin and is making you anxious ( and I've had my fair share of them, To the point of vomiting in fear when I was meeting them) the fastest way to being in a better place is to work towards seeing them as an object of ridicule rather than fear. It does work.

So I'd start by thinking what kind of pathetic dickhead with an over inflate ego but no actual intelligence takes a 'fuck off' to mean 'marry me'

Spend the time he's 'disappeared' in finding and copying financial documents: proof of earnings, salary slips, bank statements, etc.

You also need to have a sensible talk with the children so they understand what is happening better. That he has behaved in a way that has resulted in it not being possible for you to continue to live together, but that you love them and will always, etc. Sometimes, one person is so mean and nasty to another person they simply can't be friends any more, that he been very mean and nasty to you so you can't be friends with him anymore so you cannot live together any more..... That sort of thing.

Carcass- thanks for the idea of locking him out, although he's taken keys with him, I'm not sure if he's taken the spares.
I'm praying that he had left for good.
He doesn't have a phone- yes that's how weird he is, he says he doesn't need a phone as "he doesn't have any friends".

Castro- he has actually made me vomit before with his behaviour- on the morning of my sisters wedding day when he said he was going to ruin it by having a go at my family, he's never liked them.
And also, the last time he "left" and I didn't want him to come back.
I'm trying to see him as the arsehole he is, but like I said before, I'm a complete pushover and just feel sorry for him, I can't help it.

Jux, I've explained to dd13 about how he is and why I'm ending the relationship- she's surprised me with her maturity about the whole situation as she's a very young 13, I just feel bad for her for bringing him into her life- all she wanted was a "dad", her own dad is a waste of space.
My ds11 and ds9 don't seem phased by it at all- tbh I'm not surprised, my ds11 was the one he called a cunt, so they're most probably relieved that he's gone.
My ds4, who is our child together has been terribly behaved the last few weeks- violent, and demanding, he's always been a handful, but recently he's been unbearable.
We haven't argued in front of him, but he must have picked up on something despite being so little.
And my dsd14, she was in tears yesterday when all this was kicking off, she's fiercely loyal to her dad, despite the fact he treats her like shit as well, and although I've given her stability and looked after her, she seems to despise me.
What a mess.

Proposal pack? Jesus wept, how deluded.

Sorry to hear you're shaking. Can you ask someone to come over/double lock the door/put the time to use finding documents. doing something might make you feel more in control of the situation.

He just phoned- asking if I needed any money for the gas and electric, he has the cash card.
Fortunately I have enough food, gas and electric.
I cut the call short.
I have a sneaking suspicion that he's sleeping in the car.
He told me yesterday that he'd been to the council, and that they wouldn't be able to help him if I chucked him out as his name is on the tenancy agreement, anyone know if this would be the case?

Talk to your landlord, that's a good start. Talk to CAB and Women's Aid as well. They'll know all the practicalities. If you haven't already, go to the online benefits calculator: get your ducks in a row.

I echo what others have said about getting paperwork together. You will be entitled to child maintenance. And it doesn't take a genius or a total cynic to predict he'll get arsey about that too.

Stay strong!

Preemptive, I've already had a chat with my landlord, they told me that I couldn't remove his name from the tenancy without his permission.
I've also been on the benefits calculator, I just need to find work, then I'll be ok ( I was financially dependant on him)
I'm feeling extremely helpless, I have no savings, and no qualifications in which to get a job, although I'm happy to do any work.

Each area should have support for women in abusive situations , womens aid , national number , should be able to give info , you do have rights as he is abusive and just because he is on the tenancy doesn't make it his right to return in these circumstances , I only know this as I've worked with a mum in a similar situation , we found help through the local domestic abuse forum through the council even though she had a private landlord .

He told me yesterday that he'd been to the council, and that they wouldn't be able to help him if I chucked him out as his name is on the tenancy agreement

I wouldn't know as I'm not in the UK, but I do know better than to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. If he raises that issue again, tell him to call the landlord who I'm sure will be happy to take his name off the tenancy for him!

I think the children will settle in. Home is bound to be much more peaceful and they'll pick up on that. As far as DSD, remember that as of now she is sort of a 'guest' in your home. If she treats you respectfully and is a cooperative member of the household I'd let her stay. As long as she understands that she is not to let her father into the house and she understands that, as of now, her loyalty must be to you. But if she is being rude or stroppy, if she is talking smack to the other DCs about you or the breakup, if she refuses to keep her father out, or is being a 'source of insider information' for him, then she must go.

He'll say whatever he thinks will get him what he wants at that moment.

Do you have bolts on the front door? Did you find the spare keys, and would putting it in the lock inside prevent him from opening it from the outside? I am concerned that he will be back, indeed I do think he will try.

Be strong. Keep reminding yourself of his calling your little, nothing like adult, son a cunt. That sorry excuse for a man should never be allowed near ds again.