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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me again-please help

450 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 16:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring AngrySad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids Sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 26/12/2015 18:14

Tell your Dd it is none of her business.

kittybiscuits · 26/12/2015 18:17

Let him go - it's a stunt but it's the biggest favour he will ever do for you!

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 18:35

He's asking me why I don't love him anymore, he's caused a massive upset- my dsd is in tears, my ds4 is unsettled

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 18:38

Stop engaging with him in front of the children. Leave the house if you have to. Call a friend or family member to come round and defuse the situation or get someone to come and pick them up.

There are several ways to stop this.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 18:48

My children are so upset- he keeps questioning me, asking me why I'm ending things, he won't accept that it's over. I can't take anymore of this

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 18:58

My dsd is going to a friends house.
My dd13 is so upset, she sees him as a "father figure " despite the fact he's been a complete arsehole towards her.
She says that I've ruined everything, and I can't even tell her to stay out of it because he's involving the kids in all this shit.
What the fuck have I done to deserve this?

OP posts:
antimatter · 26/12/2015 19:24

My dd13 sees me as the villain and said "how can you kick him out".

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 19:34

Antimatter, I've told her that he is wrong in how he treats us, she knows what he's done- she just doesn't seem able to process it, she's 13, her own dad has never bothered with her, so he's all she's ever known as a "father figure".
I feel that I've completely fucked up my childrens lives.

OP posts:
Trystessa · 26/12/2015 19:46

This Is what his plan is set the children against you and you will cave , if he was a decent person he wouldn't involve the children he wouldn't want them upset , it is emotional abuse on you and the children , once he goes and when the dust settles your daughter will see it is better , the dramas will stop and you will be calmer , stick to your guns , if you need to say anything to your children tell them you love them and do not wAnt them involved in this upset , that you cannot let him stay around because he causes these dramas and that is wrong , if you are consistent they will appreciate it the end as they will know that can rely on you to make the best decisions for them , he must go though as it is affecting them , you do need help , there is domestic abuse support through the local council , this IS abuse and your children will be ok but he must go so you can have a calm home !

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 19:59

He's now gone out.. The kids have calmed down.
I can't take anymore of his drama- I've told him enough times that our relationship is over- but tonight he was acting as though I'd just ended it, and was arguing and trying to make me feel bad in front of the kids, saying that we're his only family, and that all he's ever done is "loved me".
He's done this so many fucking times before when we've argued, I can't believe that I've fallen for it in the past, what kind of "man" involves children in an argument?

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 20:12

And so it begins…….

You're going to have to be strong. His whole object is to make you cave and he's using the children to do it. Cruel bastard.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 20:24

I've told him that he's emotionally abusing me and the kids, he denies it
and says that he "just loves and cares
about us".
Bullshit, I know he's talking fucking bullshit, and I've told him this- I've told him that I've made my decision, and that it's over, (he won't accept it) and that by arguing in front of the kids he's being abusive

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 20:31

Carcass, I've been strong, I've been nothing but strong in the last couple of months- this has been so hard for me, as nasty and abusive as he's been, I find it hard to hold a grudge towards anyone, and I don't stay angry with someone for long- I'm a soft touch, a pushover really.
The only thing that has made me
stay angry towards him is him treating my children like crap, and calling them horrible namesSad

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 26/12/2015 20:39

There's no point telling him he's emotionally abusing you. He isn't going to agree with you and take responsibility for the relationship ending. It's really tough but you just have to end it and you don't need his agreement. It's very hard but many women have done it and come out the other side MUCH happier and with much happier children.

antimatter · 26/12/2015 20:43

You just have to be patient with her.
However when I was splitting with my ex my kids told me not to involve them into our arguments and I stuck with it and not to criticize my ex to them because he is their dad .It was bloody hard. They were 10 and 12 and I think I didn't understand that at the beginning. That they neede to feel they still respect me and him.

In time they understood that sometimes their father is in the wrong but the if I am wrong I hold my hand up. But he was never abusive just sometimes thoughtless.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 20:59

Kittybiscuits, I've told him that I've made my decision, and that the relationship is over, he keeps asking why? I've told him that I don't have to explain myself, I'm a grown woman, and that I'm not happy in the relationship.
I've told him why it's over a thousand times.
I can't cope with this anymore, I really can't, he could see how upset the kids were, but yet he still carried on arguing with me

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 21:03

I don't know if I can explain this right. He's not worth your energy. It's not about holding a grudge or even staying angry. He feeds on your anger. To him, it means that you're still emotionally engaged, even if it's in a negative way, iyswim. It's about not letting him see any of your emotions. It's about becoming indifferent, or faking indifference until it becomes real. Indifference will break him down, it will the the one thing that will prove to him that you are done with him.

Of course, you can't just shrug and turn away when he involves the kids. But you need to try to handle it with calm and a lack of passion. I also think handling it with calm will also make more of an impression on the kids that you are doing the right thing, that he's playing on their emotions and doesn't really care if he hurts them as long as he hurts you.

Refuse to discuss anything to do with why you are ending it. You've covered that ground and if he wasn't listening the first time, that's not your problem. Walk away. Refuse to engage.

As far as the kids, as much as possible (without being too terribly obvious) keep them away from him. Ask your parents or anyone else you can think of to invite them over. Keep a mental list of things that you can call them away to help you with if you hear him starting in with them on you or the separation.

You are strong. You will get through this. You're going to have times that you don't think so, but you will.

Trystessa · 26/12/2015 21:08

You sound like you are staying on the right path , keep going as you are supporting your children by ending this , lots of cuddles and nice time together will continue to show them this is best and YOU KNOW best, refuse to argue around the children , just raise your hand and say stop ! This will confirm your boundaries and prove to your children your yes means yes and your know means no ! If he carries on just try your best to ignore and carry on regardless , I had to live with my ex for 2 years it's exhausting but they get the message eventually when you are consistent , you sound like a strong focused woman , keep it up you will get there and the ladies on here are here to give you moral support x

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 21:18

he has to leave because "mummy doesn't love me anymore"
Either remain silent or say to DC "When people don't treat us nicely it can make us stop loving them. When that happens, people can't stay together anymore. It's not fair to either of them"

he's going and that he'll never see him again
To DC: That will be Daddy's decision. I will never stop him seeing you.

He's asking me why I don't love him anymore
Dead silence. You've already answered that question

he keeps questioning me, asking me why I'm ending things
Dead silence. You've already answered that question

we're his only family, and that all he's ever done is "loved me"
Dead silence. That's his problem, not yours

says that he "just loves and cares about us"
Dead silence. That's his problem, not yours.

kittybiscuits · 26/12/2015 22:29

Good for you Cows. It doesn't matter why and there's no explanation you can give that won't lead him to argue. His aim is to keep the debate going. It's like pushing an elephant up a hill - you just have to keep at it and grab hold of any bit of movment you can force to get him out. Just keep going. You will be so glad to liberate your DCs from this crap situation.

kittybiscuits · 26/12/2015 22:30

What Carcass said ^

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 27/12/2015 05:50

Just had a terrible nights sleep- having vivid nightmares. He's still not come back.
I don't feel very strong at the moment, he's draining the life out of me, and I feel awful, like a hard faced bitch. He kept saying "why are you being so horrible to me"? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 27/12/2015 06:11

Oh, and he kept asking me for one last hug before he left, obviously I said no.
Then he came over to where I was sitting on the sofa and kissed me on the cheek Sad

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 27/12/2015 06:28

Well, good! He's gone. Sorry you can't sleep, but are you spending your time productively in putting his things in bin bags?

May or may not be important, but, he threw your ornaments away? You don't seem concerned, perhaps you don't keep them [confused-icon], but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that. If somebody threw my ornaments away, I wouldn't need a divorce, just a new patio. Xmas Grin

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 27/12/2015 06:54

He bought the ornament himself- yes I was annoyed that he was throwing out the other things though, I brought it all back in.
He'd already packed his own stuff.

OP posts:
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